Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 582
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 582
Wow, the resentment part really hits home for me.
I'm a little confused. Can I ask you some questions?

You have seperated several times before?
Who left who?

It's starting to sound a little like your H has been the WAS several times before?
Maybe you have been trying to distance yourself from him emotionally to protect yourself. Could you be the WAS, because you were "Getting in first?"

Everybody here has a lot of "work" to do on themselves or they have already done the work. DB is for life, so we are all still working on ourselves.

WAS sometimes need as much help if not more than the LBS.


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
~~~~
Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
We've been separated about 5 times (the shortest was 2 days the longest was 2 months). Every time was at my insistence or a 3rd party (MC). This last time I gave him an ultimatum to take 48 hrs to think about whether he wants to live according to our chosen religion or not. He's not being the moral/spiritual head of the family and he admits it. I said we "may have to separate until the children are grown". He just took off that night and lied to me when I asked if he was leaving. He came back the next morning, apologized, I accepted apology but said he couldn't just run off and come back like it was nothing. I said running away was a pattern. He agreed. He did this with his first W also when she started talking divorce (he took off for a few weeks and didn't tell anyone where he was and almost lost his job).

Then he took off again later that night when I was at church. Said he would call but didn't. He's only initiated contact once and that was last night by IM. Says he wants to work on his stuff but his health is getting in the way (sprained shoulder and pink eye--WTF???). I could go on but then I'd be accused of focusing on him too much.

Anyway, so the pattern is me getting sick of him promising to change and then changes are temporary and he backslides when he gets tired of it and then I tell him to leave. And he always leaves. And then I change my mind and tell him to come home. He comes home and makes new promise to change.

Rinse. Repeat.

I suspect he will want to come home when his parents really start pressuring him to get a job, find a place to live, pay his bills, grow up, blah, blah, blah. Then he'll be love bombing me. The thought of that makes me sick. I've fallen for it before. It won't be real.

So, I just need to purge myself of these gross feelings and then start working on my junk. I have to get this poison out of me before I can get well.

I do think that we've had great times and can return to that. If we both have the capacity to be honest. And set real boundaries that we can enforce. And love with detachment.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
BTW SoulS. thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Tiny victory over old patterns. Someone left a VM for my H about a job. I started to email him about and I STOPPED MYSELF!!!!!

Yay....baby steps, baby!!!!!!!!!!

[img]http://serve.mysmiley.net/party/party0002.gif[/img]


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
I guess we cannot embed smileys.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
Okay, another lesson learned....

H could still see me as logged in to the chat program even though I had my status as "Invisible". So I must have looked desperately standing by waiting for him to contact me. Ugh.....not the impression I wanted to leave.

I completely uninstalled the chat program so that won't happen again. I want to be NTBFOTP (Nowhere to Be Found on The Planet). I also no longer log into some forums we both were on that he continues to post on. I still read the forums but I don't post. That way he can't see the last time I was at the forum.

Now if he wants to contact me he must email me or call me on the phone. And I don't expect that because we have nothing left to talk about.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
Lampshade,

I have been around here for a very long time, and I have watched many people struggle with the question of whether they want to save their M or not.

I am going to go on the premise that you do, for whatever reason, based on the fact that you are here. You can always change your mind later.

So how do you go about doing that as the WAS in comparison to the LBS? It really isn’t that different. You work on your stuff…


Originally Posted By: lampshade
After reading the excellent advice given I realize that I am still trying to control H even now through what I am saying to him. Trying to get him to man up and "do the right thing" by modeling it to him first (apologizing first, asking to R first) like a mother to a child. Still after all this time, I am still doing this. And I hate it.


You admit that you are attempting to control your H and you know that it is wrong.

As much as we might like to, we can’t control anyone but ourselves in this world. One of the things we need to realize is that our “right thing”, may not be someone else’s “right thing”. So yes, the modeling of behavior, behavior that you would like to see from him, is a form of control.

That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t act that way if that is the way you want to present yourself, you just can’t expect him to follow suit.

Personally, I see a lot of things that I view as controlling, including your attempts at helping him create the life you think he wants instead of letting him do it on his own, your continued resentment of him for things that happened when you were teenagers, your pattern of throwing him out and then expecting him to return…

Passive aggressive behaviors, are forms of manipulations and manipulation is a form of control. And I am honestly not sure that manipulation is a part of any religion’s moral code.

I see a lot of things in your thread…anger, insecurity, jealousy, fear, judgemental attitudes, and moral superiority to name a few.

So I will put it all out there, and get stuff on the table and it will be up to you to go from there…

At this point, I don’t care too much about what your H has done or is doing, because he isn’t here, you are…

Let's just agree for now that he was not the perfect H. Is there such a thing?

You had two affairs. Why? I don’t really believe that they were completely for vengeance. What did you get from the affair that you didn’t get from your H?

You threw your H out multiple times.

Yet you profess to love him, even though you admit that you don’t show him love.

Why would you not show your love to him?

Let’s start there. Things with you, things that you need to consider so that you don’t repeat these patterns in future relationships, as I fear you have lived this before.



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,375
Lampstand...

Forgive my fingers for the name typo. I change just about everyone's names at somepoint...



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
L
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 65
cat,

No problem. I thought it was funny.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Went through your thread.

IMHO you've got major control issues that need to be resolved. I don't know if you realize it but you minimize alot of what your H had to deal with from you. You want to control everything. You even justified your EA by saying it's a result of your H's porn issues. They aren't. That was your decision to have the EA's and you could have dealt with your H's issues differently.

I don't think you need to tell everyone here how much you've suffered. We all have gone through things in varying degrees. We get it more than anyone else.

The problem is that on the one hand you say that you want to save your M, and on the other you say it's up to your H, etc. Just writing him an apology a couple of times isn't going to cut it. He's going to have to 'see' your changes. No accusations, no bringing up the past and most importantly for you to see things through his eyes for a change.

In all honesty, he's probably pretty happy right now because he feels like he doesn't have to be under your thumb any more. From a guy's point of view that's what it sounds like.

You say that you want him to be a leader in your R. Well that's according to your standards. Maybe there were times that he did act like a leader, but you didn't realize he was doing so because it wasn't something that YOU associated with being a leader. It happens.

But what's important is that you understand that there is that possibility. I can tell you for a fact that he probably never fully trusted you after your EAs if you swept them under the rug and blamed his porn addiction for your actions.

If you want to save your marriage, you're going to have to show him more compassion and understanding AND bite your tongue.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 4 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard