The Left Behind WAS???

[Lampstand]

My H left me a month ago after I told him he wasn't a good enough role model for my children (from previous R's). I didn't kick him out but I certainly implied that he had to leave. I was under intense pressure from my sister to get him out and I wanted her approval more than my marriage. I have broken up/thrown out/reconciled with H many times in the 4 years we have been married. I think I am the WAS even though I stay in the marital home.

He left while I was gone and said he would call me when he got to his parents house in California. He never did call. After 2 weeks I sent him an email asking him to call. He said he wasn't ready to talk because it would be too emotional. So I emailed back that I needed info about air filters. He answered. Then I emailed a week later to inquire his mailing address. Then, per my usual tactics (cheeseless tunnel) I made comments about getting rid of his stuff and filing for legal separation. He wrote back to go ahead. Not the result I wanted.

Then a few days ago I emailed him that I needed to discuss a problem with him that was unrelated to us. I have realized that my sister is trying to control my life and wants me to give her my house. That is the reason she wanted my H out of the picture. I asked him if we could IM. He sent me an IM invite. We chatted for about an hour. Too long, not good, I know. But I couldn't stop myself. I impulsively apologized to him for all the wrong things I had done to him. He said he had already forgiven me. Then he reciprocated (something he never has really done before) and said his penance was living his life without me. He said he had to go before I got the chance (yikes another mistake).

Then yesterday I saw he was online so (not being able to control myself) I sent him an IM "hey how are you?". Then we chatted for 90 minutes! No good, I know, but I was feeling so good chatting with him. I didn't want to stop. He made numerous compliments towards me (praising my intelligence, my ability to bounce back, persevere) and when I casually remarked that I had every confidence in his ability to find a job (he stated he was filling out an app while we were chatting) he said that my comment meant so much to him. Then he said he had to go do chores for his mom and signed off with xxxooo.

I got the DR book yesterday and did my first read last night. We have already been through 3 counselors and only 1 of them was solution oriented. He said we are addicted to each other. LOL. I agree.

I've changed my mind about splitting. But I don't want to go back to where we were. It was horrible. I'm too impatient to even get into the details. I had EA's and he got into porn. We both quit that totally. We developed a faith life together. Everything was on the right track until we moved to Idaho and my sister started with the "biased advice". I listened to her instead of my H. He saw through her and I wouldn't listen. I also think I may be having a MLC.

Anyway, right now H isn't initiating ANY contact. But he is receptive to mine. My past experience with H has shown that he will not initiate unless he is certain to get a positive response. Too many times he reached out to me and I shut him down. Plus we are in different states and will never have any contact through day-to-day activities.

I used to post on a lot of message boards that we were both on but I quit that. I thought it would give him "contact" with me without him having to reach out to me. But now I am afraid that if I don't initiate with him I will never hear from him. This is an established pattern with him going back to childhood so there's little chance that he will morph into an aggressively pursuing macho man. But I know that I can't pursue him either.

His parents do not want us to reconcile. I've not been a good DIL. I owe them big apologies for past behavior.

Not sure where to begin. I guess I need to set down my goals. I want him home yesterday but even if I asked him to come back I feel certain he would say no.

Thanks.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Most of us lose weight after BD.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power

[LJC]

Not sure where to begin. I guess I need to set down my goals. I want him home yesterday but even if I asked him to come back I feel certain he would say no.

Thanks.

This maybe a case of 'once bitten twice shy'? What time scale are we talking about from when he got to Cali to now? He did state that calling would be to emotional so maybe back off and give each other some time and space.

[labug]

But now I am afraid that if I don't initiate with him I will never hear from him. This is an established pattern with him going back to childhood so there's little chance that he will morph into an aggressively pursuing macho man.

Really read this. What do you think it means if you never hear from him?

You said a counselor called you "addicted to each other" and then LOL. It's not really that funny because that's not a love R. It's a codependent R. Have you read anything on codependency?

I think I also read there's a history of abuse as a child. That's a lot of stuff to work through in a R, I know from experience. Use this time to really work on yourself, let H figure out if wants to come back.

He might be more attracted to someone who love him and wants to be with him rather that NEEDS to be with him.