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Journaling -

Wow it's been almost 3 months since my last post. For anyone who's been following my thread, the update is we are still both going dark. This has been possible because we don't have kids.

You know how vets used to tell us, newbies the time will heal and we could be well detached from our WAS after some time pass. Well I used to hate hearing that. It's really easy for them to say but I always thought it was kind of bs because we wouldn't be here if we weren't expecting our M to work or wanting our spouse to come to senses and come back. Well I don't consider myself a newbie anymore and now I totally get what they were saying. I'm at a point where I can enjoy every day life without him and can think what would be like without him. I don't wonder all the time what he's been up to. Don't get me wrong. I still do love him and wonder SOMETIMES what he's been up to but certainly NOT all the time.

I continue to GAL, accepting almost all invitations to any event, which I never ever did before. It's really amazing how people want me at many events. The most amazing part of all this is that I've gotten many invitations from H's families and friends. H's mom, aunt, cousins, grandma, step-grandparents (!) , step-MIL etc etc all want me to come visit them alone. Just few weeks back H's guy friends were having a bd party for one of the guys and I was invited to pop in since I was in a neighborhood. They are such a great friends - they don't ask me about our sitch and just wanted me to have fun with them. I would have NEVER been spontaneous like this and pop in at a bar like this EVER before BD.

One interesting turning point -

Just few weeks ago my heart almost stopped when I saw a text from H. This was the first time ever to send me a text since I don't even remember. His text read that he just transferred some money to our J account, how he's been consistent and he's going to start letting me know every time he does.

This text was particularly odd because I can see the transfer activity every time he does it. He does not have to let me know via text. Since the separation he transfers some money twice a month on his payday and he's never skipped it or been late.

I simply replied Thank you very much and that I know he's been consistent. I also said I hoped his busy work was not stressing him out too much. - That actually opened a conversation and he started telling me about how his work has been crazy, how he's still in the office right now working on a big project, how he noticed my office moved because he saw from the freeway my old office's parking lot was empty, how his friends have been doing, how our cat is doing etc. At some point he told me his lunch hour and he often goes to a market near our offices for his lunch. (Ironically my office moved to a place 2 min away from his office) I thought maybe he was waiting for me to offer to see him at lunch time - but I didn't offer. I figured he would have to make an effort to ask me if he really wanted it to happen just like he sent me this text after all these months.

We continued to text back and forth for about 2 hours - and I knew I wanted to end it before he did, so I did. I told him I was sorry for keeping him away from the big project and would let him go back to work.

I also continue going to the gym at least 3 times a week and the result is really showing in my body and my confidence. My wardrobe has greatly changed. I recently bought a pair of knee-high boots which I'd ALWAYS wanted to try but never tried. Every time I see someone who I haven't seen for few months, I get the biggest compliments on how pretty and skinnier I look. Just the other day I went back to a market alone after 6 months of absence where my H and I used to go together all the time. The cashier who used to treat us very well was still there. As soon as she saw me she remembered me and screamed "wow you look really really pretty!"

laugh


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Oops one more thing I wanted to add -

The last time I talked to my coach was about 2 months ago. I told my coach about my H's unfriending me on fb and how I now feel more comfortable posting my positive updates on fb. He suggested that I would "like" some positive quotes or books on how to become happy or something like that. His hope was for my H to be curious and interested in what I've been up to after all these months of absence from fb.

Although I'm not a fan of "liking" a lot of things on fb (annoying when all I see from my contacts are "liked" pages) I did start posting pictures of me and my friends, funny incidents, my cat etc about the same time.

Even though my H and I are not FB friends any more most of my FB friends are his friends and family (I'd say 90%) that he can still see my posts and pictures if I set the privacy level to "viewable to friends of friends"

I don't know if it was coincidence or not but I did get his last text about a month after I started posting on fb. If it wasn't coincidence then my coach's suggestion was dead-on.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup

You know how vets used to tell us, newbies the time will heal and we could be well detached from our WAS after some time pass. Well I used to hate hearing that. It's really easy for them to say but I always thought it was kind of bs because we wouldn't be here if we weren't expecting our M to work or wanting our spouse to come to senses and come back. Well I don't consider myself a newbie anymore and now I totally get what they were saying. I'm at a point where I can enjoy every day life without him and can think what would be like without him. I don't wonder all the time what he's been up to. Don't get me wrong. I still do love him and wonder SOMETIMES what he's been up to but certainly NOT all the time.


Glad to hear you're doing so good, and the above is really well said! I too remember being aggravated at any post I saw that implied I wouldn't be back with my W shortly as that seemed like the ONLY path to happiness. I really did not like reading that success was when you got to the point of knowing you would be OK whether your life continued with or without your spouse, yet now I say that exact same thing to others. Because it is so very true, when I finally got to that point myself I was at last free of all the pain, anguish and anxiety I had been suffering in my sitch.

Quote:
I continue to GAL, accepting almost all invitations to any event, which I never ever did before.


Fantastic! GAL activities that involve getting together with other people are the ones that heal us the fastest!

Quote:
I thought maybe he was waiting for me to offer to see him at lunch time - but I didn't offer. I figured he would have to make an effort to ask me if he really wanted it to happen just like he sent me this text after all these months.


Good, you are correct that he needs to make that move, not you. You handled the communication well! Don't have any expectations though, it may have just been a temperature check on his part.

Quote:
I also continue going to the gym at least 3 times a week and the result is really showing in my body and my confidence. My wardrobe has greatly changed.


Excellent! Congrats! I'm sure even if your H doesn't see you that others will be telling him how great you look, and that might be making him curious smile

This is all great DB'ing, keep up the good work!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Glad to hear that you're doing well! Going dark is easy with no kids and it has helped me tremendously. It has obviously helped you. It makes it much easier to detach. Of course the GAL needs to go along with it. Congrats on your new physique!

Life continues on...:)


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
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AS and JRG - Thank you so much for your response back in ... Sep! Geez has it been that long since my last post. JRG, I know you have already started your new life. I'm really happy and excited for you. Keep us updated here. AS, I just read your thread after how many months. It breaks my heart to read your love for your W. I don't know if it's the same love you had for her when you were together but I can relate. I still love my H but I wonder if this love I have for him is as same as what I had for him before. I cry for him because I know he's really lost but I can't help him. It's tough. He or your wife will have to figure out what their happiness is on their own.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 260
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Posts: 260
I can't believe it was an year ago when I started this thread. The first thing that comes to my mind is how I've changed. I did my best to detach myself from my H and having no kids really helped. I only saw him few times last year after he left and few texts exchanged also. Some people know we are still married, some people assume we have already been divorced. His mom didn't even know until few months ago if either one of us filed or not. She probably thought we did because at some point I removed my wedding ring. The truth is - as of today nothing has been filed.

He completely distanced himself from his family who has obviously been against what he's doing. This breaks my heart. His grandpa passed away last Feb and no one in the family hadn't been able to tell the grandma what was going on with us or his dad and his wife. Who could have? How heart-breaking would it be for a 80 something old lady who just lost her husband of 60 years to know her son and her grandson have just left their wives around the same time to be with somebody else.

However, as holidays approached somebody had to tell her something because her son or grandson (my H) hadn't called her even ONCE since grandpa passed away. I called her few times and every time she asked for my H, I lied. "Sorry grandma, he's really busy with work" Well lies were all over. We had to tell her. She cried. A 80 something years old lady cried like a little girl - she couldn't believe her son had just divorced his 4th wife. She couldn't believe her sweet grandson who she believed would never do something like this left his wife, me.

At this point I don't care what he and his gf do. Just like the title of my thread, I still wish from the bottom of my heart him to be happy. If his gf can make him happy like I couldn't the past years, then that's what I want. But what I care more about now is his family. They have shown me so much love and support since this all started. You'd think they would side with my H. They love him regardless but they also love me so much it touches and breaks my heart at the same time.

Another biggest change in the past year is that somebody came into my life. Somebody who really cares about me and loves me. I had my guard so high up I didn't let any guy enter into my life but I somehow chose to let him enter and I now believe I did that because I wanted to. I too care for this person so very much. Our situations are so complicated I honestly think we might not be able to be together ever, even if my H and I end up divorcing. Do I regret letting him enter my life? No. He has shown and taught me different warmth and love I'd never known.

However..being a LBS, I know better. I don't simply think "now this guy IS the love of my life! Forget my husband!" like most of WAS would feel? I really don't. I really love this guy and he does too but I still do love my H. Even though I've known this guy for as long as I've known my H, we were never this close. That means he never really knew me before DB. I said in the beginning how much I've changed. This guy entered my life when I was changing. Then it wouldn't be fair for me to say this guy loves me more than my H did because I was definitely NOT the same person for the most part in our marriage.

.........

My life was so much simpler few years ago. I always told my friends I would never get a divorce because I wouldn't like the complicated lives a divorce brings. Well, look at me now. I'm separated but still married. I love my H but I also love this another guy. I want a family. I want my H to be happy. I want to be happy.

A year later, I'm still very much confused and I'm not even a WAS. No wonder it takes so long time for WAS to figure out what they want.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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