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These lists really helped. I also made one of the things my H taught me or did for me, and I got a feeling that I didn't really waste the last 15 years of my life.
((((((((((((((((((((Grace)))))))))))))))))))))

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hi all,

check out the piecing forum for another great post by scaredsilly in her thread.

before my week gets crazy, i wanted to post more from brene brown on shame resilience. (I have posted some of what i have been learning about shame on busting's thread.)

in order to build shame resilience research shows the following:

1) learn to recognize and know what caused it. best way is physiologically, it feels in the body like fight/flight survival response (don't i know that??? this came up for me in almost all interactions w/ X) brene said that this is the same as trauma response or when we see a truck headed for us on the freeway...

she said to recognize it in our body and to get away from other people until we calm down (no talk, text, etc...) and learn to understand your triggers. (shame is "I am bad, unworthy, unloveable, etc." versus guilt which is focused on behavior "What i did was wrong")

2. build awareness by reality testing the messages and expectations that fuel shame. ex. the "good" girl who wants to please everyone, perfectionism (she says that shame is the birthplace of perfectionism, we think that if we do things perfectly we can avoid shame, blame and criticism)

3. you have to reach out and tell your story. shame thrives on secrecy/silence. having others in our lives that can provide empathy, tell us that we are not alone (in our feelings, behaviors) and that we made a mistake, which helps enable us to make amends. this helps us form deeper connections with others. (why this board is so valuable)

4. talk to ourselves in the ways we would talk to someone we love. she says that this is a PRACTICE and feels awkward and corny at first. A rule in her house is no name calling, even yourself. she asks her children "What's another way to say that?" so instead of saying "I am stupid" during homework they move toward saying that something is challenging.

she was quoted as saying that "loving and accepting ourselves is an act of courage" she said that the root of courage, cur in latin, means heart and that the english definition of courage is to tell your story with all your heart.

and she said that we only have 2 choices in life: to walk into and own our story (the good and bad parts and we love ourselves in the process) or to spend our lives on the outside of our story hustling for our worthiness.

she ended up saying that this leads to surrounding ourselves with the people who love us not despite our imperfections but because of them.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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The two choices struck a chord...I want to sit with that for a while....

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I like that you did this synopsis. I'm going to watch the video again as i gird myself to not fall back into old patterns over the next few days. Thanks, ng.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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Thank you for posting this NG. It is very insightful. I will reread and reflect for sure. Its interesting how we can live for so long being so unaware of ourselves and our behaviours and subsequent actions. I know personally, for so lone, i just never felt 'right' within myself. Anxious, worried, angry. I thought that was just who I was. A 'bad' person who could not be loved.

Thank you for this again NG. xxx


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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busting, you are so so worthy of being loved.

JOURNAL

today i heard a LBS say when they fell out of love...

and i asked myself if i was still in love with STBX... and the answer was very unclear, for the FIRST time...

i think Scared Silly's lists have shifted something within me.. I had started the list before of what STBX has done to me that was not loving.. but I had never before done the list of the loving things I had done for STBX. That list really created a shift. I think that my shame bought into all these lacks that STBX found and reported in me.

And tbh, I am not perfect and could grow in many ways

but when I looked at my list, I realized that I did show her real love and caring and that I could not be the scapegoat any longer for everything in our M.. and if she is not willing to own her part or work on this M.. then she is not the right W for me.


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Of course being the devils advocate to continue to lover her unconditionally of what she does is more or less the most loving thing that you can do.

Love is still a choice.

Not to say you shouldnt detach.

I really dont think that right now any of us are in a position to decide one way or the other.

Down the road we get to choose.
Until that time the point is moot.

What do you think?


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I think it is a sign of positive growth when you get to look at your yourself, especially in a such a clear way. Understanding that you were not evil incarnate, that you are human too, just gives you more tools to deal with whatever comes your way.

Sometimes, I think we are so busy looking at the things we can do to become better people, that we forget we have some pretty awesome qualities to be proud of.

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Good for you, Miss Grace! As I said before, just reading your posts tells me you are a very good and kind person.

I think you can always have a "love" spot in your heart for your X. I believe that once we love someone, a part of us always loves a part of them.

However, I reserve unconditional love for my child (and grandchildren) only. Any mate or partner love will have conditions. I would not tolerate infidelity, abuse, addictions, etc. Unconditional love would. That's why it's so rare and nature reserves it to allow the species to survive.

Unconditional love, for someone who is not good for us, violates the natural order.

I'm so happy you are valuing who you are. All of us on here have seen your value for a long time.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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cadet, i always smile when i hear from you bc i love the way you think and write. smile

and i am not saying that i don't love her (i do and continue to choose to do so), but it feels as if the "in love" feeling has shifted (perhaps that is detachment?) i am seeing things more clearly and am more secure that i AM okay (it is no longer that I will be okay, but that I already am). i am able to say that she has given up something (our M) and someone worth keeping and treasuring... i am able to accept that our life paths may diverge forever and that if so, it will be for my own good, that there may very well be something more beautiful around the corner.

this is not to say that i am ready to move on or date.. my commitment to my M is still there, it feels like a forever bond to me right now, i am not sure if the D being final next month can change that... and i am not sure when or how it will shift. i am trying to not be concerned about that, but to take each step one at a time and trust in the work i am doing to love myself and others better..

each day, if my mind turns to missing her, i say to myself that "if i love her, i let her go" and i find some weird peace in thinking that if i love her, i want her to be happy, even if it is without me. i think that she is making a huge mistake but it is hers to make and i wish her well.

that being said, i do not want to be in her life now while she is with OW... i got stuck for awhile thinking that, to forgive, that i needed to be able to be her friend.. i think now that forgiveness has layers too... like detachment.. it is not one step but a series... and i am unsure where the unwrapping of those layers will go.. but again, i am trusting there too.. that my own growth will give more clarity to it.

and IO, i agree so fully with what you said.. finding and maintaining the balance between acceptance and change (of ourselves) is a lifelong process and i would like to build some better awareness of when i am falling off balance one way or the other. any thoughts on how to keep the two in balance?


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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