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I have been seeing a therapist for a while now and I believe that I have overcome my problem with lying. I have been honest with myself and my wife for several months. We are just over 5 months separated now. My wife and I have the last month together we are dealing with some issues with one of our dogs. We have been together everyday. After about a week I tried to talk to her about us and she told me "you are here because of the dog". So I havent tried to bring it up again. I just get so confused sometimes because if she needs something she will call me. I will do anything she asks because I never did before. Im tring to show her that I can dependable and that she can count on me to be there for her. I am willing to do what ever it takes to save my marriage. I am working on myself going to the gym enjoying life as much as possible. Its just not the same without my wife by my side. I hope that when this issue with our dog comes to an end (should be this week) that things dont go back to he not talking to me. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together over the past month. Im trying to stay positive but she doesn't give me any signs that she wants to work things out. I will continue to work to improve myself regardless of what happens. But I truly want to make things right with my wife I love her with all my heart.

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Please tell your therapist EVERYTHING you have done and lied about so they can really help you. Also imo, weekly sessions won't be enough to shift your paradigm enough fast enough. You need NEW tools for new behaviors. ASAP.

If you can go to a workshop or rehab, you may want to look into that. (See the "Essential Experience", or "LIfeSpring" workshops, or Imago therapists in your area.

OR be willing to fly to where they are
. What's your financial situation like? And how old is your new wife?)

SOME Imago sessions are for couples, but EE and Lifspring help individuals. All help for individuals, makes for better spouses, so any help for YOU, will help the m. Make sense?

And about the alcohol...are you in AA? What did you mean by cutting back?

What role do you see that alcohol played in your behavior?

Fwiw, I can see that there are significant issues you have. I would not say it's all drinking by any means. But if the booze pushes you over the edge where you cannot keep yourself OFF the ledge, then it has to go.

What is your age? Do you have kids from your first M? This m?

And is the way you acted with her, the same way you acted with your first wife?

What do YOU think this is about?


I get that you are telling us this and "owning it" - but it is super hard to say you are admitting it and "owning it' - while you still do it.

There's something off or self destructive about your behaviors. You need to figure this out asap.

And GAL. (GAL means to Get A Life - new hobbies or interests - NOT MORE UNHEALTHY ONES--...taking a class, learning a new language, volunteering for charity, or to coach, working out, etc. )

GAL is hammered a lot here b/c it helps YOU to not obsess and to have a positive mental attitude, which makes you more attractive. Trust us, a crying man who wronged a woman, and now is wallowing in self pity and self loathing is NOT attractive to that woman.

Feeling like crap does not equate with you "really loving her". IT equates with weakness --- and right now, the last thing you need to project to her is more weakness.

A lot of self discipline and some self control will help to counter her negative images of you, with positives.

Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books? They'll help you a lot now.

You must NOT repeat the same unhelpful behaviors of the recent past b/c it's all about YOU and what YOU want and what YOU NEED...and that's sort of the same old you, isn't it?

Can you show her that she is your priority, by listening to her requests of you?

When she says to back off, you need to respect that. When she says, "you're the same as you were before", you have to validate why she'd think that, and then ACT and BE different.

No more words of argument (especially since she literally heard it all before WHILE you again pursued OWs. Did you feel your first m was in trouble and rather than work on it, you just wanted to start another one? I mean, is this a pattern too?

Regardless, Here's the "math" of it.

consistent actions + sufficient time = changes she can believe in.


Many of us here wanted to give up on our marriages OR our spouses did. But some of us do change and some of us do turn things around.

Stick with this b/c YOU need to change anyhow, agreed??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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I have been seeing a therapist regularly. I believe I have overcome my lying. I have stopped lying to my wife and more importantly myself. I know that its is going to take time if ever for her to forgive me for what I have done and I dont blame her. Whenever I see her its so hard for me not to reach out and try to hold her hand or try to give her a hug. I love her with all my heart and will continue to work on my issues. I love her to much to give up on our marriage. We have been getting along really well for the last month together everyday. Still living separately though. What signs if any should I be looking for to know where she stands or if she is truly done with our marriage? I fully understand and accept the fact that we may not get back together. But I know in my heart that if she gives our marriage another shot we will rebuild stronger than ever. I have learned alot of good skills to maintain a happy healthy marriage.

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I have been completely honest with my therapist and she knows the whole story. I have looked into some workshops but to be honest I dont have the money to go. As far as the alcohol I used it as an escape from the day to day. I dont go to aa but I quit cold turkey on nov 1 2012. I have had 3 glasses of wine in the past month while having dinner with my wife. I never felt like I had to have a drink ever in my life. I stopped because I was using it to hide from my relationship. Im 32 she is 31 neither of us have kids. My first marriage was pretty bad. I was the one trying to hold everything together while she slept around. I found out the first time and we "worked it out" then it happened 2 more times and I had enough and left. I have realized that this made it hard for me to care and really give my 2nd marriage the attention it should have I guess to protect myself from getting hurt again. I have not been seeking out other women in the last 4 months realizing that my marriage was the only thing that is important to me. It took all of this for me to realize how much she means to me. You dont know what you got till its gone type of deal. I have been doning GAL I started going to the gym hunting and other things that I enjoy. I am reading div busters and learning alot going to order div remedy when im done. I have been showing her she is at the top of my priorities I will drop plans if she needs something. If she needs something im there for her.

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Things have been going exactly the same for the last few months. We are spending everyday together I only leave to go where im staying to go to sleep. We are doing things together walking our dogs exercising making and eating dinner together. There has been no discussion about our marriage. Im to the point that if things dont work out I feel im setting myself up to get my feelings hurt. Before we started to send time together I was to the point where I accepted that we quite possibly will get divorce and I started to prepare myself for such (hope for the best prepare for the worse if you will). With us spending the last 3 months together I cant help but feel like things are getting better. I dont know if they are or not and I try not to think about it. Still so confused I dont know which end is up. I really wish we could talk about it but I know if I push it will only hurt the situation. So I do my best to just be pleasant and act as if im happy even when I couldnt be more miserable, I put on a show for her. I know she sometimes sees right through me. I know I cant rush things along and that things can only be worked out if and when she is ready. But I am staying positive and hope she sees how much she really means to me and that I will never put anytbing in before her or our marriage.

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So??? What happened with this situation?

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I think you need to tell us.
All the best -


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