I appreciate the positive input, it's easy to get discouraged during this long process. Those of us who've been cheated on can relate to this, i've got that gut feeling that she's reconnecting with OM. I hate having to snoop to prove it I'm just lost right now. When I say cut her loose I absolutely mean kick her out. Her mother, father, grandparents all live in town and her mom (who's aware of the affairs) has said she could stay with her but kids would have to stay with me. I just not sure how else to enforce the boundary. I'm not perfect but I'm not a doormat either. I ask myself if my son or daughters came to me with my problem Id question their sanity for putting up with what I have.
If you are going to let her stay, you can't snoop and you can't ask about the relationship. It's incredibly unfair, but she needs to get there on her own. If you apply any pressure, she'll never notice your 180's and not applying pressure is usually a 180 in itself.
I get wanting her to move out if the affair continues. My ex and I were in the same place. She "ended" it when I found out and 3 weeks later I found that they were still talking. I told her that I couldn't live with that and she had to leave or stop all communication. She's been gone for 6 weeks and we barely speak.
Having her move out is a risk. However in my situation, I'm glad I did. I feel better about myself and the stress levels in the house have almost disappeared. She was difficult to live with over the last few months and the kids and I are closer than ever, I've lost weight, started reconnecting with friends, etc. Just know that having her leave could mean the end of everything. If it is something that you need to do for yourself, to heal, then do it. Just give yourself time to be sure. You can always get her to move out, it's very hard to get her to move back in.
M: 38 H: 39 D: 20 S: 18 S: 16 T: 14 Y ILYBIDKIILWY/Affair 01/12/2013 Came Back 01/15/2013 Left Again 02/13/2013
Hi Mighty and Mileus, I am in the same situation. My H is with the ow right now, I feel certain. He is out of town for work and it is the city where OW lives. I also don't want to be a doormat, let him cake eat, But I am not ready to LRT yet either. It is so hard. We have been separated since sept. He came back home for 2 weeks in Feb. only to later tell me he was just going thru the motions. He told me he was still in an EA with OW. I have asked nothing further about ow although that is hard too.Trying to detach. Have been doing all the GAL and focusing on me and kids. Such unnecessary pain.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
SS, I have a question (as a newbie trying to understand all of this) If his wife is going to stay, why must she end the affair and make all communication systems available? I understand why she would have to do that if she wanted to stay but if she doesn't, he and still wants to work on it, isn't he supposed to worry about himself right now and making himself the "better option" as opposed to making demands she doesn't want to meet? Thank you, some of this feels like it applies to me even though there is no active A at this time.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
isn't he supposed to worry about himself right now and making himself the "better option" as opposed to making demands she doesn't want to meet?
I have a different perspective than most here, I am the cheater in my marriage. I cheated on my husband. I ended the affair, I reconciled.
LTH, being the better option, does not mean being a doormat.
What kind of woman is going to return to a doormat? No one. In my opinion you need to find a healthy balance between being a doormat, and being a bully.
There are active and direct things a man or woman can do to combat marital interlopers. Simply doing some personal housecleaning is not in my opinion everything that can be done. Make plans : call a lawyer to find out your rights, setup a separate bank account to protect yourself financially, start packing you belongings, if you have children begin drafting a separation agreement yourself, etc.
The idea is to show your spouse that you mean business and will not tolerate being humiliated and disrespected.
Until my husband began to speak up for himself, I had zero respect for him, and had no interest in returning.
I had no business cheating on him in the first place. But the fact is, people who are addicted to an affair aren't going to think morally. We think practically when we are cheating. And practically speaking, no woman will likely return to the home or the arms of a man that allows a woman to disrespect him like this.
Once my husband began respecting himself enough to speak up, I began respecting HIM again. It wasn't long after that, that I recognized him as the better man and saw OM for what he was : a disrespectful interloper who was just using me.
Being the better option does not mean being a doormat. In DR MWD discusses LRT in detail. In my opinion in many cases on this forum LRT is long overdue. And from my personal experience it's the most effective tactic in her book.
