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MightyJ Offline OP
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So we finally had a talk last night. She was upset about everything and I told her that I was no longer interested in living with a woman who would not behave like a married woman. If she wasn't interested in doing so then I wanted her out. I was very calm, and she then went through every emotional reaction you could think of ending in, "fine I won't see OM anymore and we can live together in misery forever."

I wasn't exactly kicking her out just telling her I wasn't ok with what was going on. This morning she was looking at rentals on her phone, and has been acting mean to everyone in the house. I'm just tired of being the plan B, safety net, etc. Not trying to be mean I'm just stating I'm not up for ths anymore.

Feeling like I should just file the separation papers and move this along. I'm just exhausted today and needed to post.

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hi MJ, let's put together a few things you have written on this thread...

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
my wife has been having a PA for a year and a half now... I know now that I can't let her live a double life anymore though.

you are not "letting" her do anything. she is doing it all by herself. you need to realize that you cannot control her or change her behavior, you can only control and change your own behavior.

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
She's told me about the affair and said it was none of my concern and if it wasn't this guy it would be another because she can't see herself with me anymore.

what things was she dissatisfied with in your marriage? are there things that you can change ABOUT YOURSELF to make her feel that you are a better choice, and she would not have to search for an OM to provide them? (especially when she points out that it is not this specific OM, but if it were not this one it would be another one.)

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
in my heart reconcilliation is what I want more than anything... we finally had a talk last night. She was upset about everything

what things was she upset about? maybe there is a clue there about what 180s you can do to show that you are the better choice.

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
Basically she said she doesn't know what she's doing anymore, and if she could afford it she'd move out... I told her that I was no longer interested in living with a woman who would not behave like a married woman. If she wasn't interested in doing so then I wanted her out.

so how is it going to help you reconcile if you throw her out of her home? (and it *is* her home as well as yours.) she has already said that she wishes she could leave but can't afford it. therefore, how will it convince her to reconcile if you throw her out? it could very likely have the opposite effect, i.e. to convince her that she will never want to reconcile with someone who threw her out of the only home she has. while I agree that she should not be having an affair, your behavior sounds terribly vengeful to me.

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
I was very calm, and she then went through every emotional reaction you could think of

sure you can be calm, you are not being thrown out of your home. I realize her behavior is deplorable, but why does she feel that she "can't see herself with [you] anymore" and "if it wasn't this guy it would be another"?

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
ending in, "fine I won't see OM anymore and we can live together in misery forever."

is that the type of "reconciliation" you want? what can you change ABOUT YOURSELF to make YOU the better choice, so that reconciliation won't be "misery" but "happily ever after"?

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
I'm just tired of being the plan B, safety net, etc. Not trying to be mean I'm just stating I'm not up for ths anymore.

ok, but that doesn't mean you need to throw her out, especially when she has nowhere else to go. there are lots of other things you can do, including 180s, GAL ("get a life"), etc. the specific things that YOU need to change (about yourself), depend on what she was dissatisfied with before.

also, have you read "Divorce Remedy"? even if you have, read it again, take notes, and see what you need to do.


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Way to go MJ! smile

Don't believe for a minute she's ended anything. This was just the first step. Now get legal stuff going, make sure she knows it.

Keep the pressure on.

Realize she IS going to keep throwing tantrums until OM is OUT of her system. It will take at LEAST THREE MONTHS of no contact between them before you begin to see her normal again.

Her hormones are all out of balance from infidelity.. Keep the pressure on so she knows you aren't kidding. She IS going to try to play you and keep it a secret.

I did that to my husband for god knows how long, until I finally took his asserting his rights seriously.

THIS is the TIME to make sure she knows you mean it. If you issue this to her last night and do NOTHING today she will not take anything you say seriously after that.

you have to show her you are serious until she follows through and ends her behavior.

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180's are not going to end an affair TT.

Divorce Remedy even warns you that once any addictive/obsessive behavior has started the person acting on that behavior must suffer some major loses before they start to turn their life around.

I can speak from experience on that one. I was the cheater in my home and my husband did 180s left and right and I never even noticed them.

Once he started packing, calling lawyers, and began to inconvenience me was when I started to reconsider my behavior.

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shelly, I agree that 180's by themselves wouldn't "end an affair", but throwing her out of the house isn't going to solve their problems either. it would just make the problems worse and harder to solve.

from other things that MJ's wife has said, which I quoted in my response above, there are things that he needs to do in changing himself before he can expect his wife to leave OM. this is not just an affair with one predatory OM - she has said clearly that if it were not this one it would be another. this is not just "affair fog" but a cry for help - and he needs to respond if he wants to save his marriage.

he needs to find out if she has *legitimate* gripes (not just "rewriting history" but things that he really does need to do better) and he needs to address them.


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First off thank you guys for the responses, and support, I really appreciate all input at this point. TT, I haven't been posting here a lot if details of the relationship over the last year since I read DR but I've been doing as SS implied the "180's left and right". I knew when the affairs began I was not just a victim, that I was no longer the young stud she married, but I've been focusing on myself the last six months especially.

Initially I was doing the GAL and 180 steps to elecit a response from her which she could see, and only seemed to make things worse. But since then I've made some big steps towards improving myself: great new job, spending time with friends and family, not doing things just to please her, etc. When I did break down and snooped on her (mistake I know) I found out her affair had become more intense than ever, and she'd just gone more underground with it.

I know that kicking her out seems harsh but I really was just trying to set a boundary that I was not interested in being a babysitter while she snuck out to carry on a PA with OM. I explained I had no desire to separate but her behavior was not acceptable to me anymore.

To clarify when she said she wouldn't see the OM anymore and we could stay together and be miserable, it was just her throwing her tantrum not a serious response. She has no intention of cutting it off with him, she literally thought I would just let her live with me until she could sort out a way to leave for him. Sad thing is he is blatantly using her for the sex only and is not interested in a real relationship.

At first I was going to just serve her papers and ask her to leave when I found out the extent of her affair as of late, but I felt this was me being reactive and chicken. This talk was about me doing the opposite of my past behavior and taking a stand for myself and our family.

This is killing me but I believe it may be the only way to snap her back to reality. I'm open to hearing what you all have to say I don't take any of it personally, this is the hardest thing I've ever done but that also makes believe its right, if that makes any sense.

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Great thread, for someone who's always struggled to define boundaries this is gold. I believe I appropriately set the groundwork now it's down to me following through when I need to while continuing to wrk on myself.

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Ok so status update. Things have been surprisingly ok since the talk we had and I've been just trying to not focus on her as much and just keep moving on with my GAL and 180 stuff. last week though things went back to her old shenanigans of taking of one night and sleeping somewhere and refusing to say where she went.

Then she gets invited on a last minute trip to the coast with some acquaintances and I said ok and agreed to watch he four kids for the weekend. Not really a big deal for me I love having the kids to myself. I figure I'll deal with her behavior when he gets home.

She returned today and it was apparent she was off a bit. Long story short we talked tonight and she informed me she's still miserable, doesn't feel that she's in a real marriage shes just here and playing nice to get what she wants from me because she has nowhere to go and she hates herself for it. She still wants out. And refuses to talk about what he did wn she took off last week.

Now I listened to her but now I'm having these conflicting feelings. I'm hearing that she's miserable and I've learned how I've played a part in all this but I now I'm fixing things as best I can (new job, fixing finances, being my own man, etc) but I can see where her behavior is heading. I want to just up my head down and keep working on me but if she's f'ng around again I have to cut her loose. I don't have proof she did again but I can check her phone if I have too. Just getting so sick of all his BS.

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Originally Posted By: MightyJ
Things have been surprisingly ok since the talk we had and I've been just trying to not focus on her as much and just keep moving on with my GAL and 180 stuff.
...
I've learned how I've played a part in all this but I now I'm fixing things as best I can (new job, fixing finances, being my own man, etc)

very good, keep up the good work

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
last week though things went back to her old shenanigans of taking of one night and sleeping somewhere and refusing to say where she went.
...
Long story short we talked tonight and she informed me she's still miserable, doesn't feel that she's in a real marriage shes just here and playing nice to get what she wants from me because she has nowhere to go and she hates herself for it.

hmm, cake eating, and she admits it. what things does she get from you?

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
agreed to watch he four kids for the weekend. Not really a big deal for me I love having the kids to myself.

that's very good. of course, taking care of your kids is a favor to them, not her (and your responsibility, especially if she is neglecting them). besides which, you are building a good relationship with them, and they will see that you were there for them when she was not. also, being a good father to her/your kids is very attractive to a woman, even if she is in a fog right now.

Originally Posted By: MightyJ
She still wants out. And refuses to talk about what he did wn she took off last week.
...
if she's f'ng around again I have to cut her loose.

question is, what do you mean by "cut her loose"? I don't recommend throwing her out of her own home, because that could backfire. (if she has "nowhere else to go" she might just move in with OM, and justify this by blaming you as the "bad guy" who threw her out - no matter that it was well deserved.)

however, you certainly want to avoid things that enable her infidelity. what things can you refrain from doing for her?

in the meantime, keep up the good work of GAL and improving yourself. you're not doing it "for her". you're doing it because *you are the better choice*.


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