Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[RegretfulLA]

Hello again,
Sorry I can't be more consistent with my posts. I wish I had more time to spend on this stuff, but the good news is I'm spending more time enjoying my family!

Since the last time I posted, my family and I went on a 10 day RV trip. Miraculously we got along well for most of it... towards the end there was some fighting but it wasn't bad for 4 people being cooped up in a one room house for 7 days (the last 3 we were in a hotel in Vegas).

Things continue to move two steps forward and one back. In addition to all of the BS that I've detailed above, I still don't feel that my H is 100% committed. He is getting there though.

What's come up lately for us is the idea of acceptance. I have a very strong personality and I can come across as brash a lot of time. My H does not love this quality. I keep wondering why he married me if it was such a problem for him but that's besides the point because we're married now. Anyway, one of the themes for him is that because I'm more directed and focused and less mushy gushy (I act more like a guy in a way) that I'm not being loving. I have been working on "softening" but I'm still me at the core. MC said that H seems "hopeless" about it sometimes - as in, he doesn't really want to be married but he doesn't want to be D either. It is very confusing for me.

Another thing that has come to light is that I tend to be anxious a lot of the time and it manifests as agitation. I "flip out" basically. When H thinks I am "angry" it's really not anger, it's my anxiety taking over. MC suggested medication. I agreed to look into it. H said that was "very personally meaningful" which I do not understand at all. He has been pushing meds on me but more in the context of "you are broken and need fixing". I kind of take offense that he would say that but I haven't mentioned that to him.

In actuality I have the anxiety and I have also been somewhat depressed lately. My IC says that it's probably just my body "letting go" after years of crap starting with breast cancer 7 years ago, and moving on through a horrible abusive work situation, all this M stuff, moving, financial problems, etc. Although things have improved a lot in the M, I still feel sad about my work situation. The place is a mile from home and I get home very early (4:30 or 5), but ironically, it's sub optimal because the hours don't really allow me to drop the kids off or pick them up at school. So now I'm alienated from this school community that has been a big part of our lives for 4 years. That plus it's not very fulfilling work. I feel very underutilized. At least it's just a contract position.

Anyway, that said, I'm definitely considering the meds. I just want to feel normal. It's not like I'm hiding under the covers all day, but it's hard to feel happy, and I don't like that. I am sure that I could be a better mother and wife if I felt better in general. I feel very blah most of the time these days. I'm missing the social interactions and friends that I used to have at my old job. This would include OM1. At the end of the day we were very close friends and I just miss having someone like that in my life (male or female).

I'm trying to GAL a little bit - one thing I've noticed is that people who really are going through D GAL hardcore - how many divorced people do I know who are avid triathaloners? (Many). Even my mom started running marathons when she and my dad divorced. I hate running but I've gotten into making jam and putting other stuff in jars. I have sauce going at this very moment. GAL is hard though when you are trying to be around for the family.

One other thing that is worth mentioning... one of my H's good friends is going through D right now - last summer when H and I were having our issues, the wife of that couple was very supportive, so I have tried to be supportive of her. She is withdrawn and doesn't want to be touched so to speak. My H is still good friends with the husband and watching all this D drama unfold has helped him solidify in his mind that he is "highly motivated" to avoid D. H has been on a sabbatical from his job for the last month and he has cleaned out the garage, hung pictures, is building a shed and has nearly fixed my sink in the bathroom. I am so proud of him for doing all that. He even surprised me with the sink (it has been broken for a year). H was not very handy when we got married so he has come a very long way.

So, I guess that on balance, this is a pretty good update. Will visit again soon...

[hopefulinga]

So good to hear from you! And ironic. Last night I was on here and then checked your blog to see if you had updated. I am the same way with feeling anxious, getting agitated and flipping out. My H doesn't understand that and assumes that I am mad, being a b!tch or showing my a$$ (or whatever else he can come up with).

Personally speaking, meds help. When all of this started, I got back on 1 but it didn't help the anxiety. The doctor changed them around and within a week, I felt so much better. This is not the first time I've taken them. I know that I would have ended up hospitalized at some point if I didn't take them. And it has cut down on my flipping out episodes.

You guys still sound like you have some work to do, but H is still making progress. Hope it continues!

[Breakdown]

RLA, glad you stopped by! All in all, it sounds like things are moving in the right direction, so keep going!

I don't want you to feel like all of my posts are 2x4s, but I do want you to think about some of these things.

I still don't feel that my H is 100% committed.

What would 100% committed look like? Are you showing him 100% committed? Do you think he thinks so?

I have a very strong personality and I can come across as brash a lot of time. My H does not love this quality. I keep wondering why he married me if it was such a problem for him but that's besides the point because we're married now.

This reminds me of a post I made when I first came to this board. My W and I had gone to retrouv, and she wrote something about what she wanted in a partner, and I said "that sure doesn't sound like me, and I don't know if I can get there." Bond was quick to tell me, if I didn't think I could get there, I should file for D now and stop dragging it out.

So I'll pose the same question to you....what prevents you from changing on this front? Why wouldn't you want to?

I "flip out" basically. When H thinks I am "angry" it's really not anger, it's my anxiety taking over. MC suggested medication. I agreed to look into it.

I'm not an expert here, but I don't think it ever hurts to talk about these things with your doctor.

That plus it's not very fulfilling work. I feel very underutilized. At least it's just a contract position.

So what are you doing about it? How are you working towards what you want?

At the end of the day we were very close friends and I just miss having someone like that in my life (male or female).

I have read so many books on marriage and affairs, and I know you have too. You realize at this point that you cannot be friends with someone of the opposite sex who isn't a friend of your M don't you? That sounds like you are one step away from another EA so I hope I'm reading that wrong.

I hate running but I've gotten into making jam and putting other stuff in jars. I have sauce going at this very moment. GAL is hard though when you are trying to be around for the family.

GAL is really just doing something for you. Since you are missing those social interactions, maybe you can try to find something that fills that void and represents GAL at the same time? Maybe even include your H and do some shared activities.

I am so proud of him for doing all that. He even surprised me with the sink (it has been broken for a year). H was not very handy when we got married so he has come a very long way.

That's great. Have you told him?

[AnotherStander]

Another thing that has come to light is that I tend to be anxious a lot of the time and it manifests as agitation. I "flip out" basically. When H thinks I am "angry" it's really not anger, it's my anxiety taking over.

I had never had an anxiety attack before BD. When I heard people talking about such things I always thought they needed to just "cowboy up" and put it behind them. About a month after BD I fell into deep depression and had severe anxiety attacks. Wow, did I ever learn first-hand just how out of your control those can be. Basically you feel like you're just along for the ride. If your H has never been through this then it's understandable that he misunderstands what he's seeing and attributes it to anger or something else. It's really important that you seek to help him understand what you're going through, and that it's not something that you can just flip a switch to turn off.

And do consider med's and/ or counseling. That's what got me out of that dark place.

[RegretfulLA]

The meds are helping. I am on a very low dose but it seems to be enough to keep my mood somewhat light. Very much needed and I probably should have started them a long time ago.

Things continue to be a bit of a roller coaster. A kiddie coaster, but there is still some up and down, lately with more down. H postulated that we are both "adversarial". I think he's more adversarial but I didn't challenge him. He still flies off the handle at little things but I am just trying to handle it better.

Breakdown, something you wrote on my last post is bothering me a little bit. I had said that I missed my friendship with OM1. Well, this is true, I do miss it. But I know that even if he hadn't moved across the world, I wouldn't have been able to continue my friendship with him, and I know that I can't get into another situation like that. Doesn't mean I don't miss it though. It's like giving up smoking. You do it because smoking is bad for you, not because you didn't enjoy doing it. I allow myself to miss OM1 without any intention of ever acting on it. I am not the person who can just cut off memories and feelings.

Not much else specific to report at this time. We are deep in the work of repairing years of damage, bad habits and bad behavior. It is slow going. We get annoyed with each other once in a while. Life happens and we get caught up in the day to day of that. MC is still going well and is very much needed. I think H and I need to focus on being on the same team instead of opponents.

[Breakdown]

Doesn't mean I don't miss it though.

What is it that you miss? The need he was filling (that wasn't being met at home)? Or that new relationship, fantasy, he can do no wrong, he pays attn to me, kind of thing? Those are two very different things.

I don't think anyone would argue against having a close friend, including me. It's the "male or female" thing that made me wince.

Think about this:

1) OM1 wasn't really a "friendship"....it was an EA.
2) EA was filling a need that you weren't getting in your M.
3) If you are missing OM1, is it because you still have a need that isn't being met by your H?

I think H and I need to focus on being on the same team instead of opponents.

I think that is a great way of thinking of it, and a concept I have been talking about and thinking about a lot lately.

Hang in there...sounds like it's getting a little better each day!