Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[RegretfulLA]

Hey guys. I have been thinking about you and this board lately. I really don't have as much time as I used to and I miss it!

I guess my last post was around 2 months ago. I'd say that things haven't really improved since then; in fact, they have probably gotten worse. I see my H sinking back into a lot of his old patterns - a lot of the blaming and not being able to see things as they are, even when we have neutral third parties involved. Our MC says all the time that he sees I'm trying and that H needs to give me the benefit of the doubt.

H and I did a 30-day "cleanse" together in the month of May. It was hard but I'm glad we did it together. We both needed a little bit of a reset in the eating habits department. We started exercising more too. He bought me a bike for Mother's Day which was a great gift. I'm embarrassed to say I wasn't able to reciprocate so generously for Father's Day.

I started a new job about a month ago which is going great. Early hours mean I can make dinner and be home with the boys in the evenings, and it's very close to home so that helps too. Full time though, so I still have less time for everything, but on the flip side, the extra money helps. We were also able to refinance our house (finally) so we are knocking out a lot of the credit card debt that was weighing on me like an anchor. These are all really positive things.

Still though, I am not feeling 100% about the M right now. For those of you who have been following me for a long time, H has a habit of "having the last word." By this I mean he ups the ante to a point where I have no choice but to fold. My IC says he goes right to the end of an argument with no middle. For instance, we had an argument about having the TV on in the morning. He doesn't like it, I do. He got so offended that I would dare to turn the TV on that the argument ended with "This (the M) just isn't working." It is ironic that H has no idea how to argue, because he almost went to law school to become a lawyer. MC says he does not fight fair.

When H makes that play, I've noticed that I completely retreat. In the old days, this is exactly when I would have called OM1 for lunch. When H does that it makes me feel so unstable - as if he can and will pull the plug at his whim. I end up having a very self-protective visceral reaction so I'm trying not to act on it in a negative way. When this happened last time - when he said, "This isn't working," I really stood up and told him he couldn't say that anymore. We had some other dumb argument a day or 2 later and that time I literally screamed at him for 15 minutes because I was so utterly frustrated (ending with, "Make up your GD mind"). He is still playing the "you cheated on me and I'm not over it" card, but only when it is convenient to his argument or when he's not getting his way. Other times he seems perfectly fine.

I will say that this past weekend was the one year anniversary of our bomb. It wasn't mentioned, but I wonder if he realized that? He's been doing a lot of "I love you, I love you not" lately, and it makes me a little nutty. A lot nutty. It's maddening actually.

I've also noticed a pattern where H digs his heels in real deep (about whatever topic is at hand), we end up fighting, then he goes away on a business trip or even to the grocery store, and has a change of heart the second he gets into the car. This also is pretty frustrating, especially when H has made a big deal about me not owning my sh!t. We have discussed it extensively in MC. I have heard it here on this board. I need to get better at that, but it doesn't mean that he's allowed to live in denial.

I'm also still not feeling attractive to him. He says that he is attracted to me but he doesn't usually behave as if he feels that way. This is also a big part of the OM thing for me. Sort of the rush of having someone "like" you that way. I am paying particularly close attention to this so that I do not fall into the OM trap again with the cute bald guy with the beautiful eyes and long eyelashes at my office. I have to consciously fight against this every day so I don't repeat my mistakes.

H is in FL this weekend attending a family event and I gave him the Gottman book to read. I don't know if he's read any of it, but I hope he does. When we go to MC, H claims to understand his patterns and contribution to our mess, but I don't see him changing his patterns. H says he "gets triggered" and loses his cool but he does this with such frequency that MC told H he was going to call H's IC to make sure this gets addressed. H can be very, very destructive with these angry outbursts - and even just his scornful reproachful looks do not have a place in a M.

So, all in all... I still have a lot of the doubts that I had back in January when H agreed to start reconciliation. Certainly we have made a lot of progress but I don't know that the fundamental issues are being addressed. H is telling me that I somehow need to be different but I'm having a hard time understanding what it is he wants. He has trouble putting his wants and needs into words so it's difficult for me to make the changes he wants, because I don't know what they are.

[RegretfulLA]

Just another little update while I have time. It seems like the crux of my issues with H revolve around communication. It's not that he's unreliable or a bad H in any other way... It's just that he has a way of interacting with me that's very negative and destructive.

I feel like we may have made some headway on this issue last night. We were having a discussion, on the brink of a fight but I think I said something that made sense: that communication is a dance. Each person has to play their part so that the other person can be heard and respond. I think this is hard to do but it is a skill that can be learned. I made him state his complaint from the "I" perspective rather than the "you" perspective which made it easier to respond. He kept arguing that I only want him to do things differently but I think he doesn't understand that it's hard for me to be empathetic when all his communication comes across as an attack.

Anyway, once he was able to do that he saw that he got a better response. He didn't read the Gottman book like I asked. He dismissed it as "pop psychology". I encouraged him to try to read it. I don't know if he will take that step. He seems very resistant to doing anything differently.

[AnotherStander]

So sorry to hear things are not going smoothly, it sure sounds like the problems are on H's end and you're just along for the ride! Like you said, he's falling back into old patterns. It's good that he's continuing to go to MC though, hopefully that will help him sort things out. Good luck and thanks for the continued updates!

[GH31]

RegretfulLA,

Great to hear from you and hope you're hanging in there.

Gottman would really help your husband to be gentler with you during conflict. I had no idea what an a€€hole I'd been my entire life until I read his book.

Best,

GH31

[Breakdown]

Those are a couple of bummer updates RLA. It sure sounds like H isn't ready to face his demons, but as AS said, at least he is continuing MC/IC, so perhaps he'll get there in time.

I am glad you have gotten a handle on your triggers and some of your issues...keep digging in there, keep working on you. One thing I notice in your post is that you still seem to want to control H...you still want him to do it your way. Try to let go of that. I think the more you push, the further he'll retreat.

I remember having that conflict feeling all the time...it's not a great place to be, for either party.

How is your GAL going? Are you sliding back to old habits too?

[hopefulinga]

Hi LA, I kept up with your food blog. A friend of mine swears by the Whole 30, and is Paleo the rest of the time.

I wondered how you were doing M wise. I still see similarities between your H and mine. And I can see how you ended up with OM.

While I haven't gotten that far, I've scared myself with an increasing friendship with a male that happens to be a friend of H's. He is encouraging me to GAL and telling me he will do things with me. The few times we've been to lunch, he opens the car door for me, etc. and makes me feel a whole lot better than H does. He is well aware of how crappy H has treated me over the years and has been vocal to both of us, separately, that he doesn't like it. I know see how easy it can be to fall into that if you are not getting what you should at home and someone makes you feel good.

[Crazyville]

Hi RLA! I'm sorry I missed your updates! I wish they were better for you.

I'm always at a loss in situations like yours. It sounds like your H wants to be M'd, but then doesn't act like it, in spite of the OM/bomb and other things that should wake people up. This would be especially frustrating for me knowing he was going to counseling to address the issues, thinking the counselors should be giving him the tools.

I hope you're able to deal well with it. I can imagine it would be very taxing on your emotional state. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too, not just your M.

[RegretfulLA]

Hello guys. Thanks again for your support. In the last month, things have continued to improve, which is really great news. H seems to be letting go of some of his stuff and the communication is getting easier. We haven't made much progress with Gottman but I think the key is that neither of us are so invested in "being right". This is helping a lot.

I've been reading a book called "The Gaslight Effect". I am pretty sure that this is what was happening to me in my M. Gaslighting is where one partner manipulates the other person, sometimes maliciously. It is intended to make the gaslightee feel unbalanced and sometimes crazy. The most interesting thing I learned is that this results partially from the gaslightee's need for approval. So as I needed more and more approval, this behavior from my H just got worse and worse.

I am enjoying H's company more these days. My birthday was last week and we had a nice time. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything anymore and I feel happier. I do still have that need for approval though, so I am working on it.

Hopeful, glad you liked my blog. I hated the Paleo diet, but I lost about 5 lbs and am trying to keep it off. Just trying to reduce the sugar and carbs. It is nice to be treated like you deserve to be treated, as you say. This friend sounds supportive but think carefully about what you want. In my case I was unwilling to give up OM1's friendship even though it put my marriage at risk. My M was in such a bad place at the time that I didn't care. Come what may, I said.

In any case, I am glad to be a year out from all of this and recovering. My IC tells me I never really dealt with all the emotional abuse that my husband inflicted on me, plus the drama from having cancer and lack of support at my job, coupled with moving and my oldest son starting school... It was a lot to take in over the span of about 5 years. I'm more of a "forge ahead" type gal so I put all that anxiety into anything that was not painful ... Which is why I was so focused on OM1 - a lot of it was distraction from a painful reality. So now I probably have to figure out how to continue to process everything that has happened.

Will check in again soon!

[RegretfulLA]

Little bit of a backslide this weekend. H and I got in a huge fight but now I think I am much better equipped to deal with this kind of stuff.

So, the long and short of it centers on a miscommunication. We were trying to decide where to go to brunch with another family. I wanted to stay close since I had plans afterwards but there was some talk of going to a place 20 miles away. So I asked my husband where we were going and he said blah blah place 20 miles away. What I didn't know was that he was reading a text from his friend and not implying that this was the plan. Anyway, I got upset because I didn't feel heard. And I yelled, I guess.

Then he started with "you're angry over nothing." Hint: never say this to someone who is upset because it just makes things worse. On and on. I still didn't feel heard which just made me more and more upset. Then eventually he grabbed his phone to change the plan back to blah blah place 20 miles away and I told him to stop and when he didn't I smacked him.

Now I'm characterized as an "abuser" with a "problem". Yes, obviously it was wrong to hit him. Ridiculously wrong and I have apologized. But we're back in the same situation we were in before: he provoked me to take an action I wouldn't normally take, but he's blameless because I was the one who crossed the line. Just like he would constantly say he wanted to D me and a bunch of other things, but I was the one who "cheated".

Glad I read the book on gaslighting - it hasn't happened in a while but I'm glad I brushed up. The good news is we agreed to table the conversation until we see our MC tomorrow. H was very chilly yesterday but seems to be warming up slightly today.

[Breakdown]

Regret, there's a lot of blame in your post. Similar to when you had EAs. You have to take responsibility for YOUR actions. He didn't make you do anything....you chose.

One of the things that stuck with me in your post is your H's comment about "you're angry over nothing." Maybe that is a bit strong, but it makes me think "don't sweat the small stuff." Do you think you are doing that?

Some of this sounds like you are looking for reasons to fight. Are you?

Are you still working on becoming the W only a fool would leave?

So how did the MC go?