Huge mistake, what do I do now ...

[notsurewhat2do]

NotSureWhatToDo - OP

Here is my OP - just history. You can kinda catch up with first posting. Other is just dialogue and me journaling.

I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.

BUT I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE ....I've talked about OW and his affair to many people and made the mistake of saying ... don't tell H, he gets mad when I talk about it.

H text me yesterday (because he won't call me - too confortational) asks me to do him a favor ... stop tell EVERYONE he had an affair and stop calling OW HWW or BARWH*RE. And then text kept coming ... someone really had him fired up. He basically gave it to me via text.
I finally just said I'm sorry EVERYONE is running and telling you everything I say. I really think they just care about you, me and our family. He just kept on. Saying he didn't have an affair, he didn't meet her at the bar, it's absurd that I won't let DD around her. I tried to remain calm. I didn't directly respond to everything he said. I guess he just needed to vent. But I feel like whatever sliver of "maybe we can" just slipped through my fingers.

But here is the thing:
I found out about OW because of pictures sent to DD. AND because OW's dad was telling people that my H was living with her when he left me. H never denied anything. Just said he was sorry, he didn't leave me for her, just a month after he leaves, the house he is renting is ready and they move in together. He had over 3,000 text messages, approx 50 picture messages and about 20 calls on our home number between he and OW ... in one month. They worked together at a bar. He bought her flowers on our anniversary and he gave her little gifts (found charges on bank statement). If it smells, walks and barks like a dog ... isn't it a dog????? He says it wasn't an affair unless you consider an affair "chatting on the phone". I said there are all kinds of affairs ... yes it was an affair. And he says they didn't meet at the bar ... yet he was there for every one of her shifts (that I can tell).

I know I'll get flamed for what I did ... yes, I'm sure it's against every DB rule and policy there is. But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT! H and I had an agreement to be civil and peaceful during this. I honestly never thought about that meaning I couldn't talk to our friends about what happended. I couldn't voice my opinon. I am civil and friendly with H, always. And honestly, I hate that we aren't friends right now (at least I feel like I've chipped away at that friendship) but what does H expect me to do. Do I lay down and let everyone think that I was the most terrible wife ever and that I was so bad that H had to leave. And honestly, I WANT people to feel sorry for me. Sorry ... I admit it. I want sympathy ... I have been with the same man for 22 years, endured one split, endured 3 years of him injured/taking care of him & everything else and he cheated on me!

H has never really defended himself to me. I don't know if thats because he feels like he doesn't have to because to him he didn't do anything wrong ... I mean he didn't have sex with someone else (he says NOW) or he's just gone enough from the relationship that he doesn't feel like he should defend himself or he knows I'm so hurt I won't listen or believe him.

Maybe if he would TALK to me, a lot of this could and would have been avoided. I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?

My one and only friend that I can trust to never say anything to anyone hit the nail on the head this morning, H likes the OW because she "NEEDS" him. I'm a stronger person, makes more money, handles things in the house, takes care of the child, basically I let him do all the fun things and very little responsiblity. The OW boosts his ego..... she is "beneath" him.

So what do I do now? How do I restore what I have "f'd" up so badly. Can I? I told DD last night that I would take H back if he want to come home and at first she said why? And then she said he won't. It's gone to far. I reminded her that 1)he's done this before and 2)she asked me to wait before I did anything. (and yes DD was in on this whole texting convo - she was seeing the effects it was having on me). Please be gentle, my nerves are on edge anyways and I have a massive headache .... and tonight I have to chaperone a 15 year/17 year old date ... kill me now!

[AnotherStander]

I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.

In other words, you were starting to detach and GAL. That's why I really don't understand the rest of your post, which really just goes on and on about your H, OW, how you talked about OW to other people and it got back to H, etc. etc. etc. My question to you is this: what does detaching mean to you? Because here is what it should mean (credit to Peanut):

II. Detachment

Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.

Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.

We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’

It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


So the concept is nothing your H (or OW) does affects your disposition. You need to separate yourself from all of that. Work on yourself. Detach. GAL.

But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT!

Oh yes, nearly all of us here do indeed understand hurt. But DB'ing is about NOT acting out of pain, but acting out of love. Acting out of pain drives you farther from your goals. Acting out of love drives you closer to them.

I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?

You have to accept you'll never have the closure you want. H doesn't have the answers you seek unless you want to hear "I don't know" as an answer. The WAS isn't thinking logically. They don't know themselves what is driving them and they certainly can't verbalize it to someone else.

[25yearsmlc]

NotSureWhatToDo - OP

Here is my OP - just history. You can kinda catch up with first posting. Other is just dialogue and me journaling.

I really thought I had a hit a good place. I was starting to feel okay about where I was headed and things with H is pretty good, I still miss him like crazy and love him. And honestly, the more time that goes on, the more I can see me without him as much I don't want to.

BUT I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE ....I've talked about OW and his affair to many people and made the mistake of saying ... don't tell H, he gets mad when I talk about it.

It also makes it harder to reconcile when other people know. Some will advise you to divorce him asap, and some will feel HE might have had a good reason --or maybe they'll like the OW,

and none of those are desirable results. You want to keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth" so don't make it harder on him to come home than it already is.

The more you challenge his choice of OW and or have others do so, which is what they do when they know, & secretly what you wanted,

the more you force him to defend her and his choices. You are pushing them together more, not less.


H text me yesterday (because he won't call me - too confortational) asks me to do him a favor ... stop tell EVERYONE he had an affair and stop calling OW HWW or BARWH*RE. And then text kept coming ... someone really had him fired up. He basically gave it to me via text.
I finally just said I'm sorry EVERYONE is running and telling you everything I say. I really think they just care about you, me and our family. He just kept on. Saying he didn't have an affair, he didn't meet her at the bar, it's absurd that I won't let DD around her. I tried to remain calm. I didn't directly respond to everything he said. I guess he just needed to vent. But I feel like whatever sliver of "maybe we can" just slipped through my fingers.

But here is the thing:
I found out about OW because of pictures sent to DD. AND because OW's dad was telling people that my

H was living with her when he left me. H never denied anything. Just said he was sorry, he didn't leave me for her, just a month after he leaves, the house he is renting is ready and they move in together. He had over 3,000 text messages, approx 50 picture messages and about 20 calls on our home number between he and OW ... in one month. They worked together at a bar. He bought her flowers on our anniversary and he gave her little gifts (found charges on bank statement). If it smells, walks and barks like a dog ... isn't it a dog????? He says it wasn't an affair unless you consider an affair "chatting on the phone". I said there are all kinds of affairs ... yes it was an affair. And he says they didn't meet at the bar ... yet he was there for every one of her shifts (that I can tell).

this^^ is all filler stuff that upsets you more, and makes you into a victim. His r with her is inappropriate, and we all know that and we all get it.

But listing his crimes against you, helps you W/WHAT??? You know the answer. It keeps you in flames - and the more you are angry w/him, the more he feels justified leaving.

You must lose the anger, at least in front of him. Yes, I KNOW that is hard. It's Mother Teresa Hard!

I get it. But I'm telling you that your anger is not helping your cause. Okay?


I know I'll get flamed for what I did ... yes, I'm sure it's against every DB rule and policy there is. But why does nobody understand, I AM HURT!


Oh, we do understand. We're telling you not to tell the world about his sins AND not to have HIM find out. Trust & confide maybe in one person at most, with this type of information. Vent HERE.

The more people who find out, the harder it is for him to come home. The angrier you get, the harder it is for him to come home. Accept this as "an inconvenient truth".

My single biggest regret, and I have many, is that I did NOT detach or GAL soon enough. I spent months agonizing and trying to understand WHY My H was being a jerk.

I felt I had great convincing arguments against his path, and our 3 (yes three) mc's agreed. They told him he was "acting like a single man" and or "being selfish"...

and while I felt vindicated, it made no difference to my h.

He still felt what he felt, and he also blamed me for "brainwashing" the mc's into taking "my side".

Besides, what good does it do me to "feel right" but powerless? If I am "right" then there is nothing for me to work on?

Nothing I can do to change anything?? NO, that is not true. There were and are changes I can make in the one person I can control, which is ME.

I spent a summer working with children w/cancer.

A 10 y/o cancer patient once told me "I used to ask God why I was sick. I'd say 'why ME, God, why me? Why? Why? Why? Then I just said 'well, I don't know WHY I am sick but I AM Sick- so I better have fun while I can"


and though that little girl died the next year, I always recall her sage wisdom for such a young person.

She tuned into the fact that SOME questions have NO "GOOD" answers-
so you better do what you can with what you do have.

And that's all about YOU GAL and creating for you and your family the best life and good memories you can create. Start now. And think about this next question...

What would your life look like without your h in it, but w/you being happy?

Where would you live? What would your work be like? Would you travel more or take up a hobby? Detail this vision...and then,

ask yourself what of those things you can create for yourself, NOW?

Trust me when I say, it helps.



H and I had an agreement to be civil and peaceful during this. I honestly never thought about that meaning I couldn't talk to our friends about what happended. I couldn't voice my opinon. I am civil and friendly with H, always. And honestly, I hate that we aren't friends right now (at least I feel like I've chipped away at that friendship) but what does H expect me to do. Do I lay down and let everyone think that I was the most terrible wife ever and that I was so bad that H had to leave.

do you believe that telling others about OW makes you look better in their eyes? Or in his eyes? That's the question you have to realize the answer to, is "no".

It does not flatter you to tell others about his affair. It does not help you with him, for sure. And it makes you sound bitter and angry, which is not attractive.

IT is unfair, I realize. But it's still true.

My uncle left my aunt for an OW decades ago. My aunt never told her children about the OW, even though he married OW. But 8 years after they married, OW called my aunt to see if uncle was at HER (ie the aunt's) house. Meaning, he was cheating again on his new wife, the OW#1...and at that moment my aunt realized what a favor he had done her by leaving. 8 years of her NOT worrying where he was or who he was with...that was OWs problem now.

My aunt had changed and become a truly more positive person. SHE had remarried, and her 2nd m was an honestly good solid marriage, before her 2nd h died (25 years later) and then, about 5 years later, she remarried a 3rd h, also a nice guy. My point?

She did not have to see the hurt in her kids' faces telling them what their father had done, she did not make it harder for her kids to spend time with their dad and OW (in another country, no less. That would have been such a nightmare for the kids, but my aunt put their happiness ahead of her desire for revenge).
And her positive nature attracted new good men into her life, along with many friends. She is a busy popular woman. AND now that her adult kids know the whole story (for their father told them & he said if he'd "known the pain it would cause" he would not have left)...so they feel even more admiration for their mom than they did before. Food for thought.


And honestly, I WANT people to feel sorry for me. Sorry ... I admit it. I want sympathy ... I have been with the same man for 22 years, endured one split, endured 3 years of him injured/taking care of him & everything else and he cheated on me!


They would feel more empathy for you if you were more private about your pain, I am sure.

The more you hold your head up w/dignity and do not seek out their sympathy, the more comfortable they'll be in reaching out to you. Trust me on this. People who want pity are needy and clingy and seem to be drowning and it's not a turn on for most healthy friends. Some will give you time but it will be limited b/c it drains.

You seeking pity is the fastest surest way not to get much. And it's not appealing to be around for long. Seriously. Also, what does it teach your children about life for when they experience their setbacks or heartbreak?

You must realize they are watching YOU and learning. Teach them by modelling for them what a woman of strength and dignity does when she faces betrayal. SHe does not merely endure it, nor does she seek out the pity of strangers and she does not become a victim.

She transcends it and moves forward in her life and in her children's lives for THEY ARE HER PRIORITY, not her pain and suffering.


H has never really defended himself to me. I don't know if thats because he feels like he doesn't have to because to him he didn't do anything wrong ... I mean he didn't have sex with someone else (he says NOW) or he's just gone enough from the relationship that he doesn't feel like he should defend himself or he knows I'm so hurt I won't listen or believe him.

What difference does it make? He doesn't want to be with a woman who is furious with him. OR around a woman he needs to "defend himelf" against.

Does that surprise you? Think about it. I'm not trying to make this harder. I'm trying to get you to snap out of this negative spiral.

Maybe if he would TALK to me, a lot of this could and would have been avoided. I know a lot of you say he is not going to talk about any of this with me. But till he does, I feel like I will never have closure. I need to have questions answered - what is so wrong with that?


There is nothing morally "wrong" with wanting answers. It's just that it is usually a fruitless endeavor that wastes time. Time you could spend more wisely, GAL and detaching. See my above comments..and since there are probably not any answers that will satisfy you or give you closure, it's pointless and counter productive. I really believe that.
I'd simply make sure the discussions of what the kids are up to, are as pleasant as possible.

See if you can build on that. You will have to learn how to co parent with him, so try to go "from this day forward." I think it's in our marriage vows for a reason.

.


My one and only friend that I can trust to never say anything to anyone hit the nail on the head this morning, H likes the OW because she "NEEDS" him. I'm a stronger person, makes more money, handles things in the house, takes care of the child, basically I let him do all the fun things and very little responsiblity. The OW boosts his ego..... she is "beneath" him.

well let's say that^^^ mind reading is somehow all true. So you were sending him the message that he was not good enough for you, and or that you were still angry about the first A? OR that you could leave HIM anytime?

Okay so, How would showing him your anger now, be helpful in changing this dynamic? Wouldn't it merely confirm his feelings for OW-- And his choice to leave you?

So what do I do now? How do I restore what I have "f'd" up so badly. Can I? I told DD last night that I would take H back if


Do NOT involve your children in this matter. Period. It's grossly unfair to them and it will backfire on you. Read the Div Remedy book again. Seriously....


he want to come home and at first she said why? And then she said he won't. It's gone to far. I reminded her that 1)he's done this before and 2)she asked me to wait before I did anything.


so, you told her of the previous affair too? Wow. There is a pattern here which I hope you see soon.

(and yes DD was in on this whole texting convo - she was seeing the effects it was having on me). Please be gentle, my nerves are on edge anyways and I have a massive headache .... and tonight I have to chaperone a 15 year/17 year old date ... kill me now!

I understand your pain. But for now, stay in the moment. And try to enjoy the chaperoning and relish the time you have with your children, such as it is. They will be grateful for whatever normalcy or fun you can offer them at this time.

And think about the question I asked you about what you would do if your h were not in your life and you were happy.

If he died, how long would it take you to move forward in your life? I know you feel this is worse, somehow, but that is b/c your ego is so wounded. I get that. And it IS unfair -- but if you think about life and what is truly in the big picture, very unfair, think of AFRICA...

or that 10 y/o with cancer. You have a home, a shelter, w/electricity. No one is stealing your son to fight in a rebel army, or raping your d's, or forcing you to worship their way, or forcing you to cover yourself or not have a job and you have food in the frig (and a FRIG!) and there will be food in it tomorrow. This stuff alone puts you ahead of 95% of women in the world...

SO-What can YOU do to create a happier life for YOU and your kids now? What are your 180s? What are your GAL?

We hammer those points b/c they work. You might want to really read thru the book again and again, so you get off the spiral ride where you go down the drain w/anger.

Take the exit ramp when you get mad or obsess about him and OW. Put a STOP SIGN in your mind if you must but do it. And GAL...for real.

You only get one life. If you really "wasted 22 years" on him, if that is true, then why prolong it?

IF not, then make the best of a bad situation and that means, again, GAL...like I said, it works.

[notsurewhat2do]

I wish I could delete this post. Actually a day after I posted it I wished I could delete it. I was feeling so many things that I couldn't deal with them all at once. I was venting, explaining, yelling, complaining ... everything here. I've not said half of those things to H. And I never will.

I do regret saying what I did about the situation and OW. I don't like her and it's hard being the bigger person and not to resort to teenager like behavior. But I am now. My friends all admire me and tell me all the time how well I'm handling him and the situation. I don't feel like anyone pitys me or feels sorry for me for my actions. I think they do feel bad that I'm in the situation because I've stuck by my H for 21 years and he's left me for someone else.

And I do regret to the extent of what DD knows. And I've apologized to her for treating her more like an adult than a child. She is mature for her age and handles things like a champ. But I will not lie when she asks questions. She has told me several times, she lovees her dad, not what he has done, but she loves him and always will. She doesn't want to be around OW yet, but she will eventually. And yes she knows about the first time H left because she overhead us discussing it the night he left.

I still haven't apologized to H. The opportunity hasn't arose yet. But we are fine with each other. We text about things (DD, taxes, business), H makes a few jokes when texting, today we've been making a decision about DD going on a "group" date tomorrow night and H called me explaining what he was going to tell DD.

I am good now. Detaching is hard. And obiviously I'm not doing it very well. But grin and bare it I will! But I am GAL... working on getting super, high school, skinny . I'm going out with friends, handling my own car issues and doing thing around the house (decorating and such). I do things for me (like bible study and weight watchers) and I spend time with DD.

DD and I are okay. We have our own routine. Although, she's spent 3 afternoons this week with H. Today he got suckered into taking her to get her nails done. (I still say she uses him, but whatever ... that's between them).

I didn't waste 22 years on H. And actually H will even say we had a good 21 years. Did we have a best marriage ever? NO, but I thought it was solid and it was up till 3 years ago. If H is in MLC ... then it s*cks! I read an article about a skier getting a divorce and she said she was just so very unhappy that she had to get out. I think that describes H. I think he is very very unhappy with how his life is going. I NEVER threw it in his face that I made more money, ever. Actually, I kept financial problems from him to keep him feeling bad about the fact it was contributing as much (yes, probably a bad idea, but at the time it worked) I only said once to him that "he had to do something" and that was when things started coming to a head I think. But for 3 years I accepted how things were in quiet, I never voiced how I felt or overwhelmed I felt, except that once in January (last year).

I love my husband, but I can't change what has happend. I can't change the past. I can only look forward to the future. Do I want to see it without him? NO! But it's not my choice at this point. Can I be happy without him? YES! I can! I have no choice. I'm not going to live my life where my happiness is dependent on someone else, I can't. Life is too short! But boy, is the unknown scary .....