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I am all over the place. We went out to dinner with the kids. It's not fun for me at all. Doing things as a family. But My boys don't want to go alone with him. S8 says he loves Daddy but can't trust him or believe what he says. S5 doesn't want to go without me. So to avoid H accusing me of keeping the children from him, I go. It reminds me that I want to keep our family together. I want him to hit rock bottom fast and realize this is a huge mistake. But with the OW still in the picture (he says through email only), I know he feels encouraged and empowered. I cannot do anything to make him feel remorse...to make him change his mind. He seems angry at me. He got what he wanted, he left. He wants it all. The close family environment, our cozy house, the financial security WITHOUT me in the picture. It seems like if I were dead, he would have just what he wanted. But he would still be him, with all his problems...just like he is now.

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Oh man. I really feel for you!!! Affairs are in my sitch too. My best advice is to not jump too fast to a decision. I'm 2 1/2 months from finding out about my H and his affairs and I'm willing to see if we can rebuild trust if he chooses to work at being faithful. Everything I've read on infidelity says to try not to make desisions in the first 3-6 months. The shock & pain of finding this out clouds any possibility of thinking clearly.

I'm so sorry! I know this pain all too well. I'm also a mostly SAHM, I'm 12 weeks pregnant too. Yippee! I'm just trying to settle into my new normal.


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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thank you Tallula. Today I went with my sons and H to a party. And I shared with H about some of the painful things they have been saying. They don't show their feelings to him--I think because they are afraid he will disappear completely. My S8 said I love Daddy but I don't believe in him anymore. This really hurt H. My S5 keeps bumping himself on purpose and collapsing into hysterics for an hour. any excuse to let out the pain that he can't understand

It is WAY too fast and I told H today that a week ago we hosted a birthday party for our 5 year old and now he's seen a divorce lawyer, moved out and told the boys it's over. Our heads are spinning. In the interest of saving money, my sister and I are letting him stay in our mother's empty house that is on the market (she died), and I asked to seriously consider continuing therapy, starting indivdual therapy, and making a decision with a clear head without contact with the OW. He said that I made some very good points, and that he would think about it. We have the therapy appt on Saturday so let's see what happens.

I do not want him in my house, I am dropping this boundary tonight because my son asked if Daddy could come to watch a movie. I choose to show good will to him rather than tear off his face because of the kids.

I suggested a long separation before proceeding with the divorce, and to build our relationship up to the point where we can truly said we did everything we could. I have SERIOUS doubts that he will step up to the plate. and if he does, well then I will do my best to work even harder than before.

but i remain so CONFUSED...

congratulations on your pregnancy Tallula. I feel for you...I hope it works out for you, too.

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Hi, Tig,

I read your entire thread. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in the position you are in.

My H is in an EA. He moved out 3 months ago & left behind not only me but our 3 sons-ages 13, 11 & 9. WAS's are oblivious to the destruction they have caused by their decisions.

They are all about themselves at the expense of anyone and everyone.

You are doing right by your kids. Give them lots of love and reassurance. Continue to speak only kind words regarding your H. THey have already formed opinions about his actions--kids are amazingly perceptive.

His initial absence will be hard for you & your children, but you will get used to a "new normal" and start to settle in a couple of months.

Visitation will be hard. You have to decide what is best for your children and what you can live with. My H visits the house after school while I'm not home (mostly) and then on w/e's during the afternoons. Not easy for me having him in the house while I'm here but feel I only want children to be in their home (for now).

I agree not to rush any decisions. Your pain is too new, too raw to act on. Give yourself the gift of time. I guarentee your H is confused and will be thinking long and hard about his actions and second guessing what he wants, but he needs time too.

Breathe, take one day at a time, be strong, and take care of yourself so you can be strong for your kids.


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
My S5 keeps bumping himself on purpose and collapsing into hysterics for an hour. any excuse to let out the pain that he can't understand


He learned this from his father.


Me: 44
H: 48
M: 4 yrs
My EA: 2010 & 2012
Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11
H left 1st time: 10/28/11
Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11
H left 2nd time: 12/23/12
Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
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thank you for reading my saga. thank you for your kind words. My only focus right now is my sons. I wonder if I am making an impact or not. visiting is going to be HARD. I truly don't trust him, and my children feel uncomfortable. Today I pushed my son's limits a little and suggested an outing to the library after the bday party and he refused. We went anyway and S8 wouldn't get out of the car. he started crying. Won't do that again. H understood and brought us home. So he has seen it for himself.

As if things couldn't get any WORSE. and I swear I am not making this up. After a nice movie night with the boys, where H thanked me for the opportunity and appeared very grateful...we said goodbye and I took the recycling out, only to see H enter the house across the street. I thought I was seeing things because he has already driven away. So I called him on his cell and he did not answer...3x...then he did answer and I could tell he was not in the car on the bluetooth--I said--where are you? he said he didn't like the tone of my voice--and said he refused to answer these questions. Asked if I wanted him to return. I said yes. I watched the house across the street (the neighbor is recently divorced and very suspicious--our sons are friends, but she has flirted with H in the past) Next thing H strides up to the house panting. I said where were you? where is your car? Because I saw none. He wouldn't answer so I said--I know where you were. WHY? and he said he needed to pick something up.

Not to bore you but yet ANOTHER LIE. He had parked his car a block away then walked back to go into her house. then jumped over three fences to get out of her backyard and over to my house again.

So then I did some more sleuthing....Called the hotel where he supposedly was staying Thurs-Fri-Sat---turns out he was there Fri-Sat but not Thurs. another LIE

I believe he has some kind of disorder. why on earth do I want to be with this jerk? sad thing is that I love him and he is the father of my children and we have a happy harmonious family life (as a couple we need MUCH help)

I can take any more sucker punches like this. I need a break. He will see the boys Weds.

Somehow I am able to not take this personally. Probably because I know there is something wrong with him, not me. I don't think I am his target...

Do WAS ever repent and show remorse? When? H looks pretty bad right now. never seen him look more worn out and old.

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Originally Posted By: Lampstand
Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
My S5 keeps bumping himself on purpose and collapsing into hysterics for an hour. any excuse to let out the pain that he can't understand


He learned this from his father.


Lampstand do you think a 5 year old could learn this from H? Showing no emotions?

that is scary. The 8 year old has a hard time, too,, esp now.

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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
Somehow I am able to not take this personally.


Are you sure about that? Because if that was the case, I don't think you would have called him 3 times and tried to out him in his lie. You've got to detach and get off his roller coaster.

Quote:
Do WAS ever repent and show remorse? When?


Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. The real question isn't if and when that will happen, the real question is can you forgive him and let go? Because you have to do that, not for him but for YOU. Re-read the chapter in DR on forgiveness, it's not about actually telling him you forgive him, it's more about an internal decision you make.

Quote:
H looks pretty bad right now. never seen him look more worn out and old.


This is often the case. The WAS is not happy inside, they are usually confused and in turmoil. Add to that the complications of trying to keep a bunch of lies juggling in the air like your H is doing and it can really wear a person down.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
As if things couldn't get any WORSE. and I swear I am not making this up. After a nice movie night with the boys, where H thanked me for the opportunity and appeared very grateful...we said goodbye and I took the recycling out, only to see H enter the house across the street. I thought I was seeing things because he has already driven away. So I called him on his cell and he did not answer...3x...then he did answer and I could tell he was not in the car on the bluetooth--I said--where are you? he said he didn't like the tone of my voice--and said he refused to answer these questions. Asked if I wanted him to return. I said yes. I watched the house across the street (the neighbor is recently divorced and very suspicious--our sons are friends, but she has flirted with H in the past) Next thing H strides up to the house panting. I said where were you? where is your car? Because I saw none. He wouldn't answer so I said--I know where you were. WHY? and he said he needed to pick something up.


I have no words. He's out of control! I don't know what to say but as far as DB goes, shouldn't you ask him any questions about his actions? I know you are beyond mad and sad (I'd be too!) but if he's gonna lie about his actions anyway, why not ask and see how he reacts? I am so sorry TW


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Originally Posted By: stilllookingup
Originally Posted By: TigWinkle
As if things couldn't get any WORSE. and I swear I am not making this up. After a nice movie night with the boys, where H thanked me for the opportunity and appeared very grateful...we said goodbye and I took the recycling out, only to see H enter the house across the street. I thought I was seeing things because he has already driven away. So I called him on his cell and he did not answer...3x...then he did answer and I could tell he was not in the car on the bluetooth--I said--where are you? he said he didn't like the tone of my voice--and said he refused to answer these questions. Asked if I wanted him to return. I said yes. I watched the house across the street (the neighbor is recently divorced and very suspicious--our sons are friends, but she has flirted with H in the past) Next thing H strides up to the house panting. I said where were you? where is your car? Because I saw none. He wouldn't answer so I said--I know where you were. WHY? and he said he needed to pick something up.


I have no words. He's out of control! I don't know what to say but as far as DB goes, shouldn't you ask him any questions about his actions? I know you are beyond mad and sad (I'd be too!) but if he's gonna lie about his actions anyway, why not ask and see how he reacts? I am so sorry TW


Ok. Deep breath. This sounds like my H. So when he told me about his affair...he confessed to multiple PAs in our first 3 years. Horrified...yes. Shocked, yep. He cutoff OW 3 weeks ago and then I snooped on his phone and basically saw that he is laying the groundwork for another A. At least texting a woman who's number he didn't save. I haven't told him about that. He'll just flip it around on me. But I know. My eyes are open. For me, that was were my boundries became clear. See, my H wanted to move forward with our R, but still be FB friends with OW and secretive with his phone. No dice for me. I said calmly that I needed transparency and OW defriended on FB. He didn't want to do it. Flipped out. Calmed down and finally admitted that he does need to decide if he wants/can to be a faithful H before we can try to work on our M. It took me 2 1/2 months to get there, but I have no regrets. I didn't jump to any decision based on anger. I know in my heart that should this end in D, I have given it time, given him space, done everything in my power to give this M a chance.

So, cry, scream, get quiet. You have just had a serious jolt to the system. Affair, more lies, maybe a new one. Your H is really messed up right now. Figure out your boundries. YOU. When I set mine, I didn't ask if he was going to date other woman or anything. He offered up that this S isn't so he can run around with other woman, it's for him to be alone. But, I don't know if he is capable of that. I don't ask. It's running through my head, but heck...at least he isn't doing it infront of me anymore. This is my time for me.

I am giving you a HUGE cyber hug. God, is this painful. I'll punch yours, if you punch mine smile


M: 9 yrs
T: 13 yrs
H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months
Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs
Dbing 12/12
S 1/13
7/13 H moved back in basement.
8/13 #3 born
10/13 still cheating
10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
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