Crimson....One year later, part 2

[bustorama]

One other thought about the Fix It Behaviors, Crimson (that so many of us do).

What often "drives" the LBS to initiate contact with the WAS, pursue, make things right, carry the load, FIX IT, etc is some negative feeling that the LBS is experiencing (consciously or otherwise). Could be anxiety about "losing" the WAS. The loneliness of being left behind, the anxiety of things not being "right" in the R. Or guilt/remorse about past neglect or poor treatment of the WAS.

In that sense, the "fixing" behavior itself can be counter-productive BECAUSE it is still selfish -- it's more about the feelings of the LBS and does not REALLY consider the feelings of the WAS (it's less on the accepting/validating side -- what has the WAS said they want? Is the WAS seeking contact/an R with the LBS?). The negative feelings can be so powerful -- can hurt like hell. And not acting on them can lead to more discomfort, making them hard not to act out through habitual "fix it" behaviors.

I think it really is a gift, as 25 said, coming with your hard-earned growth, that you are reaching the point now where you hear a voice saying, "leave her to me" and that you feel comfortable hearing and (not) acting that. It applies to so much. Control yourself, then fix yourself. And, let the rest...be.

[JuneReN]

Okay,wow..I needed to hear that. I definitely see myself in this. I do not know if I am at the stage I need to be. Well I know I am not. But Busto said it well. It gave me a little more strength not to contact H today. So thanks and I will be referring to this post for awhile.

[dorightman]

What often "drives" the LBS to initiate contact with the WAS, pursue, make things right, carry the load, FIX IT, etc is some negative feeling that the LBS is experiencing (consciously or otherwise). Could be anxiety about "losing" the WAS. The loneliness of being left behind, the anxiety of things not being "right" in the R. Or guilt/remorse about past neglect or poor treatment of the WAS.

In that sense, the "fixing" behavior itself can be counter-productive BECAUSE it is still selfish -- it's more about the feelings of the LBS and does not REALLY consider the feelings of the WAS (it's less on the accepting/validating side -- what has the WAS said they want? Is the WAS seeking contact/an R with the LBS?). The negative feelings can be so powerful -- can hurt like hell. And not acting on them can lead to more discomfort, making them hard not to act out through habitual "fix it" behaviors.

I think it really is a gift, as 25 said, coming with your hard-earned growth, that you are reaching the point now where you hear a voice saying, "leave her to me" and that you feel comfortable hearing and (not) acting that. It applies to so much. Control yourself, then fix yourself. And, let the rest...be.

This Really resonates with me. Thank you bustorama!

[lostinscared]

I like a lot of the advice you are getting here. I think Busto and 25 are right about so many things. I also think you are right about your approach. If you examine Denver's situation very carefully, he'll tell you he handled it the same. He fixed his stuff and did need to maintain and even initiate contact to show changes and build trust. He had done his work. There did come a time that she became too dependent on this, however, and it was necessary for him to pull back completely. In his case, he asked for a divorce. He DIDN'T do it as a ploy or tactic, he was quite prepared to deal with the fallout (as you must be when you make that decision), but he got it figured out.

My H spent 6 months laying the groundwork to come back home. And I had reactions that were all over the map. I had lost complete trust in him. I know that what I have gone through has been excruciating internally. (So I caution others to think that anyone is purposely doing harm or has "ulterior" motives or are "cake eating." This is where I really think that 25's advice shines (and for me Sandi's)).

To Busto's point, though, the pullback needs to happen. I need you to trust yourself here. Did you do enough? I think you did. Are you prepared for any outcome? I think you are. So... time to leave it to God.

I'm praying for you

LIS

[Crimson]

Busto -

Clearly this was one of the most helpful, thoughtful posts I have received - by my own understanding and the input of others. I agree with you completely, and still feel as if I am locked into this course with full conviction. And, unlike before, not intiating contact seems rather painless - almost "good" - like I have some kind of control back in my life again.

By the way, thank you for clarifying the simple difference between INITIATING and RECEIVING contact.....that's a big deal for me. Prior to your explanation, I was operating under the assumption that there was no difference....that when you were "gone" you were gone completely. In the absence of that clarification I probably would have made some pretty bad judgement calls on my end.

So let me tell you guys how it has been working so far.....


I am sticking by my guns and not initiating contact. Saturday XE texted me and asked if I wanted to see S. I could tell in her voice that she was tired and probably needed some time to herself after 10 days with him. I agreed and we met up for a quick dinner. It was great to see my son again and he didn't forget me.

XW and I had a nice pleasant chat over dinner. As we were leaving the restaurant she said "well, I'll be at the 9:00 church service tomorrow" - I said ok, and made my way home with my son.

Sunday morning, without contacting her, I decided to attend the 9:00 service with my boy. I got to church with no sign of XW. This time I DID text her and ask if she was there (it's a big place). She immediately texted back "OH NO!!! I took NyQuil for my cold last night and just woke up!!". She said she would meet us up there after the 9:00 service and have breakfast with us and then go to the 11:00 service. That's exactly what happened - and once again the three of us had a nice little chat (XW even insisted on paying!). I dropped her off back at the church (we drove to breakfast together and she left her car at church) and that was pretty much it for the day. No texting, no e-mailing, no reaching out. I just enjoyed my day with the boy and put him to bed at 8:00.

Soooo, I was watching TV in bed around 9:30 and MUCH to my surprise I got a text from my XW saying "Are you OK?". Stunned, I waited a few minutes to reply and said yes - I asked how her cold was coming along. She said she was getting better and asked how our S was doing. I gave a quick reply and that was it - I did not drag it out at all and just went to bed.

This morning I was on my way out the door, taking S to school. W texts me and says "Can I talk to S this morning?". For a fleeting second I thought about not responding and just dropping him off. However, I called her and handed S the phone. They had a brief back and forth and that was the end of it. I did not initiate any conversation. A few minutes later she texted me and said thanks for letting her talk to him.

Maybe I am seeing what I want to see here, but it DOES seem as though she is reaching out a bit more. Am I high or something?? It's only been a few days - but I guess I'll keep my eye on what happens. Moreover, I guess I will see how it all goes down when she has him.

Thank you everyone for your input and prayers.

Crimson

[Harrier]

Everyone that I have encountered on this board that has somehow made it back with their SO has had a period of "contented non-contact". Seems like that is just part of the deal and my time is fast approaching - if not here already.

Crimson

Crimson,
I'm going to throw a small bit of cold water on this. I am fully back with my wife and I never had any period of Non-contact. Heck, when I lived apart from my wife, I still spent 1 night per week at my house (for the kids).
I took the approach that is closer to what you are doing than others. But my situation did not reach where you are.
I will add, that I believe, regardless of your approach, I think you have to honestly believe in your heart that you will be okay if you never get back together. Somehow, the spouse can pick up on this so no faking. I don't know if you've reach that point yet. Good luck.

[lostinscared]

Crimson,

I guess you answered your own question. Just wait and see what happens. You aren't going to answer this in a day or week. But I'm real proud of you. I still insist that she's not doing this out of malice. I think she genuinely needs the time to work through her feelings and miss you. And that may or may not happen. BUT without this move, you would never have given her the chance.

I'm praying for you.

LIS

[bustorama]

I am happy if anything I write is helpful to you, Crimson (and to others here also supporting you).

And I totally agree with LIS that there is no malice, bad intent, or 2-facedness in her interactions with you. She has seemed forthright in her feelings, confusion and ambivalence since early on, but with the prevailing tides drifting her to D.

Now, like you say, you wait by not waiting (i.e., by continuing to live). I suggest not to get your expectations up too high or draw conclusions while she has S. Even if she does not initiate contact with you, it does not mean she is not missing you (it would be mindreading to think that). The opposite could be said for her contacting you when you have S (i.e., that perhaps she is contacting you because she misses S/family, rather than because she missed you). As best you can, try not to ruminate on/interpret any of it. Just accept it for what it is -- a friendly contact from your XW -- and keep being your great self with her, your boy, and others, as you are doing.

[bustorama]

I will add, that I believe, regardless of your approach, I think you have to honestly believe in your heart that you will be okay if you never get back together. Somehow, the spouse can pick up on this so no faking. I don't know if you've reach that point yet.

I agree with this 100%. In my own sitch, I had been no contact for about 2-3 months and my W's calling had intensified, but it wasn't until I made contact with her to let her know I was going to file for divorce and I would like to sit down and discuss terms that things really began to change. They "know" when you've detached and are beginning to move on.

There's the rub.

[bustingout]

Crimson, I follow your sitch.

I find it inspiring to read. Thank you for putting your details and life on this board because I know at least for me, it resonates deeply and helps me reflect and perceive things differently.

I appreciate it immensely.

I wish you the best, no matter what and admire your efforts at moving forward.

((((( )))))

Busto, thank you for your insightful posts. They are helping many of us.