Although I am a newcomer to this site, it feels like I’m more of a latecomer – as I only wish I had been able to benefit from this forum and Michelle’s books earlier. Nonetheless, I am here now, and prepare myself going forward.
A little history. Twenty-one months ago, after nearly seventeen years of what seemed to be a decent marriage, my W gave me the notorious ILYBNILWY speech. I was stunned, and couldn’t believe this was happening. I wondered what I had done wrong, what was going to happen next, and even whether there was someone else. She assured me I wasn’t the cause, but rather her own insecurities. She did not want to separate or divorce, but rather see how things panned out. She even promised that no one else was in the picture.
With regard to the last sentence, it took just a couple of weeks of her not covering tracks with care which raised red flags and led me to the discovery & identity of the OM. A gentle approach yielded nothing, except that it was my imagination. A subsequent firmer approach yielded scorn to never bring up the topic again. Not wanting to test what would happen, as I did not want things to end, I merely went along just to get along. I did that for the next nine months, with occasional attempts to initiate the discussion, until we eventually separated at her request.
She did not want to set a timeline or parameters for the separation. However, we did manage to get together once a week for dates (sometimes romantic, but always platonic). We eventually even attended marriage counseling each week for four months. Yet, all of that was a conflict of interest, as she was still involved with OM. (One good thing which happened as a result of the separation was that I was able to rediscover my own interests and individual identity which I somehow lost or neglected a long time ago.)
Indeed, no argument from me, I agree I was behaving like a doormat, thus enabling her to be a cake eater. My philosophy was that if I broached the topic, she’d refuse to talk. I did not want to risk pushing her away permanently. I felt that since her relationship was cougar/cub (twelve year age difference), it had to eventually fizzle out.
Time got the best of me. Frustrated with her continued affair, not being able to communicate the issues, or able to have any discussions of reconciling - she made it known she was ready for divorce after I informed her I knew about things she didn’t think I knew.
Nearly two months after the divorce finalized, the two of them are still in a relationship - which I guess indicates it is more than a short-lived fling.
I’m angry, but not at her. I’m upset with myself for apparently dropping the ball by unknowingly providing her with discontent to go out and seek the comfort of someone else. And then when I discovered the infidelity, I did next to nothing to “fight” to retain her or stand my ground. I want to move on emotionally. However, I realize I’m shouldering the entire blame for causing her discontent, not thwarting her affair, and not being able to successfully navigate the troubled waters. Even up to the point of filing, she suggested we were better friends than a married couple. After the divorce, she felt friendship should also be tossed.
I appreciate your thoughts about whether a self-imposed blame is warranted in my sitch, and how to snap out of it. I realize it takes two in a marriage, and therefore I legitimatel would share a part of the responsibility for it failing. Somehow, I’ve tricked myself into believing I’m to shoulder the entire burden.
And, might I add...why aren't you angry at her? Anger is not a "bad" emotion and can actually help heal. After my husband walked out after 20 years, it took almost two years for me to get REALLY angry and then I was able to move through that stage of grief.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
