I occasionally listen to Krista Trippett's radio show On Being, and a show in late November really knocked me on my ass. The interview is with Brene Brown and she is talking about how real courage, and real joy, is born of vulnerability. I spent the next week listening to her three Ted talks over and over again and slowly processing it.
Y'know what she reminded me of? Modeled on my mother, I grew up to be someone who, rather than avoiding getting hurt, prided myself on being tough enough to survive anything life threw at me. I frequently put myself in physically and emotionally vulnerable situations, which my friends sometimes said was foolish and naive and I would respond that I was deliberately, willfully naive. I refused to act out of fear for what could go wrong. I really liked being that person, but I am no longer her.
In the years since my marriage fell apart, I have worked on changing myself. I have a list of things I try to do or not do in the name of being solution focused. When I am in contact with my husband, there is a second conversation in my head, constantly asking what how he will perceive what I say and do and what the long term consequences of that might be. I have become cautious in a way that I never was before. I've lost much of my spontaneity. I have even resisted getting past the pain of our split because once the grief is gone, nothing of my marriage will remain. But it's no wonder my attempts at reconciliation haven't worked - _I_ don't even like who I've become. I don't know how to reconcile this point of view with my continued desire to stand for my marriage, to stay open to reconciliation, to being solution oriented. But I miss being tough. I miss being able to let the pain wash over me and know somehow it would be okay. I miss being my own greatest fan. I need to get back to that place.
Anybody else heard Brene Brown speak? What did it mean to you?
M: 43 H: 44 M: 12.5 if the 5.5 year separation counts Bomb (I dropped it): Dec '07 H said finit: Jun '10 I moved on: May '13
I don't know Grebjack, I really identified with how you grew up; I thought of myself the same way. I think I'm stronger now that I know some real pain to deal with...and some much better ways of dealing with it...and how to let myself be vulnerable to seek the help and companionship of people.
I think you need to get through this, like a phoenix. There will be some of you that is changed, but at the core you'll still be you. Take off what seems not-you when you are ready. You're still working through this. But you need to like yourself, and be your greatest fan.
You might not be cheering for the exact same things as before, but what you are doing here takes courage and guts and is worth cheering for much more than the risks you might have taken before.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
