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Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: Denver_2010] #2335972
04/05/13 02:25 AM
04/05/13 02:25 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
MrBond Offline
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MrBond  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Have you tried talking to her about these things away from your SS? Is this her biological son?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: MrBond] #2336021
04/05/13 12:38 PM
04/05/13 12:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
S
scaredsilly Offline
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scaredsilly  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,219
Denver, I live in a step situation. My H has done the same thing to me. I don't believe he would have done it to the kids bio mom.

I backed off of disciplining my steps and left it up to their father. However, I became resentful because he felt too guilty to do much disciplining.

It's so hard to be in a step family. I wish I had the answers for you but the only thing that worked for my marriage was for the stepkids to reach adulthood and finally get their own lives.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: MrBond] #2336030
04/05/13 01:07 PM
04/05/13 01:07 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
D
Denver_2010 Offline OP
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Denver_2010  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
Thanks SS...

Bond, yes, we have talked about it numerous times outside of SS's presence. She doesn't usually undermine me in front of him, it's more like it's after I decide something, SS is upset, in another room, and then she does it. But it's still undermining me.

W wants me to be involved with all aspects of raising SS, including discipline, but she wants to be able to have the ability to overrule me. She's fine with it when she is in agreement or when she doesn't want to deal with the stress of it herself. But then when she doesn't agree with me, or she feels badly for ss, then she feels that she can overrule me. It wouldn't be like that if ss were our bio child. And that is frustrating for me. I feel that if I'm to be involved with discipline, then I have to have the power/authority to carry it out.

We have talked about it and agree that she and I should generally try to talk to each other before doing anything. But that isn't always possible and sometimes, one of us will be put in a position where we have to act at the moment.

One thing that I point out to her is that I NEVER overrule her and ALWAYS back her up in front of ss... even when I think that she is wrong or overreacting.

Also, the reality is that I am the only person in SS's life who he really is afraid of... 'afraid' in the sense that he will think twice before misbehaving with me around. During our separation, ss was completely out of control. He has been much, much better since we began reconciliation. W has admitted as much, but gives credit to ss maturing vs. the fact that I am around.

Just very frustrating...

In any case, we were talking by the time that I took her to the airport this morning and we hugged and had a goodbye kiss before I left. So things were better.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: Denver_2010] #2336157
04/05/13 06:31 PM
04/05/13 06:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
figgeroni Offline
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figgeroni  Offline
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Posts: 951
as the bio-parent in a step situation, I wanted to weigh in

I know that I react the same way when Cori disciplines our boys (almost typed my...does that clue you in to where she is coming from?)

It doesn't matter that he has,by far, been the most stable male role model in their lives...doesn't matter that he loves them like his own

because ultimately...they are mine...I am responsible

there is a level of resentment when he disciplines them, I have to admit...I cringe when I say that...

I feel guilt when he disciplines them...like I am his mom and I should be doing it...so it is hard, a struggle really, not to override any punishment that Cori gives them.

It is a hard balancing act for sure

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: figgeroni] #2336498
04/06/13 10:12 PM
04/06/13 10:12 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
D
Denver_2010 Offline OP
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Denver_2010  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
Thanks Fig. I know that it is. Step parenting is very difficult. You don't get much credit for the good things, and you get a lot of criticism, and resentment, when you mess up or don't live up to the standards that the bio parent has set in their minds.

It is, by far, the most difficult issue that W and I have between us.


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: Denver_2010] #2337143
04/09/13 02:42 AM
04/09/13 02:42 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
F
figgeroni Offline
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figgeroni  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
for sure...

often (when removed from the immediate situation) I feel horrible for Cori...he is basically in a no-win situation (just like you)

I mean...

if he makes the "right" choice, according to my mind...I basically take the credit anyway and he is the bad guy for disciplining them (to the boys) and if he doesn't choose the way I would then I get angry and feel like he doesn't understand them or us and how could he do that and...

it's tough and puts an awful strain on the situation

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: figgeroni] #2340841
04/19/13 01:18 PM
04/19/13 01:18 PM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 467
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lifejustgothard2 Offline
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lifejustgothard2  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 467
Bond could you stop by my thread.?? Hope you are well.

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: lifejustgothard2] #2350253
05/19/13 01:38 AM
05/19/13 01:38 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
D
Denver_2010 Offline OP
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Denver_2010  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
How is everyone? I haven't been around much. Very busy with work and family etc. I just thought I'd stop by to say hello and let everyone know that things are still moving along with my R. My wife and I definitely have ups and downs and are still trying to figure it all out. R was definitely easier the first couple of months after we decided to do it than it is now. And I'm sure that both of us have questioned whether it was the right choice. We are both committed to it though, and somehow get through the rough times and back to the good times. The tools that I learned by going through this process, and here, have definitely helped.

I will try to start posting again when things slow down. I certainly haven't forgotten about this place...


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: Denver_2010] #2359108
06/18/13 05:07 AM
06/18/13 05:07 AM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 399
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newman7977 Offline
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newman7977  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 399
Hey Denver,

Just stopping by to say what's up ! Hope all is well with you and family.

Newman


me40; W43
M18; T~20
D18; S13 & S3
bomb 5/9/11
EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM

Separated 4/1/14

"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.


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