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A Message from Michele
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Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: figgeroni] #2325931
02/27/13 10:30 PM
02/27/13 10:30 PM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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Originally Posted By: figgeroni
Starsky....remember...Denver's wife felt just as left behind and abandoned as Denver did

in order to come back together and work at it together...it can not come from a point of whom owes whom more

they were both wronged and both did wrong

it is not tit for tat


IF I recall correctly, the "A" was not before the BD but after,

AND after a sep...


No, I'm not saying it's "alright then"

but surely it's not the same as an affair that comes out of the blue & CAUSES the BD...didn't happen in that order, or so I thought.

ALSO, One of Denver's wife's complaints before/while the ordeal began, was how SHE saw his interactions w/OWs. She often felt insecure around him and OWs...

In her view, (and I don't know if it was justified. I recall thinking it was, but can't recall specifics enough now)...

Denver was flirtatious w/OWs, even while his w was with him (=disrespecting her, in her view)

and she often wondered about "affairs" of his...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2326013
02/28/13 08:33 AM
02/28/13 08:33 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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Denver,

I wanted to ask you about your SS...now. Did you guys tell him the full truth about OM? How do YOU feel your r is with your ss?

If you saw my post on the thread w/my screen name, I've run into some recent issues with my youngest, d15. She really resents my h. Her older siblings have their issues w/him too, but she's the one I'm most concerned with atm.

Granted, she is 15. Some of her attitude is...her attitude. But I'm positive it's not just her age. She's angry and what I now realize is, that whatever work h and I did to reconcile, was NOT something that automatically filtered into her world or her heart.

It is almost as if I thought she'd gone to Retrovaille with us. Not consciously, (duh.)

But somehow I assumed if WE reconciled, everyone would be on board. So there is yet another chapter. Plus, before this, my MIL passed away.

Point being, life keeps throwing us curve balls and we keep needing tools and communication keeps needing to be given, & with effort. Commitments need to be made and then renewed, and so...

the work continues.


But if we had not reconciled, there'd still be work.

It would be a different kind of work and we'd be apart doing it.

So no, I don't regret the recon, but I regret taking certain aspects of it for granted. I was so focussed on MY changes and the r between h and me, and I believed that our m being renewed and restored was naturally in the children's best interest.

Though I still believe that, I wish we had involved them more with the whole process. Not sure how to do that, since it is a marriage of h and w. But we are also a family...

just food for thought. *(Maybe Starsky or Sandi can address how things went for them vis a vis their children's attitudes, a few years later on in life.)

Keep posting, it's a good topic that Div Remedy does not fully address...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: 25yearsmlc] #2326256
03/01/13 03:44 AM
03/01/13 03:44 AM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 951
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figgeroni Offline
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figgeroni  Offline
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25...

that was the point I was trying to make...

thank you smile

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: figgeroni] #2326271
03/01/13 05:17 AM
03/01/13 05:17 AM
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 352
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Eryam Offline
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Eryam  Offline
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Posts: 352
The kid thing terrifies me, personally. While D was not even born yet, one could argue her conception is what sent H off on the deep end. And if she ever were to find out the horrible things he suggested while he was insane??? She'd never forgive him. I'm not sure I can ever forgive him.

As a child of divorced parents due to an A, I have never fully forgiven my father. Although I actually think it was better for my parents to be divorced (I think they are both happier and better parents for it), I still loathe my father to some degree for the way he went about it. And that was well over a decade ago.

Sorry for the hijack.


I have the patience of Job.
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: Eryam] #2326278
03/01/13 06:44 AM
03/01/13 06:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
CA- now East coast
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25yearsmlc Offline
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hijack or not (not my thread so I apologize for being out of line)

but that feedback is needed around here. DB does cover it in a way, at the beginning when MWD talks about her experience as a child of divorce.

But there's no advice about HOW to navigate these issues with the children, with or without a reconciliation.

(On my thread, or a thread w/my name on it, this is being discussed).

My parents probably should have divorced--I always said that. Now, I wonder b/c that's tough to know.

Would my mom, a beautfiul woman w/artistic flair and musical talent, but a mother of NINE, really have found a Prince Charming?

Wouldn't it have been better if my dad had simply gotten better coping skills and not drank so much?

(In fairness to him, he had some strikes against him not of his making...but then the choices he made in reaction to those bad events, sukked).

Anyhow, back to you Denver...how are you?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: BC39] #2328190
03/08/13 03:50 AM
03/08/13 03:50 AM
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 467
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lifejustgothard2 Offline
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Denver - how are you? Are you and w doing the weekend to remember again?

Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: lifejustgothard2] #2329321
03/12/13 10:46 PM
03/12/13 10:46 PM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
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Denver_2010 Offline OP
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No plans to do the weekend to remember again. We will, just no plans right now.

I'm sorry that I've disappeared. It is crazy how busy things are right now. Another hindsight revelation... I wish that I had enjoyed the 'life vacation' that I took for 18 months while my W was away. It was a good opportunity to just let my mind rest and I didn't use it.

Anyway, I do want to reply to everything that everyone has posted, and I will. I just can't right now.

Everything is going really well with W. The best that it's been in a couple of months actually.

Thanks for everyone's support. Be back soon!


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: BC39] #2333045
03/26/13 04:44 PM
03/26/13 04:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 169
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BC39 Offline
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Had to change my name for privacy reasons.

Still on here daily but haven't updated my sitch. Always seem to have a hard time explaining things, so I figured I'd just start typing and see where it takes me...this may be all over the place so I apologize ahead of time.
All in all things have been going really well. In fact if you told me when our sitch/BD started in May that we'd be where we are now, I never would have believed it. I am so grateful to have another chance with the love of my life.
Saying that, I still struggle a lot. Not knowing what the future holds is something I have a hard time dealing with. We still haven't had a R talk since October. (We started piecing in June, but I found out in October that she still had "just friendly" contact with OM. When I found out I basically dropped the rope and she instantly had a change of heart and said she was committed to our M 100% . She wrote me a letter you can see in my first thread).
Although all her actions point to her still feeling the same way she felt when she wrote the letter, its been 6 months since then and I still feel like I want her to tell me. To confirm her actions.
I been tempted just to ask her but I guess I'm scared. I'm scared she told me everything I wanted to hear in the heat of the moment of me dropping the rope and that she may still not feel that way and just isnt telling me.
She told me so many hurtful things during BD in May (ILYBINILWY, hadn't been attracted to me in a long time, had 1 foot out the door, etc) and it still makes me second guess everything.
Although it has slowly seemed to get better, the trust still isn't 100% back. I've checked the phone bills a couple times over the last couple months and as soon as I open them up my stomach starts to go in knots.
I know all of this stuff is going to take time, but I'd be lying if I didn't say thoughts of my M don't consume much of my thoughts.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week, for the first time in a long time, our sitch kind of came up. W came to me in the morning sobbing after she dropped the kids of at school. She said she saw our family friend that originally exposed her A. (Side note: This family friend saw her kissing OM in his car at the kids school, she then called to tell my sister and my brother. My brother then called my W to tell her she needed to tell me or he would. That started the ball rolling on sitch).
So when W saw this friend when she was dropping kids she started thinking about "what if our kids find out what she did". She said she didn't want to talk about it but she just wanted to tell me why she was upset. I validated and told her I'm here if she wants to talk about it.
To be honest it was nice to hear her feelings of guilt. I know that's sounds bad, but she never expressed that much guilt to me and the only time she apologized for A was during MC when she was kind of put on the spot. I was hoping this guilt, or whatever it was, would bring her closer to me, but it didn't really seem to.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex has been pretty limited the last few weeks. Whenever this happens I find the many of the negative thoughts mentioned above ^^^^ building up. She denied many of my advances over this time but I've tried to remain compassionate and understanding. I finally asked her about it last night (after getting rejected again). She said she just hasn't been feeling sexual lately. She believes its from stress related to starting her new business and its potential impact on our finances and us.
I'm obviously understanding to this but I have a hard time wondering if anything else is bothering her. She said there isn't so I have to leave it at that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry for the long post. I don't want to seem overly negative, I tend to come on here to vent smile


M-38
W-32
D7, S4
M-10
BD-May '12
S for 1 month-June '12
Reconcile, Piecing
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: BC39] #2333046
03/26/13 04:46 PM
03/26/13 04:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 169
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BC39 Offline
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sh!t, sorry I meant to post this on my thread frown


M-38
W-32
D7, S4
M-10
BD-May '12
S for 1 month-June '12
Reconcile, Piecing
Re: Piecing - Round 2 [Re: BC39] #2335966
04/05/13 02:13 AM
04/05/13 02:13 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
D
Denver_2010 Offline OP
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Denver_2010  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Colorado
Uggg... after a very good, but very busy, few weeks, I am stumbling right now.

I still want to respond to so many of the posts on this thread as well as the one in newcomers that I posted 'in hindsight', I simply don't have the energy right now.

W and I were getting along great all through March. Just a very, very good month. She had a singing gig in Charlotte and I went with her. Good trip. I had a minor medical procedure the next week, she took care of me. Prior to that part, she and I really being close, emotionally, physically, everything.

So... earlier this week... a few days after my medical procedure. Issue comes up with step son. I discipline him for being disrespectful. I probably overreacted and responded too quickly without taking a breath and a minute to cool off. Nothing bad, just took away internet for the night and it is his spring break. W disagreed with me and essentially forced me to change my decision. She did not talk to me about her disagreement rationally, so it turned into an argument where I ended up just changing my decision on the internet for SS.

I felt undermined. I withdrew and just went to bed. W and I have not really spoken for three days. Now she's on her way to another gig in Arkansas for the weekend.

I get sick of always being the one who says that the argument is simply not worth it and just apologizing for the sake of getting things straight and preserving the marriage. I feel that i am always the one who does that. W sits back and waits for it.

At what point to I draw the line??

I know that I'm being a baby about this. I know that I'm being a typical male by withdrawing. But F*&K!

Very frustrated right now.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
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