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lavica #2313483 01/10/13 04:50 AM
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Have you considered that he was actually sexually assaulted and outside the expertise of this forum. And YES, it can happen to men. Not a lot, but it does happen. I mean if this happened to a woman by a man, there is no question most here would be looking to call the authorities. Not to mention the social stigma attached with this type of assault. Judging from what he said, she was the aggressor.

I don't think Shirley Glass would be appropriate in that situation because it's not an affair or one night stand. It's a criminal assault.

If I would were I would try to get to the bottom of this because if it was a sexual assault, he's going to need a whole lot of compassion as well as professional advice. I'm sure you pulling away would be even more hurtful.

Once you established what happened - he was either a willing participant and was dishonest to you or was a victim then you can know how to proceed. I wish you luck.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier #2314374 01/13/13 01:35 PM
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It seemed to me and his behaviour looks like he wad sexually assaulted,but his penis reacted and this is why i can think about that like he wad s.assaulted.i friends friend is a therapis said that is possible that someone could be in kind of shock when he was sex.suprised by someone he knew and didnt plan it.I try to understand this situation but i cant understand why he didnt stop the intercourseafter first shock passed,he can explain this:(its frustrat,and sometimes i want to kick ass this ow altgough it not my style

lavica #2314504 01/14/13 01:18 AM
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I don't know whether it is a "criminal assault" or whether she seduced him/ took advantage of him/ etc. it seems that he didn't initiate this and the problem is just that he allowed it to happen, i.e. he didn't object enough. partly because (if we accept his story at face value) he was taken by surprise.

but what was, was. the question now is: was this a one-time mistake and is he taking steps to make sure that it doesn't happen again? has he made it clear to this woman that he wants nothing more to do with her? there are additional things that each of you can do to make sure this does not happen again - and that is what is important. we cannot change the past, but we can change the present and the future.

again, see specific recommendations in "Not Just Friends" and "Divorce Remedy".


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It happend only once.he tries to do everything to make me happy to earn my trust.after that night he decided not to go to the office there again,he deleted her phone number,he doesng want to see her,he shows me all his calls etc.i didn even ask for all this

lavica #2314701 01/14/13 08:04 PM
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The problem is that i think i wont ever trust him like i did before,and he is not a charming prince in my eyes anymore who was always there for me.i would put my hand in a fire that he could not do this but i was so wrong after so many years together

lavica #2314793 01/15/13 12:21 AM
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don't make long-term decisions based on how you feel now. right now it is hard to battle the emotions; let them just go over you like a wave at the ocean, and remind yourself that gradually these emotions will decrease (if you allow them to - don't do things that increase resentment).

and if your husband is remorseful and trying to make you feel better, don't push him away or make him feel that his efforts are for nothing. you can tell him that you appreciate his efforts but right now it is hard for you to not feel emotional; and you hope that gradually you will be able to rebuild your relationship as the emotions will gradually subside.

did you read the chapter about infidelity in "Divorce Remedy"?


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Originally Posted By: too trusting
I don't know whether it is a "criminal assault" or whether she seduced him/ took advantage of him/ etc. it seems that he didn't initiate this and the problem is just that he allowed it to happen, i.e. he didn't object enough. partly because (if we accept his story at face value) he was taken by surprise.

but what was, was. the question now is: was this a one-time mistake and is he taking steps to make sure that it doesn't happen again? has he made it clear to this woman that he wants nothing more to do with her? there are additional things that each of you can do to make sure this does not happen again - and that is what is important. we cannot change the past, but we can change the present and the future.

again, see specific recommendations in "Not Just Friends" and "Divorce Remedy".


I think we are glossing over a HUGE issue here. It seems that both you and the OP seem to want to dismiss this idea because "he went along with it"

Well, guess what. No everyone has the same reaction to these situations. Him "going along with it" might have been his body/mind reaction to the assualt. I mean how many times have women who've been the victim of such assualt "go along with it" and almost no one questions why they did it. Him "allowing it to happen." isn't a problem unless you determine that is actually the case. You can't just assume that he was a willing, active participant because it happened and he's a guy.

I've done research on female to male sexual assault. A lot of guys in that situation just "allow it to happen" But that doesn't make it any less of a criminal act.

And if it was an assault then DB and Not just friends DO NOT APPLY.

The first step is to determine if it was an assault or just a sex thing, as i see it.
Once you decide that then you can decide how to proceed.

Because if you treat it like an affair but it was an assault, it will only make the guy feel 10X worse and possible create lasting damage. Like the trust thing, you say you can't trust him. But if he was assaulted, it's not a trust issue. That'd be like someone getting mugged and you saying to them, "I don't trust you to carry $$ around in your wallet."

But if it was an affair, then DB and Not just friends apply here and can help the women work through some issues. Only if he either admits that he was a willing participant and it was an one-night stand.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Harrier #2314960 01/15/13 04:35 PM
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I have to buy a book DB,i dont have it.
To Harrier..I dont know what to say,think He said that he doesnt know why he did it,that he didnt think about anything and if he had thought this wouldnt happen.he doesnt remember details when i asked about them,like how she undressed herself,put his pants down,put condom,where he put his hands etc...he didnt kiss her,they just did it .i feel sorry for him but im also angry because we are both now a mess

lavica #2314961 01/15/13 04:44 PM
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Im angry because he didn drive home while he was talking to her on the phone,he changed direction like she said and stopped the car,but didnt stop her during the game.i try to put myself in his shoes,but i dont understand.he is a strong man with a lot of confidence.i cant belive he felt to her trick

lavica #2314977 01/15/13 05:46 PM
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All I am suggesting is that I think he needs to talk with a mental health professional or clergy. ASAP. I think you do as well and maybe one together to work through this. Get it sorted out first and foremost.

My only advice to you, is do not treat is as an affair instantly just because of the odd circumstances surrounding what happend. It may be he's lying to you on this and I'm wrong. Then in that case DB provides some great tools,

But DB is not appropriate in a situation where there was a criminal assault.

I understand the anger, and feel it's pretty normal. He may have made some mistakes that day, but that doesn't excuse what happened if she acted upon him without his consent. I'm sure he's also plenty mad at himself.


Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.
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