I've been married for 13 yrs, we are together since highschool. I was proud on our relationship. Few months ago he had one night stand . He was driving home from work ,he had a drink with collegues and they were making jokes about sex, and a woman who he knows from work (they had very little contacts with one another) called him on the phone and said that she is driving behind him and asked him something about previous jokes(like guys are not intrested for actions..) and told him to stop his car to show him something .He said that he didnt plan anything,he didnt thought that she planed something but she did.She jumped into his car with a condome in her hand and began to undress him.They had sex for 3 minutes.He was in shock after that he felt sick,he puked,he cried,he cant sleep... etc...I found out the next day ,she texted him I saw it. I was mad,I cant understand why he did it,how he could do this to us .Now he hates himself , he doesnt want to think about it because it makes him sick, he said it was an awful experience although his penis didn think that He is depressed,he's ashamed, he doesnt know why he did it, why he hasnt stopped her ,he wants to find an answer beacuse of me,us so that we could move on,but he doesnt want to lie me, He told me everything,showed me a place where it happend(i wanted to know), he deleted all contacts,he didnt want to go on his work .....Sometimes He looks to me Like he was raped :-p . I dont know how he doesnt know why he did it,why he didnt stop her game,it looks like he has lost/blocked his memory.He always condemned those who had affairs. I dont know what to think.... We have good days and bad days when I want to kill him because he hurted me. We are trying to save our relationship but i cant understand why..???? Is it possible that he doesnt know why ???
I still have feelings for him,but i dont love him like i loved him before. I want from him to get me to fall in love with him again,I want back some old feelings,I miss old us in a way,but I know I will never trust him again like I trusted him before.How to delete pictures and questions in my head,how to move on.
Lavica, this sounds like a one-time event, and while you certainly feel betrayed, it is definitely possible to move past it. it sounds like he didn't search her out, but she took advantage of him.
I recommend that you read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. it will give you tools for dealing with this, especially since your husband is sorry and remorseful about it. you might want to have him read it too, but you read it first.
good luck and let us know if you need further help or encouragement!
Thanx for your advice.I read a book but i didnt find a case like ours. I belive him but I dont understand why he didnt stop her game.If I ask something about it he looks like someon died. I told him that I could forgive him if he stopped the game after he sat on him( I belive we would make jokes about that like we always could when something unusual happend,we always talked) but he played until the end and I cant understand this. I have problem to delet this images out of my head
I'm glad you read "a book" but you need to read *that* book. it is called "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. you might even find it in the library, and if not you can get it from a bookstore. it is specifically about affairs, especially in the workplace, and about how sometimes they "just happen" but the situation can be fixed later. she talks about what can cause affairs (not really anyone's fault, except in this case the fault of the coworker who took advantage of your husband) and what you and your husband can each do afterwards to not only *fix* things but also to prevent anything similar from happening in the future, and how to help yourself stop thinking about it. now all this repair is a lot of work and takes time but it is worth it. you and your husband can put this behind you and have an even better marriage than you did before. read "Not Just Friends" and then you will see what I mean.
I read that book "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass and I didnt find the case like ours.He didnt talk to her about his problems,need etc they talked to each other in group with other coworkes and that was it. She obviously finds him attractive,he never thought abot her that way,he feels sick when he thinks about it,her and when he tries to find the answer why he did it. I want to forgive but I dont know how to forget.i think about us,how we had a great time together,a nd we have it now,but these days although we have good days, in my mind and heart is a dark cloud,Im not completly happy,because I dont understand why he put this dark cloud on our relationship.We are both unhappy and for what ??? And the b.... is having fun outside,no worries ,no regrets
very good that you read the book. actually there are examples there of a one-night stand. and even though a one-night stand can also be a hurtful betrayal, you can remind yourself that it just happened once, your husband didn't initiate it, and basically she took advantage of him. you said it before, it was like he was raped (and yes that can happen even to men). your husband is remorseful and wants to repair the damage. so now you both have a job to do. you should read the parts of "Not Just Friends" and also "Divorce Remedy" about recovering from infidelity. it doesn't matter if your case is different from the ones described - actually the cases described in the books are even more difficult to get over because those are examples of longer relationships where the husband really did have feelings for the OW, not like your case where she took advantage of him and it just happened once. a few guidelines: 1) at first you will go through a painful emotional time but this will also pass; 2) use Michelle's "stop sign" technique when you are ready to put it out of your mind; 3) you can forgive even if you can't forget.
also about "forgetting" - it might not seem like it now, but time does heal. as time goes on and you see that your husband is being faithful to you, little by little this bad experience will become fainter. you *will* be able to get over it. read the books, follow the suggestions, and most of all give it time.
as for OW - don't even give her a second thought. you write that she "is having fun outside, no worries, no regrets". what do you care about her? your husband chose *you*. and she is the outsider that he doesn't want. who has the last laugh?
I'm glad that is helpful. you can find the "stop sign" technique in "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis. she calls it "thought stopping". basically, when you feel that you can't get thoughts of OW out of your mind - you imagine a big red stop sign and make yourself stop. then get busy with something else, or think of something else. this is on page 205-206 of "Divorce Remedy". but - you can't do this right at the beginning. at first your emotions are too intense and this method won't work. but after some time has passed, you will find it is possible to do.
also - if you haven't read "Divorce Remedy" yet, read it now. a lot of the things on this forum refer to Michele's book. and pay special attention to the chapter on infidelity, because that is what relates directly to your situation. even if the details of the infidelity are different, the recovery methods are still the same.
