Need help!

[alone]

I have not posted much and in awhile. My husband and I have been back together for over 1 year. I am having a trust issue. I found out on Saturday that when my husband was at a meeting last week for work that the OW was there. He came home on Thursday when I found out about it I confronted him about her being there. He wanted to know how I knew that and I showed him her facebook status showing that she was in the same town as him.
(I know I should not have been looking, but it was one of the things that helped me feel secure when he traveled, is to spy her facebook.) After that he admitted that she was there. He stated that she was there at the meeting to hang out with friends that were at the meeting. (She lives in San Diego)
He said that the group of them had drinks together and that she had just come from Vegas. I asked if he knew she was going to be there and he said no. It really bothers me that he had drinks with them and her and that he talked with her. We talked that he was supposed to go to this meeting in San Diego earlier in the month but did not because he thought she would be there and that I could check with his secretary about him getting out of that meeting.

We talked and he said that he loved me and that he was committed to our marriage. I told him that he needed to be honest about running in to her for our marriage and that when he was not that I feel distrustful and hurt finding out about it. He said that he did not want to hurt me by telling me she was there.

How do I ever get back to trusting, I feel like this has put us so far back and I how do I know that I can trust what he is saying. I want to believe but I don't, I feel that I need proof. Is that wrong of me? Am I supposed to look at how far that we have come and since he says nothing happened leave it at that and suck it up. Even though I am totally upset. I do not want to undo everything that we have done, if this is exactly what he says it was.

I just do not know what to do?

[Starsky309]

Alone,

It would help if we knew more about what (if any) no-contact and transparency arrangements were agreed upon by the two of you?

I always advise betrayed spouses to head into any reconciliation ("Piecing") phase with a firm, mutually-agreed-upon no-contact/transparency plan in place, and also with an internal (not communicated to their formerly-wayward spouse) benchmark of "How many 'strikes' am I willing to put up with in terms of re-contact with the OM/OW? One, but only if it's self-confessed? One even if I have to find out about it and they only come clean when confronted? Two? More than two?"

Deciding these things in the quiet of your head and heart, and keeping them hidden there, makes it easier later when the boundary is violated. That way, you're not making a potentially life-changing decision (either too lenient, or too harsh) based on the heat of your emotions at the moment.


Starsky

[angel61]

If you can do as Starsky advises, that would be great. But sometimes, its still on a case to case basis.

This happened to me lately - a convention, and I also did spy and knew that ex-OW was coming to attend (she lives in another country). I waited for H to mention it tome, but he never did.

I tried to calm myself by telling myself to trust, forgive, etc. but couldn't help it, I kept asking H questions like "Who will you have dinner with in Chicago?" etc, that he finally asked me what I was trying to find out. He sort of got sore at me, saying that did I think he will be "rendezvousing" with OW? he pointed out that yes, she was coming, but probably with her fiance, and that I should not think of her anymore as she is out of the picture and that he does not care what she does, and was not planning to see her at all. He also mentioned to me a while back that he does not want me to be "hurt" thats why he doesn't want to talk about it.

I told him the same thing as you - that its not that I he can't talk to OW aty all (especially since she actually works as a consultant for their company) but that I would prefer it if he could treat the whole thing like she was an acquaintance and be able to mention it to me. That I will not be "hurt" if he tells me.

One thing I realized...its actually them who get "hurt" talking about OW. I guess it brings up bad memories and frustrations.

I sort of equate it with them not beng fully over it yet...the wound is too raw. Doesn't mean they are not working on the M...because I can see my H doing it, and I'm sure yours is too.

Anyway, to go on...OW and her fiance went to our city after the convention, and called up H so he could meet her fiance and also to ask for advice about going to Yosemite, Vegas etc. (she's n ot from the US). H called me and told me all about it. I responded very cheerfully,showing him that it no longer bothered me, and finally, we were able to talk about ex OW like any other acquaintance. That felt good!

I still have to wait for the time though that I can ask him about everything....not now

H