I don't understand the situational ethics comment.
Do you want to go to coffee with him?
I think it refers to how I see privacy when we were married and that I would look at his phone or open his mail( nothing personal, but statements or whatever). He hated that and me? I couldn't care less if he went through my stuff. So I think he is either alluding to that or the fact that I was in the bathroom a long time at his place and looked in the medicine cabinet. I didn't take anything lol! But he is equating the two.
No, I don't want to go for coffee, because as of yesterday we just started communicating by email about our marriage in the past, what he felt and I said what I felt and it was enlightening for sure.
I am too hurt to see him right now, but maybe once I sort through the emotions I can email him back and say yes or no. I have let my emotions dictate my courses of action and I cannot do that anymore. I do not know what we would say tomorrow but my emotional state is not good enough to deal with i think. We baby stepped forward, even though he is in relationship -and happy ( mentioned many times) but I do not want to jeopardize any forward movement. And if I am changing, which I am because I would have spewed instead of not replying I do not want old ruby to surface in convo.
Hmmm...I just emailed my reply to his texts and said basically
I was not ignoring you I was simply sorting through my emotions to see which were valid and which were reactionary. My valid emotion is please just ask. I realize this is difficult because communication has not been easy for me and every time you would ask I would shut you down, so you would simply stop asking. but it would go a long way if you could ask and I could respond. Maybe we can start fresh in the communication department.
Still not sure about coffee. If he responds with ya but you...... Then it is no coffee. If he acknowledges my truth of how I respond usually then maybe
Ruby, I agreed with Labug's advice. I would not make the texts too heavy with emotional stuff. Try to keep things light. That's what my coach would say.
Give yourself all the time you need to sort through your feelings.
Cool . I sent that last one because ignoring is what I would have done in the past. Funnily enough, what I texted to him was true lol! I had to sort through my reactions to find out why I was so hurt.. At the end of it, it is because he snuck off with stuff and didn't say I took it or can i
Just a word of caution and I'm sure you know this, most women like to relate and talk about our emotions. Many men glaze over and become a little hard of hearing when these subjects come up. Neither way is right or wrong, it just is what it is.
I don't know your H but you do. What do you think is happening in your his head when you start the emotions talk?
You've probably heard this around here: You can't talk your way out of something you acted your way into. Men are typically action-oriented.
It might be better to sort through your emotions and then simply act based on your conclusions rather than share all that with him.
Just something to think about.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
"I was not ignoring you I was simply sorting through my emotions to see which were valid and which were reactionary. My valid emotion is please just ask. I realize this is difficult because communication has not been easy for me and every time you would ask I would shut you down, so you would simply stop asking. but it would go a long way if you could ask and I could respond. Maybe we can start fresh in the communication department."
What I am saying.. and what the other posters are trying to get you to "see" is that you are responding to the situation. Just as you have done in the past. Trying to start over communicating and asking him if he can.. is again just more of the same. DB'ing is about pulling yourself out of the stitch. I used to say use "No Emotion". You don't have to text him if you don't want to. Even if it was something that you did in the past (ignoring him). At this point everything you say/do/send should be thought out. There is no time constraint for you to respond. Think about it this way.. imagine that someone walking down the street handed you a piece of paper with his text/email on it. How would you respond? Would you include your personal thoughts in your response?
"13..... I am NOT twirling hair or giggling....have to draw line somewhere j/k"
Well I was more implying that at 13 you really had no idea how the whole relationship thing worked. That is why you sat there giggling and twirling your hair. You also would have not been likely to divulge personal ideas and thoughts. This were also a lot simpler. This is what you have to mimic per-say. Stop talking about how you feel. Treat this like a business arrangement with your cousin 3 times removed!!
DB'ing.. is about you. In becoming a excellent DB'r you up your chances of saving things. Db'ing is not about saving the marriage. It is a wonderful outcome of you doing something different.
This is a walk of you.. and who YOU want to be.
What are you doing to change your life right now?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Plenty to change my life. But help me here. If I have been unwilling to see his side, unwilling to compromise or listen in the past, unwilling to face my own shortcomings and now I am. How is that wrong? H's view that he expressed was that I acted like I never needed him and he didn't matter. Isn't ignoring him more of the same behavior. I do reply on my own time. Actually when I didn't reply to him right away a and only replied with ashort text he got panicky and texted that he wondered if I was still mad or hurt. I texted back " am running". He asked about good communication again and asked about coffee tomorrow and why I did not respond to fb friend requests. I said I would let him know tomorrow about coffee and that while good communication was fine I thought that our private lives should remain just that. Private
He then texted again about how I would find out anything relevant anyway from our circle of mutual friends anyway and that everyone talks to me but he is not getting quite the same reception. I did not answer here because this does not require me to answer.
I am doing a bunch of new activities. I do not make plans with him in mind. But I have always done what I wanted and that was part of our problem in the marriage. He knows I am strong and cAn do this on my own. Most of marriage has been ld. So what am I doing differently by ignoring him and or not seeing him?
While I am not expecting anything from his emails I for the first time got to see how he is thinking and why. That is valuable because I did not get defensive I did not Play the blame game I just validated his responses and tried to explain why I thought I acted that way. This has led to communication that we didn't even have in marriage.
I am protecting myself bug as much I can. Forest I really appreciate your comments and insight. I am going to let this sit look at my response and see where I could change the pattern. I need to get stuff out of my head before I can look at it lol
Ruby, I agreed with Labug's advice. I would not make the texts too heavy with emotional stuff. Try to keep things light. That's what my coach would say.
Give yourself all the time you need to sort through your feelings.
Thanks Tori. Appreciated as always. I would love coffee because an hour with me is an hour less with ow. So not valid thinking and I am going to decline politely tomorrow. This is not the mindset of why for seeing him.
Forest: no coffee, can't be 13 today and probably not tomorrow. We have a fragile start and I will blow it. No good for me, no good for kids and no good for him.
