Down the road when I am still the same. I seriously do not like the person I Had made myself to be. And that has stopped. Working towards being true to myself and others. And will continue to do so. I know it will be a long haul but I am settling in for me!
I just have to preface this with I am not here to fight you or put down your thoughts. I am here to challenge you and give you a different perspective. I have been where you are. I have "won" and then been right back where you are. If you want me to stop posting.. just say the word. This is your thread. I won't be heartbroken or really take any offense at you asking me to leave. But.. while I am here with your permission I am going to challenge you.
Is that clear enough? If you have any questions please ask them.
So..
"He moved awfully quickly And no longer has to deAl with all the emotions that were attached to our relationship."
This is incorrect. He is just dealing with them in a different manner than you. His option is just as non-healthy as yours.
"Truthfully this is the most honest we have ever been with each other and it is good."
Tell me why you think he is being more honest now? Give examples and point out the high points.
"It doesn't fill me with hope or expectation, it is nice to see that he has started looking at his own part in everything as well. I have been looking long and hard at myself and while he will not believe the changes now he may 6,8,10 months"
But you made that statement with the expectation that he would see his part in it. Now you are happy that he did. And then you just kind of said.. "Wait till he sees me down the road!"
Getting the point?
How come I can "See you now"? Clearly.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I love that you challenge me on these things because it gives me a reality check
Why do you say my way of dealing with the emotions are unhealthy? I have not included four long texts between H and I where I laid my sh* t bare, something I have never done before. Took responsibility for my actions in the marriage and did not explain the whys, just apologized and said I could see how it hurt. For me this is the biggest 180 in my life.. No one, not even husband, not even me, had ever looked and been exposed to this. I was horrible, no wonder he left. Don't get me wrong, it takes two, but I see my actions now and they are not who I want to be. I am trying so very hard not to control the switch but I find it creeping in, I am aware of what I am doing and try to smack that down. A lifelong control habit is a hard one to break. I need an AA pin for control freaks anonymous
Honest is right. I was honest, he has not been there yet.
I do get the point. I am further along for me than I have been, but it is a struggle constantly. For instance, we had flirty text and he wants to go for drinks, jokingly he said "drinks and I get to ask questions." I am okay with it, since this marriage has not been a communication festival. He absolutely reiterated he wants to develop friendship and not talk marriage. He said he is in a relationships and happy. My reply? Of course, that is what I had assumed you meant.
I have to see if this will work for me or if my expectations are leading me here. I will go with no expectation and keep talk friendly. He will want to ask questions about our past and how should I answer him? No R TALK. If this does not work for me then I will not do it again. But DB ing can't work unless I see him once in a while ( we live over an hour apart)
do I have the little wait until he sees me down the line? Yep, at this point I do. He has brought up the fact about four times today that some other guy will be lucky to have me. And he will, when I am ready. Eventually I will get to point that everything I do will be for me, but I know I am not quite there yet. It is why I am here lmao! And this is why I have you to kick my a$$
"Why do you say my way of dealing with the emotions are unhealthy?"
Based on the wall of text after that statement.. because you are reacting to something that was "taken away".
Why are you being clear now? He is gone.
Have you not said "this" before to him?
"Honest is right. I was honest, he has not been there yet."
So again.. you react with words and expect he will get it. Yet you have firmly said you two can't talk.
"For instance, we had flirty text and he wants to go for drinks, jokingly he said "drinks and I get to ask questions." I am okay with it, since this marriage has not been a communication festival. He absolutely reiterated he wants to develop friendship and not talk marriage. He said he is in a relationships and happy. My reply? Of course, that is what I had assumed you meant."
See you should have been more flirty back. Let me be clear that I am in no way saying you should continue on the path you are on.
I want you to look at the statement in quotes below and give me your thoughts..
"drinks and I get to ask questions."
Do you understand that he is not willing to have questions from you?
"He will want to ask questions about our past and how should I answer him?"
Treat it like a first date. You are 13 and you just met him.
"And this is why I have you to kick my a$$"
If you think this is me kicking you.. you have no idea what I am capable of.
You both are in the Spin Cycle. It is sad that you think only you are!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Thanks forest, your input is both valuable and appreciated.
Flirty: I was actually more so, but it had to do with past intimacy and I didn't want to post here :p
Actually, aim not yet willing to ask questions at this point that I am not prepared to hear the answers to.
Nope- talking is fraught with minefields at this point for me and I am afraid that I will try to control convo or steer it in a direction or bring up R when clearly he is not at R point at all. He has said this firmly to me and by the way of silence if I sent an email. In one missive he claimed I ambushed him by coming over uninvited and then asking him questions- so he had to lie. Have to unpack that further. Was it my controlling situation and his responding like he does when I exhibit this behaviour? Probably
13..... I am NOT twirling hair or giggling....have to draw line somewhere j/k
But I understand. As to kicking, I am a pretty strong girl...fire away
And taken away? Yeah, my husband and best friend. To to text or pick up phone or send a pic 20,000 times a day, but don't..
It is a grieving process. Some days are good, others not so good.
But now he wants a friendship and is willing to let me drive the train. I am not sure where to go. I haven't let go yet, for sure, but I am a bit farther down the track than I was at the beginning. I am not sure that friends will work, but since we are so far away from each other daily, I would like to be able to have the opportunity to...I don't know what. Show the changes? Sure, isn't that what it is about partially. That S also notices changes? Hard to do if I can never see him. Do I know the changes are for me? Absolutely and I do not think I would have survived this long without the implementation of DB ( as much as I am doing) and the advice and support on this board.
My goal is to be down the road so when we reconcile its good, and when we don't, it's good. F#%^*n long road though
No Bug, I am not which is why I canceled. Legitimately, the movie I am taking kids to see runs late so I said by the time it's done, blah blah.
He was like, oh, you can still call. I said I would definitely if it wasn't too late. It will be.
I offered to pick stuff up in city tomorrow because originally we were meeting on Saturday then he texted back and said he had a dinner. I said I could save him a few bucks in gas and he wouldn't have to come out. He said he wants to pick up a few things anyway. I said do you want rest of wine glasses, I saw a couple were missing. I explained it wasn't snarky just I noticed recently and never liked them anyway. He said actually I took four and I could keep china because he didn't like that( I picked that out lol)
Also he wants his silver serving dish " unless I want to keep it to use this Christmas". He said anything you want to keep? I said no, just blue ugly vase which is his family' s. seriously, everyone hates it except me and he texts back- promise it will go to the kids? What?? No one likes it except me! What am I going to do with it? Sell it? Give it to the guy on the street! Made me mad so I haven't answered until I can be sure of tone....arrgghhh
I also found out he went in my room and took his family jewellery, didn't tell me and then when I asked he said yes.
I replied I was hurt and his text was don't be hurt you were mad and I was afraid you were going to fund a trip to Cuba.
I said I would never do that to you or our daughter. But I am hurt and sad.
He said you have looked through my stuff in the past and when you came to apartment you were in bathroom for long time and I bet you looked in shower and in medicine cabinet and he is equating taking the things from my space when I had asked him not to go up there the same as looking in his shower!!
All I said was I understand.
Now he texts and says if you want to meet for coffe tomorrow I am pretty free and I can't use situational ethics.
I think I will reply that I said I understood, and I do, but it is not for you to say how I feel because of it.
I really want to say, it's not the same thing, arsehole....but in his mind it is...so help me out please with a reply
I talked with H early on when he came to the house when I wasn't here and took some things. The things were of little consequence but I asked that he let me know when he was coming and that would tell me what he was taking.
I don't understand the situational ethics comment.
Do you want to go to coffee with him?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
