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JuneReN #2306575 12/12/12 01:28 PM
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I think it was a reasonable request. I also however, think you need to be prepared for your H to not comply.
As for S16, as sad as it is and as much as it may hurt, I think you need to let him do, what he needs to do. ((( )))


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
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of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
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I am okay with S for sure and it is all good, I just wanted him to be prepared, is all. Now I kn ow why H wants the house all of a sudden...:(

JuneReN #2306588 12/12/12 02:07 PM
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Personally I think the emails are a bit unneeded and somewhat confrontational. On both parts. Hence more of the same thing between you teo. As far as the kids I have to agree they will want to swing between you and H. This is very normal and expected. They have to work this out in their mind also. You just need to be strong and not take it personal. I will have to go back a read the rest of the story but from what I "see" here.. just keep yourself protected (Lawyer) and keep notes/emails to yourself. You would be better served to talk about things face to face with him. If things take a true turn for the worse or he gets nasty.. make sure the L knows.


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


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^^I agree, it's arguing on both sides, just controlled arguing.

If you haven't sent yours don't, I don't think there's anything that needs an answer so there's no need to respond.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2306621 12/12/12 03:37 PM
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Thanks both, the next email was a more emotional one he asked why I couldn't trust or respect him and why there was no intimacy. Without going into reams of words, I opened up completely, took a long hard look and told him the truth. Apologized for my behaviour, explained why I thought i had acted that way, but did not defend my actions.

I basically ended with the fact that I realize I could love need and want a man and share the burden of responsibility has been a bittersweet revelation because it has come at the end of the marriage.

As for emails, we have never been able to communicate face to face very well and there is too much wariness on both sides and much anger on H's. I am not at a place where I believe I cannot be defensive if he attacks in person, so hence the emails, Hopefully this goes towards our understanding of each other and makes the road a little easier.

Sent that last email already Bug lol! But it gave rise to a good one smile

JuneReN #2306645 12/12/12 04:30 PM
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Journal:

I have been truthful with H in the emails, since I really do not think we are ready for a sit down convo. He has a lot of hurt and anger on his side and my DB'ing is not strong enough yet lol! Although if he does bring it up I will validate, nod etc. He says I do not trust or respect him-he is right but I said I am working on it. But what he is seeing as respect is not coming across as that to me, so I told him he must hit me over the head with it.

Example: had discussion with D about options for next year. I thought what if H is right and this is what D would want? I gave her all the options and she chose to stay with me. H was mad because he said I had sat down with her and without him in the convo. I did not see it that way, I said, but now I know what you mean and am happy to share all parenting decisions. I told him I had never done it before simply because he was never here and I have been making the decisions on my own for many years. I said you may have to hit me with a 2x4 and make very clear what you want to discuss as two parents

So am working on letting him vent, giving my side but not justifying my answers defensively (in terms of what he did, only in terms of how I felt and what I could have done differently)

Road is long....

JuneReN #2306708 12/12/12 08:31 PM
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Okay. latest reply from H, the most he has opened up ever:
Again thank you for your honesty. I know how hard it can be.

We came to this marriage wanting something and neither of us provided it. I don't know what to say. There is so much pain. I am going to move forward believing what you have said. I have some peace now. I feel like I may still have a bit of life ahead of me and that feeling has not been there for so very long.
It sounds like a horrible cliche but I hope we can rebuild a friendship in the future. For the children and for ourselves. I want you to be happy. I want you to find that person who can give you everything that I could not. I believe that you will. I can only apologize for not being the person you needed. We did have two beautiful children and that is a very precious gift. My life has felt so cold and empty and without value. I did not do this lightly. I know that I have failed you. I know that I have hurt D and S. I know that I have hurt you. But it would have been worse if we continued.
I am a better person now. I can think again. Feel again. I can breath. I want you to do the same. In time you may find that you love me but not the love you needed to satisfy your life. That will come. And I want you to find it.

As for our physical relationship. I don't think we will agree. You say I never was romantic and pushed and I say you were never receptive and pushed. It's a chicken and an egg argument. And be that built up over years and years.



The point about him leaving was that he had pointed out that the marriage hadn't been good for a long time and hel felt that I was putting the sole responsibility on him. My reply to that was it was his sole decision to leave, but it was both of our responsibility that the marriage was where it was at that point.

Any thoughts? No expectations, my reply was that he is an amazing man and I am sorry for the pain I caused. That I was so glad he could breathe again and in the future, if he saw a still single girl with a streak of blonde, a sassy attitude and more compassion than you realize, you could ask her out because I think you may like her.

And that is where it stays folks.

JuneReN #2306720 12/12/12 09:06 PM
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"We came to this marriage wanting something and neither of us provided it."

And leaving it in the state it is in means you learned nothing and most likely will find yourself doing the same things down the road. Last I checked we all get married because we want that fairy tale life.

"I don't know what to say. There is so much pain."

When you say I don't know.. but then qualify it.. does that not prove that you know? This is an emotional response. To leave, give up and so on. Basically he is saying he is giving up because he is hurt. That implies that he still has no idea how to communicate with anyone.. especially you. Don't take it personal.

"I feel like I may still have a bit of life ahead of me and that feeling has not been there for so very long.
It sounds like a horrible cliche but I hope we can rebuild a friendship in the future."

I am glad he feels free. While forsaking you all together. That is an expected feeling when you give up and have someone new in your life. It is the high.. that comes with starting over. He is still not growing. He is just covering up.

I could do this with the entire email. But there is just noting of substance here. You already knew this stuff. The only way "out" of this is to learn from what you have done. Telling him that he should talk to the cute girl with the streak of blonde does nothing for him. Cause he has seen and is still seeing that same girl the way he has a million times before. [censored] that you are here.. but I cannot stress enough.. that the second you break out of doing this stuff and start getting back to "yourself" will you see a change. You are still just playing the game with him in these emails. Stop. He left. He made a choice.


Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.


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Ruby, I only wanted to say that if you feel that the emails helped you, then you did the right thing.

I think it's good your H opened up to you. He shows he same behaviors of all WAS's--feeling bad about the situation, wishing you the best, wanting to be friends, etc.

The presence of the OW does not help. Sorry this is happening.

Now it's the time to think about the next step in this R. Do you want to be your H's friend? I'm going through a similar dilemma. Do you want to keep hoping your R can be saved and start a new M in the future? It's a decision. And the decision might change.

This email must've been really hard to read.

(((((((((((((((Ruby)))))))))))))))

tori2012 #2306740 12/12/12 11:09 PM
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Super hard to read. For sure bye has made a couple steps and I am glad. Of course Forest I know he hasn't actually looked at stuff. He moved awfully quickly And no longer has to deAl with all the emotions that were attached to our relationship. Truthfully this is the most honest we have ever been with each other and it is good. It doesn't fill me with hope or expectation, it is nice to see that he has started looking at his own part in everything as well. I have been looking long and hard at myself and while he will not believe the changes now he may 6,8,10 months d

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