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#2305773 12/09/12 05:06 AM
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I somehow logged out and could not retrieve any of my info. So, I am back with updates. My last post is as follows:

How do you stop thinking about your WAH/MLCER? With recent info, I am struggling to keep my mind clear. I woke up several times last night with a horrible stomachache from dreams about him. The thoughts and dreams are never good. I'm either thinking about him with OW or all the cruel things he has done. The girls and I never got any money from him. I don't know how he lives with himself. I know...they all just think about themselves, all the money they can spend and fun vacation life they are living. Meanwhile, we're here living reality, worrying about money and living everyday in pain.

I got to tell his Aunt(his deceased mother's sister) about her nephew today. She ran into my parents in the small town where we grew up. She asked my mom about us. Mom wasn't going to give up too much info. So, she called me. I felt obligated to call the Aunt and tell her everything. This woman is one of the sweetest person on this earth. She has a "Mrs. Claus" thing going. She was absolutely devastated to hear her nephew had completely changed into an entirely different person. She said his mom was turning over in her grave and she would be so hurt and disappointed in her son.

She was glad I told her because she had been worrying about us. She has been like everyone else in the family, in shock. I'm still in shock. Everyday I ask myself, "who is this man?" Since I think about him and the situation so much, I am trying to separate my husband from this man. I'm not going to let this man take away 28 years of happiness and love I had with my husband.

I would like to make it thru one day where I'm not worrying, thinking or crying over him. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Well, I kind of wish it on the man with my husbands name and the skanky tramp he's with. I want to stop being hurt, knowing they're together. That he's taking her on trips and buying her things. I want to stop worrying about how I'm going to pay for a lawyer, so my girls and I will have what we need. I feel like I will never be truly happy again. I will spend my life faking happiness for those around me.

Since I made this last post, things just seem to get worse everyday. My daughters are struggling and so am I. I'm waiting for papers to be served. My lawyer believes he is waiting until my OD turns 21 at the end of the month, so he won't have to pay anything for her. Unbelievable. She's in college and that is the age cut off for child support. She is so hurt and mad about this information. I found out thru credit card charges that he will be taking OW to Prague for Christmas. He says he wants a relationship with Ds, but won't stay in town to even try and see them. He sends nasty emails to me about money. He tries to put blame on me for everything. He hasn't given us any money from his past two paychecks (a month). He doesn't email about anything else. Oh, I think he's already in Sweden staying with her until their vacation to Prague.

I dread getting up every morning. I'm just waiting to see what this stranger, who used to be my husband, is going to hit me with each day.
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TJPc #2305861 12/09/12 07:21 PM
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Yesterday was a really bad day. I woke up to a nasty email from H about money. Of course his paycheck is messed up, we won't be getting any money again. I think he's trying to smoke me out. If he doesn't give us money, he probably thinks I'll file for the divorce out of frustration. I refuse. I promised my girls, myself and the man I married that I would not give up on my marriage. Why do I still love this man? Why do I want him in my life? He has been so cruel. He gives us nothing. He walked away from my Ds. He is living with the OW and racking up big credit card bills buying things and taking trips. He is going to Prague with her for Christmas. He said weeks ago he wants a relationship with Ds, but won't stay in town to even try to see them at Christmas. It's so unbelievable. I spend hours crying over this man!!!! Why???? I want to hate him so badly, but I can't.


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TJPc #2306130 12/10/12 09:19 PM
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The weekend wasn't a good one. Putting up Christmas decorations is hard. The girls decided they didn't want anything that reminded them of their Dad out in the house. He had made lots of little decorations he carved out of wood. His stocking isn't hanging on the mantle. His ornaments aren't on the tree. It's so sad.

H is choosing to take OW to Prague instead of trying to have a relationship with our Ds (20&17). They are very hurt by his choices. They haven't spoke to him, which would be emails, in a couple months. He would never call them, just email if he wanted to "talk". He wouldn't even call when he is in town! What is wrong with him?

My H was the best father. He has read "The Night Before Christmas" to our daughters their whole lives, even as older teenagers. It has always been so special for the three of them. What has happened to this man?! We miss the person we knew. We now have a stranger that treats all of us like we don't exist.

He got paid this past Friday. We didn't get any money again. Now it's been a month since we've gotten anything. When I emailed him about it, he had a very nasty response. It really hurt my feelings. I'm just trying to take care of the family he walked out on.

So, the weekend was hard. I'm stuck. I am so sad and depressed. I was going forward, but now I just can't make myself. The sadness is so overwhelming.


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TJPc #2306271 12/11/12 12:10 PM
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Links to your MLC threads of TJP

Any hope?

Key, or not to key

Does it really matter?


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TJPc #2306277 12/11/12 12:20 PM
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I'm sorry the weekend wasn't so hot. I can't blame the girls in not wanting anything set out that reminds them of the father that walked out on them. It's going to be a difficult holiday season, but you and your family can start new traditions if you set your mind to it.

What is wrong w/your h? He's in crisis. The affair is a fantasy and one that doesn't have responsibility. It is about fun and doing all of the things that he felt he hasn't been able to do since he was a child. It's not about you or your children and that's what hurts. It's all about him and what makes him feel good at the moment. Mlc turns them into the exact opposite of what they were pre-crisis.

It's time that you sought the advice of a lawyer and get something in place for funds to be transferred to you from his paycheck. If you don't, you will continue down this path and he will not provide for the family. I'm sorry to say this, but you have to be the one to step up to the plate and take action on this. You can't rely on him to do the right thing. If he can get away w/o paying you anything, he will. Let me repeat this again for you...you can't rely on him to do the right thing. Please take some time and contact a lawyer and discuss your options as soon as possible.

I understand how you feel, but you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue moving forward. The feeling of sadness will wash over you, but you have to let it go once the feeling is gone. You will need to take one step at a time, one second at a time for a while. The first order of business is to contact a lawyer and then make a list of other goals that you need to accomplish before the holidays. Take them one by one and do not try to do all of them at the same time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2306290 12/11/12 01:19 PM
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TJPc,

Do you live in the US?

As Snodderly said, you're going to have to take control of the situation. Yes, it is hard and sad, but your H is spending marital assets on something other than his family and that is definitely your business.

Will write more later.

(((Hugs))) We're here for you.

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Thanks for the advice snodderly and SA. I contacted a lawyer a week ago when H got paid and we got nothing. He says his paycheck was messed up. Whatever. He said it was straightened out on Monday. Did we get any? No. Did I ask him for money, no. My lawyer is filing a petition for legal financial separation. Yes I live in the US. She says we won't get to court until the end of January. I have enough money without using credit cards until march.

My OD who is about to be 21 skyped messaged with her Dad yesterday. She had questions for him. It was a big deal for her to "talk" with him. She asked about the OW. He has never admitted that the affair is still going on. He actually gave her the truth. Says he's already in Sweden. I figured that out all ready. He has been there since the beginning of December. OD asked if he was going to be here Christmas to see her and sister. He said he can't. Why? Because he's already in Sweden. Geesh!! She asked if he would be here for her 21st bday that is 4 days after Christmas. No. Because he's already in Sweden. She asked him if this OW means more to him than she does. After several comments going back and forth, he finally said no. So D said," then come home for me." He says,"I can't". He has shattered her self worth. She believes she is completely disposable.

So, after she told her sister (17) what their Dad said, there were tears all around. It was so terrible. This man is devastating everyone in his path. He is a complete stranger to us. The Dad they had, never missed anything that was important to us and most definitely never missed Christmas and bdays.

I went by myself to the mall to pick up some gifts. It was so difficult. I barely made it out to the car before I burst into tears. I'm trying to be strong, but this unbelievable sadness just overwhelms me at times.


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H found out I took money out of home equity loan. When he stopped giving us any money last month. I was concerned he wasn't going to send any more. I was right, we never got any money. I had no choice to take the money out.

I'm not sorry I did. I don't feel guilty about it either. I have to take care of my daughters. I refuse to have my back against the wall. I have become a lot stronger woman from this. This is definitely not the life I wanted. But, it is the life I've been given. I pray everyday that my H, the one I fell in love with, will come back to me. I can't wait forever without moving forward. I know one day he will wake up from his fantasy life. Maybe it will be when he has started all over with a new family at 45 years old and broke from having to support two families. Maybe he'll wake up and he'll find that his family has moved on without him. Maybe he'll get really lucky and wake up before its too late and he hasn't made any permanents mistakes.

I did sign papers this past Tuesday for a financial legal separation. It has been filed. With the holidays and the courts backed up, it will probably be the end of January before I go to court. Until then, were living on the loan. But, I will have provided my Ds with a nice Christmas.

I feel my attitude changing some days. I still cry. But, I also have a bit more confidence in what I can endure.. I've come to know that whatever can go wrong with all this mess, will.


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When I didn't get any money from H, I had to figure out how to acquire money to support my Ds and myself. I took money out of our home equity loan. Paid for a lawyer with some of the money, rest went in my checking account. H found out after about three weeks. He was PO!, even though he has taken four times as much out of the account at other times. He told me because I took from the account, he is not ever sending another dime. What a jerk. Still wants to be in control. I bet he couldn't believe I would even know to take money from that account. It wasn't what I wanted to do, but I am not letting him withhold money from me being able to take care our Ds. I filed a petition for a financial separation on the 12th. Waiting for him to be served. He's out of the country until after the first of the year. My lawyer may have papers served to him thru his lawyer. I made sure that a request for divorce was NOT included in the petition. I want the money, not the divorce. He has screwed up from the start with his affair. He will be the one to file for divorce. He will have that on his conscious too. I'll know I've been doing everything I can to save our marriage. He can live with the guilt when he comes out of his fantasy life.


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I have submitted at least two more posts. Are they being rejected? I was hoping to get advice. All my submissions were being posted before.


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