DR Chapter 2 - Think Small

[uvision]

My Small Positive Steps in the Journey of a Thousand Miles:

1. W agreed to a date with me - which turned out into an almost 12 hour event which we both thouroughly enjoyed.
2. W has been complementing me on my looks, is attracted to me. Starts to be protective of me, when in public.
3. W is relaxed around me - we joke and laugh constantly
4. W is able to clearly and objectively look at her past relationships and have a sense of closure, knowing they are over and that they were diversions in her journey.
5. W expressed a desire to immediately start individual councelling to help her deal with personal issues.
6. W has learned to respect herself sexually - The meaningless one-night-stands may very well be the thing of the past. She contantly demonstrates how responsible she has become in that regard.
7. W is starting to make our D more of a priority, she misses our D more and is open to spending more time with her on the days that D is with me (something she NEVER did in the past).
8. W has been calling me frequently to chat about everyday matters. She confides in me and has become much more talkative than she used to be in the past.
9. A lot of past guilts and hurts have dissolved. We are able to talk about the past with a sense of relief and understanding that we have forgiven each other.
10. My relationship with W's family has greatly improved. W is not nervous about inviting me to meetings with her family. MIL enjoys my company and shares personal matters, which I had been excluded from in the past.

I hope it helps.

U.

[mockers2]

Compared to the other posts on this thread, my baby steps seem pretty small, but I will post them anyway, because every little bit helps.

1. Several comfortable conversations in last several weeks
2. a kiss on Easter Sunday
3. Tells me that I'm doing a great job with the children and that he's very proud of me for that
4. We have laughed together quite a few times in last several weeks
5. Still confiding in me like he always has (told me about a bad dream he had, his doctor's appointment)
6. Several spontaneous displays of affection
7. Told me that the house looks great (I've really been working on it)


So, there are some of the things I've noticed. Some days it's hard to decide if they are truly baby steps or just H settling into the "let's be amicable through all this" role. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Mockers2

P.S. A summary of my situation: together 11 yrs, married for 5 yrs; separated since 2/03; 2 children less than 3 yrs of age. More info in "Newcomers" under "New here"

[Jamesjohn]

mockers2 -

Compared to the other posts on this thread, my baby steps seem pretty small, but I will post them anyway, because every little bit helps.

I don't believe that there are ANY baby steps that are "too small"! Small changes lead into BIGGER changes! Keep on recognizing them, keep on appreciating them, and keep on posting them!!!

What have you been doing that has helped to make some of these "baby steps" happen?

Don't discount any "baby steps" that you've been making yourself to cause changes in your relationship. I'm sure that you have been doing something different that has helped you to see some progress.

What ARE these things?! Please share them with us!!

[mockers2]

JJ,
Thank you for your comments, and for this thread. It really helps to review and think concretely about the principles. Also, hearing others' ideas often makes a lightbulb go on in my head, just like someone said it would. I am very thankful to have found DR and this board.
Now for a baby step from this AM: H and I met at school to drop off the children. (H worked last night and was running late, so not enough time to come by the house.) After getting the children settled, we said our usual "have a good day" and headed off. I was feeling very low (alot of anger from the day before, and some sadness creeping in), and started to cry when I got into my car. I pulled out my phone to call a friend who is supportive, and before I could dial, it rang. H was calling "to see how last night went." (The kids and I go to that same friend's house every Wed. night if H isn't working - part of keeping myself busy.) We talked about our evenings, and laughed. I guess we talked for almost ten minutes! God knew I really needed a boost!
Things I have been doing that may be making these baby steps possible:
1. acting upbeat
2. trying to be his friend w/no pressure (tough to keep from getting my hopes up - I hide this from him, just not from myself. Not yet fully detatching?)
3. being a good listener - no interrupting, no finishing his sentences, validating his opinions and feelings without giving my own; listening without thinking of what I'll say next
4. trying to appear (and then to really be) serene, calm, confident
5. discussing things calmly without showing the anger (rage, fury sometimes I feel inside (able to do this when H told me about OP - God literally holding me up)

Some things I have stopped doing (they weren't working):
1. pursuing
2. personalizing his behavior
3. trying to convince H that we really have a great marriage compared to others, that we should try to work on things, go to Retrovaille, etc.
4. saying ILY, unless he says it first

These are a few things I've been up to. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks again to everyone who is here sharing a tough time. M

[Jamesjohn]

mockers2 -

I think that the things you listed that you have, and haven't, been doing is great!! You've done a fine job with these!

A lot of these things you listed are easier said than done, but you've been doing them, and it looks like you're getting some good results!!

Keep up the great work, and keep on keepin' on!

[Jamesjohn]

Up we go!!!

[imalright]

Are you getting so wrapped-up in the big picture that you are overlooking some of the small stuff? That's me, I have to be constantly reminded that there has been baby steps because I'm looking to the finish line

Are you failing to recognize some of the small, "baby steps", that are happening? Yes, I try, but it takes someone else to keep pointing them out to me. I always want to be in a hurry.

When something "good" happens, do you often find yourself thinking, "Well, that was nice, but it's not enough, and I want more"? Yes, what is my problem? I should be happy with what I am getting. I'm having that problem right now, big time-HELP! I don't want to say or ask to much and scare H away!

What things happen that may seem insignificant to you at the time, but may actually be a sign that your partner is softening up to you? I realized yesterday that the last time he was over he offered to share a soda with me, In fact he insisted on it even when I said I didn't want anymore. So I gave in and did what he asked. Realized later that maybe he was trying to be intimate? Am I right. H comes and does some weed wacking, took D fishing once. Seems to want to receive hugs and a few kisses. I need help, is this enough are not? Is he ready to hear that I want to work on M?

What will be the very first sign that things are starting to move in the right direction?

What are your thoughts about small changes leading to other changes?

[marc_d]

November 6th I began following Divorce Remedy tools w/o backslides.

1. Called me first day I stopped signing onto AOL at work. wanted to see where I was.
2.Text messaged me wishing me fun over weekend while I was visiting a friend.
3.emailed me asking about my weekend with friend then called me later that night to discuss in more detail.
4.Text messaged me 2 more times that week to let me know she has been sick
5.Text messaged me asking me to go out for lunch with her and wound up spending whole day together.
6.Text messaged me following day to tell me she was gonna be home sick the next day
7.Text messaged me night before thanksgiving to wish me a happy Turkey day and I replied back so she called me later that night.
8.She visited me at my new part/time holiday job with her 2 sisters at the mall. This mall is farther from her house so I hope she came purposley for me.

There has been a few other small things and positive moments 2 other times I saw her this month, once because I had to pick something up and the other was to give her her birthday presents, and one day I signed onto AOL for the first time in a month just to say hi and we had a very busy yet light fun conversation.

Im doing my best to keep her being the first to initiate contact with me, but once in a while I do make a small offer to say hi because Im not at the stage where I think I should go totally black. I want her to miss me.

Im getting impatient and nervous with christmas coming up and 2 months away is valentines day and a week from that is our 8 yr anniversary. Wish me luck everyone.

[marc_d]

Just a quick note. In previous months, especially October there were severl occasions which caused us to see eachother very often and there were more positive signs then but I ended October on a bad note with starting to get depressed and made it visible to her which led to the "I love you but not in love with you" line. Hearing this caused me to find out about Divorce remedy but part of me feels like, I know a big thing has been her independance right now but part of me wants to try seeing her once in a while and taking those moments to apply my new tools and not show signs of depression or question her phone use.

I am so torn as to what to do. I want to be around her so I can show her I can be strong and fun to be with but I also dont want to be pushy. hmm, Im so confused. I know there is a solution, I just wish I had infinite wisdom and knew the answer so I can just do it already! ha ha. Any tips?

[sgctxok]

^