Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Well, I started officially dating after I got my divorce (for those who know me, I've been separated for 2.5 years, so this was not a rebound or anything), but have since run into heart-breaking situation (or roadblock, IMHO).

My ex-gf and I met 4 months ago through church. To say we hit it off right away would be an understatement. We could talk for 4-5 hours everyday without a dull moment, we understood each other, our jokes, our religious philosophies, she and I had all the visual cues that we were attracted to each other, friends commented on how our faces light up when we see each other, etc.

We wanted to do it the right away and be right with God, so we waited till I was officially divorced at the end of October before we started dating. In the meantime, we remained "friends with potential" as we jokingly referred to each other.

So we started dating and it was amazing; we had loads of fun and again, there never was a dull moment. We enjoyed each other's company and respected each other greatly. A week later, however, just as I was sensing that she was keeping me at arm's length and the cold shoulder, she broke up with me, citing that if we got married, she did not want to deal with the stresses of my ex-wife being in the picture. I practiced some DB/DRing and made very minimal contact with her. A week later, we reconciled after we talked about her concern a little more. Since the beginning of our relationship, I reassured her I will try my darnest to protect her and buffer her from the stresses of living a life with an ex. It may not always be the case, but I told her I understood the fear and great dedication needed to date a guy with an ex-wife.

The following week, we celebrated Thanksgiving dinner with my family. A few days after that, I started sensing the same distance from her again. Then she wanted to meet upon Saturday to talk. When we met up, she said that she was still struggling with this and wanted to stay her choice to never date a guy with baggage (apparently she came to this decision after she dated a divorced man 3 years ago). Did that prior decision stop her from her attraction to me, to flirt with me, to want to date me? No! And so it really blew me mind and saddened me intensely that she went with her head rather than her heart. What's going here?

That evening after the break up, I made a conscious decision to maintain contact with her, even though a few hours earlier I had said to her that I would be lying to myself, her and God by being her friend; my feelings for her are deeper than that.

So that night I texted her the following:

"Hey, hope you're doing okay. I just want you to know how much I've enjoyed our relationship, and how much I've learned and that I still love you to bits. Even though we're not together, I'll always be available to race you around a digital racetrack (we enjoyed hitting the arcades), discuss mundane nerd factoids, Trekkie trivia (we're not fans, but loved joking about Trek fans. No offense), the awesomeness of God, and possibly Schnooki and JWOWW (we made fun of them to no end; and Schnooki also became my ex-gf's nickname). Hope you have a good night, S."

She responded 8 minutes later, "Thank you Alamo smile I hope you have a good night too"

I texted my ex-gf another time the next day (Monday) which became a short conversation about her new boss at school and work, with an occasional smiley face by her. She didn't not ask about me or anything, though. In one of her last messages that day, she said, "Ya, I still have my job so thats a good start for me :)" And I decided to chance it and threw out a compliment (and I meant every word of it), "Indeed! I'm happy He keeps us blessed with work. And it would be an absolute crime if your school, for some insane reason, decided not to keep one of its best, most hardworking and dedicated teachers I know."

She responded "Thank you, that is kind of you to say"

So the million dollar question is: is it "safe" to actively (but cautiously) pursue her? Besides the very occasional texts, I'm hoping to drop by her workplace and leave some origami cats (she's a cat person) on her car with a funny note (because we love to joke). I'm not sure if she'll see that as stalking or as something subtlely romantic. And then there's Xmas and Valentine's....

Anyway, how can she completely turn off her feelings just like that, or is it? How did, as a woman, her head won over her heart? Aside from this, I truly believe we could've made an amazing couple. For those familiar with my situation, meeting S was truly God-sent. That's why I made the choice to keep wooing her.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
Hi,
I've dipped my toe in the dating waters and am friends with several divorced people. So, I'm no expert but maybe can offer a few thoughts.

Is this your first relationship after your separation/divorce? If so, your gf may be nervous about being your rebound. I get that you aren't bouncing straight from your ex-wife to her...but she still may be worried that your head is clouded or you don't know what you want yet.

I'd give her some space (omg, isn't it insane to start thinking you have to DB again? :-) ) One of my happiest married friends dated her second husband three times before they finally decided to get engaged. If she's right for you, she'll come back (and potentially with renewed commitment towards you)

I'd also keep in mind that if you found her pretty easily and made a strong connection, you are likely going to find someone else if she doesn't work out. You sound like you handled this new relationship really well and are able to love in a healthy way. If there's something she isn't feeling for you or isn't attracted to, better to figure it out now and move on. Your heart will heal much faster from this than it did from your marriage.

Like I said, I'm no expert...but those are my thoughts. Hopefully finding her shows you that you can find love again!


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,049
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,049
I posted this on your other thread:

Alamo,

The reasons she is telling she does not want to see you .....are not important in the big picture here.

She has broken it off with you...twice in a month. She is trying to be nice.

You are pursuing her and my opinion is....if I broke it off with a guy for whatever reason..and he came to my work to leave origami cats on my car....it would kinda freak me out.

You need to back off. Plus...you were only dating a month and your saying "I love you" To much, to fast, to soon.

Stop pursing her...her follow up text in your own words "she did not ask about me or anything"

I know it is difficult but you must step back.
_________________________


M:47
M:18
D16, S19
1st S 1/08-5/08
Reconciled/May 7, 2008
Left again Nov 9, 2009
I Filed: Nov 17, 2009
Final: April 14, 2010
EX walked away from kids too



Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 674
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 674
Agreed ^^^^^^^^^ back off, time to find another lady that rocks your boat.


You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 613
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 613
Agree with Sandy


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

Turn your trials into your testimonies

Don't believe everything you think

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: alamo76

So that night I texted her the following:


That's too much pursuit IMO. I think you need to pull back and let her drive the contact.

Quote:
She responded 8 minutes later, "Thank you Alamo smile I hope you have a good night too"


Sounds pretty much like a polite, non-committal response. I wouldn't read anything into it.

Quote:
So the million dollar question is: is it "safe" to actively (but cautiously) pursue her?


Well this IS the DB board, so I'm sure you're not expecting us to say "yes" to that question smile

Quote:
I'm hoping to drop by her workplace and leave some origami cats (she's a cat person) on her car with a funny note (because we love to joke). I'm not sure if she'll see that as stalking or as something subtlely romantic.


Oh wow, I don't see how she could interpret that as anything but stalkerish. Definitely do not do that. Ex boyfriend stops by and leaves paper cats and a note on car, that's scary stuff.

Quote:
Anyway, how can she completely turn off her feelings just like that, or is it?


If she really had feelings then she probably didn't just turn them off. But the only way she'll resolve those feelings is if you leave her alone to do it. Time to detach and GAL.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Thanks folks. It truly stings because she really did rock my world. If she didn't see the same picture than I must've gravely misinterpreted her actions/feelings/words. IMHO, we were spot -on except for her fear of the unknown, which is my ex-wife. That IS the issue.

I was hoping that she could realize that all relationships require risk-taking and quite a bit of faith (in our God and each other). Dating a guy without baggage doesn't guarantee that at all.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
A
alamo76 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 903
Also, I do have a question about no-contact. Depending on the person, couldn't it be seen as (a) Wow, s/he is really okay and moving without me. Maybe I was wrong and should check up on him/her, or (b) Wow, I guess s/he didn't truly mean what they said about his/her feelings for me. Now s/he is just giving me an attitude and the cold shoulder. Screw him/her.

What say you?


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Let it go and stop trying to control or understand things that are not within your power. Re-read the 37 steps.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 299
She goes to your church, right? I'd treat her as a friend and have no expectations. If she ends up interested again, you will know.

She broke up with you...so she expects and wants you to leave her alone at this point.


M 44, H 46
D11, D9, D5
Married 12 years
PA confirmed 9/2011
I filed 3/2012
H moved out 7/2012
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard