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alamo76 Offline OP
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Thank you for your response, valeska!

Originally Posted By: Valeska19


When in reality - it's just how we should love people in general. It's about reaching across the table and understanding how another person feels and learning to respect their feelings.


So when do we reach across the table, literally and metaphorically?

Originally Posted By: Valeska19

Because she already knows you care... and if she doesn't.. you keep showing her not by texts, but through patience, compassion, kindness.. (remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).


The love-related words in 1 Cor 13 were written as active verbs. It means we proactively practice those attributes, not just live by them internally. To wit...

Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Do you best to love as Christ loves...


Jesus didn't sit around practicing love. He demonstrated them too. Just like how I love my son - I'm proactively patient and bearing and kind and such with him. I don't watch him from afar, hoping that he'll pick up what my intentions are. Also, that homeless dude at the traffic light stop will never know that I love him if I don't actually get off my butt to do something about it. Christ held back sometimes, yet sometimes cross (uncomfortable/taboo/non-PC) boundaries to show what love should be like.

Originally Posted By: Valeska19
If you love her well (and I don't mean pursue the crap out of her) she may not understand that. There are all kinds of love - and there are times when people just don't like the love we are giving.


I'm not planning on giving out my heart so quickly if she came back. In the meantime, I'm trying to be friendly. When we met 4 months ago, we texted more than 1000 messages in 2 weeks and racked up more than 40 hours talk time within that same amount of time. So when I say I'm planning/hoping to text her once every week or two, it's quite a cutback from what she and I are used to. Please see my response to SunFunOne for more of this thought process.

Here

Originally Posted By: Valeska19

Because lets just say that she does believe you don't care because you didn't want to "Fight" for her.

If you respected her wishes for space or whatever, then it's on her!

You wanting to hold yourself responsible for her feelings and trying to make sure she doesn't get those feelings is a codependent behavior. It's called caretaking.


Or maybe, as a lot of people tell me, as an engineer, I tend to over-analyze things. Sometimes it's not very practical, sometimes it helps me see/consider multiple perspectives. Because honestly, there are 2 ways (at least) that my ex-gf can look at my going dark, correct? I'm trying to strike that balance and cover the bases. It's quite possible that the reason why DB/DR (in getting our spouses back) works for some and not others doesn't mean DB/DR doesn't work, it's our spouses. They are the variable and because we know them best, so perhaps we need to tweak the general rules to fit our respective situations.

Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Fear of what? Only you can say.

But whilst there is fear in your heart, it is very difficult to love.


It's interesting to brought this up, because I walked into this with a clear conscience and open heart. I think I trusted in her too much, that she wanted the same things I wanted. Yes, we felt the same emotionally about each other, but I may have been too unorthodox for her. By this I mean that my 2.5 years of changes and improvements had made me a man she wasn't used to seeing. She was used to how a "generic" man might respond, behave. Perhaps that's how I came on too strongly for her.

All said, it is my hope that she (or someone else) can appreciate me for who I am. Aside from her cold feet/fear of commitment, S was nigh perfect, more so than every woman I've ever known. Many times during the relationship I had to slap myself and wonder if it was true. And no I wasn't blinded by love. I was guarded, but many times I was floored by how well she understood me and me her. We literally balanced each other out, but yet there was never a dull moment. Sigh.


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Alamo,

I really think you need to step back from all of it for a bit. You are very defensive of your relationship and the intensity of it and who texted who first, how many texts etc as you demonstrate to the rest of us how very important this woman was to you. We don't, for one minute, underestimate its importance and I don't think anyone means to devalue your feelings. But obviously this woman filled a deep need in you. And I get that. I think we all felt that after our spouses left. But I think you wanted it so badly and felt it so intensely that you gave her almost superpower in your mind. You made her out to be "perfect". Like God planted her there for you. The answer to your prayers. Which may have been too intense for her to deal with. No one wants to be put on a pedestal. And God probably DID put her there for you (there are no accidents). But HIS reason was different that what you believed it to be. Why she came into your life is something you will learn in time.

I had a similar situation about 2 years after my ex left. When I least expected it - the perfect man walked into my life. The things he said, the way he looked, the way he made me feel - totally led me to believe that it was meant to be. I fell head over heels for this guy. My heart told me that I loved him. It was PERFECT!!! My feelings were so intense that when he suddenly called it off - I was DEVESTATED! I think I hurt more and cried more in the first 2 days than I had when my husband left me. I think it is because I was using him to help me finish healing. And I could not believe that Mr Perfect could do this to me. I did not think I would recover at first and I was not interested in anyone else - who could compare???

But I got back on the horse (dating) soon after and within 2 months I met Mr Right. Not to be confused with Mr Perfect. Now, with Mr Right - I realized he was not perfect. Which is better because I'm not perfect either. But he was SO right for me. And it was only because I had been with Mr Perfect (who obviously was very flawed now that I look back on him) - that I could realize what a gift I had in Mr Right. Mr Right is kind and caring but also cautious and careful. He took time to get to know me before professing his love and I did the same with him. We built a relationship over time and I can honestly say that he is truly a good friend as well as my lover. I can also tell you that nearly 9 years later - we are still together.

Don't spoil the good memories of your girlfriend by becoming bitter and angry. Don't phone. Don't text. Don't dwell on it. Take time this weekend to do something - anything - but don't give her more energy than she deserves.

Trust me on this. This too shall pass. And when you have let go of your anger and sadness - the right person will find you very attractive and you can find Miss Right!

Good luck

Barb

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Alamo,
I perceive your actions as pursuit. I perceive your intended actions as pursuit bordering on stalking.
In my opinion it doesn’t matter what these actions are in response to.
In my opinion what matters is how she perceives your actions and what drives them in you.

Stop, remove the emotion and dig deep inside yourself, carefully evaluate what is the root cause of your pursuit.

Answer to yourself:

Is it healthy?
Is it altruistic?
What are you expecting?

I seems to me she for whatever reason she wants space and I perceive some of your actions as smothering

Of course I know what opinions smell like. I apologize if the smell is offensive.


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alamo76 Offline OP
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Before I respond to all y'all's posts, I want to let you know what I'm doing:

- I'm not going to drop anything off at her workplace
- I've kept away from communicating with her in any form since Monday
- I will keep my distance

That said, with Christmas upcoming, I was planning on making her a small gift and mailing it to her (or drop it off with her landlord). I'm not the shower-the-girl-with-expensive-and-tons-of-gifts kind of guy, at least post-breakup, though in this case, I think a "Merry Xmas" text would be too generic.


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BAD BAD BAD ALAMO!

Full pursuing. You say she's not even going to your church any more. She wants to be left alone. Let the loneliness of the holidays get to her. Start living your life.

She ended it with you. Not the other way around.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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I don't even know you and your obsession is kind of creeping me out. It is over. She doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't want to "stay in touch". Please stay away, no texting, phone calls or gifts. I don't think you want a restraining order but that is where you are heading if you keep it up.

kat


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If I recall Alamo had an addiction. What you are doing here is very similar dude. Let it go


M 53
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Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
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“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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NO GIFT! Nothing. Nada. STOP!

You are not listening. You are trying to get a reaction from her but trust us all - you are not going to get the reaction you want.

I find it stalking behaviour. She will tell you to knock it off (if you're lucky) or she will press charges.

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Originally Posted By: kat727
I don't even know you and your obsession is kind of creeping me out. It is over. She doesn't want a relationship. She doesn't want to "stay in touch". Please stay away, no texting, phone calls or gifts. I don't think you want a restraining order but that is where you are heading if you keep it up.

kat


Alamo,

You better think long and hard about what kat posted to you. If your XGF puts a restraining order on you, the accusations that your XW made about you during the custody battle become more valid. Are those the patterns that you want to be conveyed to the judge?

Don't doubt for a second that your XW wouldn't come storming back trying to get your son out to SC with her.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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alamo76 Offline OP
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Whoa, whoa...okay, I've opened a can of worms here. This is an open forum, isn't it? That's why I'm here throwing out my ideas and options. If I were actually self-absorbed, I would have gone ahead with my "plans" on my own, and NOT have come here, or seek advice from friends/family (I currently still am).

Well, since I got y'all's attention, maybe you can help answer this:

- How would your ex know that you're still available in the future, if they chose to do so? We assume that they will if they're ready and/or want to, but are we forgetting that there's such a thing as shame or embarrassment? Not everyone in the world has gone through DB/DR, so it's quite possible and natural for your ex (when they've come to their senses) chooses NOT to contact you because they're ashamed of initiating contact with you in the first place. So both of you go on with life, and let a golden opportunity slip you by, no thanks to a simple ego flaw!

- Why are we saying that the standard reaction from the ex would be to pull away if we even try to do SOMETHING? Do psychological/behavioral studies support this unanimously? That's why I brought up in one of my previous posts asking if there's also a difference in reaction between married couples, dating couples, long-term or short-term. And yes, I believe it does matter, which brings me to my next question...

- Are you advising me (or anyone else) no contact, no nothing, because it's just easier to say no? Is this fear-based reasoning? I mean, we are told "Don't drink and drive." The underlying message is if you drink and drive and get in an accident you'll die or kill others. But yet, in certain circumstances it's okay to do so, e.g. drinking a tiny sip of wine, or depending on our alcohol tolerance (that's why we only get in trouble if we fail the breathalyzer test, which also has a certain limit), etc. "No" is to keep us safe, to keep us out of trouble. It's used because it's assumed that we're immature and irresponsible.


M37, S5
M-7y; T-8y
Separated 060410
Wife/son moved 022611
Wife serves d-papers 032011
I filed child custody 042012; obtained custody 070312
Bifurcated 103112
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