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alamo76 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
Let it go. Remember to let go of things that you can't control.


True, though I can control how I want my life to be. And sometimes (just sometimes), if we really want something, we need to take chances and take things into our own hands.


M37, S5
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I hate to say it, but in my experience I was a better dater than a "marrier" (so far!), but maybe the chance to take is to back away and look around at other people to spend time with. Practice conversational skills, practice finding things to do that you are interested in. I hope that someday I am not in your situation, but like everyone here, I guess it is always a possibility. I can't imagine how hard it must be "being back out there." To be ready to be with someone, though, you have to also be ready to be alone.


I'm 33, she's 32.
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Hi,

Just a bit of input here.

This was not a relationship. This was a little fling. Don't give it more importance than that.

You say it was not a rebound but guess again - it WAS a rebound for you. Your first Post D dating experience. And you really really really wanted it to work. But it didn't. For whatever reason. My thought is that you came on WAY too strong, WAY too fast.

But the good news is - you know you can have those loving feelings again (and I'm sure that's what it was not real love so soon). You will have it again - just don't give out your love so easily or so soon. It was not meant to be because it takes 2 people to want it and when one wants out - that's it - that's the end.

You can learn a lot from this experience. You will find someone else and I will bet you will be a bit more cautious. But that's good. Maybe she didn't want you because she knew she had you. People tend to want the things they have to work a bit harder for.

Now back off and stop messaging her. When one person says it's over and the other shows up at their work with origami cats - it is obsessive and could be considered stalking. Don't let that happen.

You may never know WHY. But it really doesn't change things to find out.
Barb

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Hey Gineen,

We both said almost the same thing at the same time. But I said Really 3 times and you only said it twice. I win!

LOL - just being silly.

Sorry, Alamo - but you can see we all agree here

Barb

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Which you already did and she still wants space. You're trying to tell her that she doesn't know what she wants. She made up her mind to leave and she can make up her mind to come back. No amount of pushing is going to get her to come back to you.


M-43 W-40
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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Yeah Alamo - and besides, don't you think you DESERVE a woman who would move heaven and earth to be with you?

She's not the right one for you - I know, it hurts to give up those delicious lovey dovey feelings, but this was an illusion. I wouldn't trust her now even if she DID come back.

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alamo76 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
Hi,

Just a bit of input here.

This was not a relationship. This was a little fling. Don't give it more importance than that.

You say it was not a rebound but guess again - it WAS a rebound for you. Your first Post D dating experience. And you really really really wanted it to work. But it didn't. For whatever reason. My thought is that you came on WAY too strong, WAY too fast.

But the good news is - you know you can have those loving feelings again (and I'm sure that's what it was not real love so soon). You will have it again - just don't give out your love so easily or so soon. It was not meant to be because it takes 2 people to want it and when one wants out - that's it - that's the end.

You can learn a lot from this experience. You will find someone else and I will bet you will be a bit more cautious. But that's good. Maybe she didn't want you because she knew she had you. People tend to want the things they have to work a bit harder for.

Now back off and stop messaging her. When one person says it's over and the other shows up at their work with origami cats - it is obsessive and could be considered stalking. Don't let that happen.

You may never know WHY. But it really doesn't change things to find out.
Barb


I need to clarify that what I wrote about my feelings were/are in response to HER advances. Yes, we had instant chemistry, but I went into it cautious, especially what happened with my separation, child custody and all. From the beginning, I made it clear to her of:

A. My past
B. My priority is my son first. If we became more serious, she'd become more of a priority
C. Keeping my son out of the picture as best as possible and only introducing her to him as our church friend
D. To keep communication open
E. To keep God central to our relationship

It was my ex-gf who coined the term friend with potential, who told her family first about us (before I did), whose family asked about me frequently, who hoped I could meet her siblings and parents. After the first couple of weeks after we met, it was close friends who had to truly convince me that she really did like me. So no, I wasn't the crazy bloodhound, but I'd admit that when I did, we both took off. I would know the difference (I hope) because my ex-wife and I basically fell in love at first sight. So with S, I felt we responded to each other's attraction at a somewhat less frantic pace. Don't forget that we had to wait 3 months before we started dating, so we patiently waited and I had time to evaluate and gauge where we were. She told me she did too.

But, I think at some point after we started dating, she began to have cold feet. Like Bond mentioned, reality hit her. Ultimately, it's what she chose to do with that reality/fear that broke my heart deeply.

Even sadder is that we don't hate each other or have issues with each other. She chose to brood on an external fear or what I call an uncontrollable variable.

Because we're not married, I think there should be a lighter version of the DB/DR rules. I'm not saying that there aren't rules that are constant in all situations, but I also think that because there's relatively way less baggage/history between dating couples, there shouldn't be rules that are so absolute, i.e. no this no that. Instead of merely no talking, no gifts, no nothing, isn't there a balance that can be struck? Things can be healthy in controlled quantities and in moderation, right?

I'm not saying dropping off gifts or fireworks in her name or anything, but what about very occasional (once every two weeks/once a month) non-relationship texts? What about Xmas text?

Is wooing someone post-break up a lost art now?

On the somewhat plus side, I know that we didn't breakup because I screwed up due to a ghastly flaw of mine. We broke up because she was afraid of an unknown variable. Yes, I'm still improving myself and if she comes back, she'll get an even better Alamo.


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I agree, let her go. She knows where to find you if she wants a relationship with you. Now is the time for you to work on you and discover all the amazing things about you!


Me 55
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alamo76 Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Valeska19

And you have only known her for 4 months? Why are you so distraught? Why are you willing to DB her like you did your xw?

Don't tell me you love her... I want you to dig deeper for these answers.. because I think there is some soul searching for you to do.

I see a pattern here between your xw and your xgf... do you?

She is not your xw so you do not have to PROVE to her that you are a different man or that you love her....

.... yet here you are.. trying to prove it to her exactly it

Why? Tell me why this relationship is THAT important to you. What are you afraid of?


I'm not DB/DRing per se in this case, because we're dating and didn't split up with baggage, anger, resentment and the lot, if at all. I used DB/DR as an inspiritation to recover and regroup. But of course, I tend to think, feel and analyize beyond that! I came here to seek advice because even though it's not a divorce/separation, I know I have a family of sorts here.

Like I said before, I told her that I was falling for her (during the first break up), so if that qualifies as being in love, then yes. Needless to say, she was hitting all the right notes with me. I've known many girl friends (not girlfriends) that I clicked really well with and became close, but my ex-gf was all that and a whole other level as well. I really wasn't expecting her to show up in my life; she had been attending church for a month before I suddenly noticed her the Sunday RIGHT after I won custody of my son. When I did notice her and finally started to know her, so turned out to be more than I ever expected. She was not the "kind" of woman I had envisioned myself with, but when she popped into my life....Wow. I really thought God was telling me to take a chance and jump. So I did.

The only thing I see similar between my ex-wife and her is that I seem to find women that don't come back to church after the break up.


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Sorry I wasn't clear.. I'll TRY to explain better.

I guess what I meant to say is that in some ways you are acting like you have been with ex-gf for 8 yrs like you have your w.. but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

It's not that you shouldn't DB her. I think you should. I think we should DB every relationship...

I think at first - the Newcomers see DBing as tactics... or perhaps bettering our chances at getting our spouses back.

When in reality - it's just how we should love people in general. It's about reaching across the table and understanding how another person feels and learning to respect their feelings.

And to look inwards to see how we contribute to those feelings and if there is anything we need to change.

We change what we can
Let go of what we can't
And do our best to know the difference.

You shouldn't send her a text because she doesn't want contact with you in the same way as before. If you say you love her, love her enough to respect her wishes for space.

And if she says that she doesn't want a relationship with you for WHATEVER reason, love her enough to say okay, and let her go.

Right now, YOU initiate contact so YOU can make sure that she knows how much YOU care about her. You think you are loving her by doing this but in fact, your motivated selfishly (see all the "You"s) by your own fear.

Because she already knows you care... and if she doesn't.. you keep showing her not by texts, but through patience, compassion, kindness.. (remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

Alamo - That's all you can do. Do you best to love as Christ loves...

We are not God. We cannot control all situations nor are we supposed to.

If you love her well (and I don't mean pursue the crap out of her) she may not understand that. There are all kinds of love - and there are times when people just don't like the love we are giving.

And that's okay. Although it is important that people know you loved them.. it is not AS important that you love them no matter what...

... no matter if she sees it or not...
... no matter if she believes it to be true or not....
... no matter if she chooses to be with YOU or not...

I chose to love my xw everyday. I do this by not talking sh!t on her, not blaming her for my own faults, or still being kind in the very rare times we have communication....

..and by respecting the fact that she doesn't want contact with me.. and that it would be unloving to not let her try to figure it out on her own.

I do that KNOWING SHE IS NOT COMING BACK. And knowing that she does not see my struggles to take the high road and may never understand or appreciate my love for her.

I don't do it because she deserves or has earned it. I do because I am loved.. and therefore I should love.

See where I'm going here?

Because lets just say that she does believe you don't care because you didn't want to "Fight" for her.

If you respected her wishes for space or whatever, then it's on her!

You wanting to hold yourself responsible for her feelings and trying to make sure she doesn't get those feelings is a codependent behavior. It's called caretaking.

And that's what I was getting to when it comes to patterns. It wasn't about your ex-gf vs. xw... it was about you and how your actions are the same. Still fear motivated.

Fear of what? Only you can say.

But whilst there is fear in your heart, it is very difficult to love.

I hope I explained it a tad better. I'm sorry that you are hurting Alamo..

((( )))


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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