Trying to figure out the 180 on giving my H space. Before all the crap hit the fan and he had the affair, he still did his own thing alot but wanted intimacy with me and more than I did. I could have been better about it but many times when I felt he didnt treat me right I carried a grudge and didn't want to be close.I would see him treating others the way I felt he should treat me. I would walk around angry or with a hangdog look and it sure didn't work.
Last week H was affectionate because he was worried about his health (He said he turns to me because I don't get worried about that like he does and I help him to calm down)that was fine but then to be annoyed over trivial things later when we were hanging out was not loving and I was able to state that calmly. Since I said that I had kept my distance but was pleasant but he gave no affectionate overtures. So I thought maybe he thinks I'm ticked. So my 180 was to just hug him in bed and then he was affectionate and amourous. Maybe he is waiting for my lead sometimes because he's thinking I'm doing the same old behavior. He has never been very affectionate in our marriage like hugging and kissing when he comes home. I really would like that to change. Sometimes when I ask him to do something like take out a garbage bag or put away something he waits and does not do it for awhile or not at all. And if I remind him he just gets bugged and more stubborn. We sure have a long way to go.
May I ask you something? Do you thank him when he does things that you ask of him? Do you give him compliments when he does something right or the way he dresses? If the answer is no, maybe you could try doing some of "thank yous", etc. It would be a 180 for you. Start out simple and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey Snodderly Yes I thank him. He feels that if there is something that has to be done we should not have to thank each other. I like to say please, thankyou, excuse me etc. He doesn't feel it's necessary. I thanked him for mailing a couple letters and he said don't thank me I was going there anyway. That is one of our issues. Being polite. If he can be nice to strangers and friends our family should get the same treatment. He told the counselor the same and he was told that if it gets him points with me why not? He still argued the point that he shouldn't have to do that.
Forgot to add that if he asks for a favor that is not required like picking up something at the store or somthing out of the ordinary then he says that requires a please and thank you.
He really does have some issues. If you are use to saying please, thank you, etc., I would continue doing so. Don't change the way you do things unless you are doing so for YOU.
It's all about control and he's definitely got some control issues going on.
So, what are you doing for yourself these days?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am going to exercise class, working on the house,looking for a job ( I have a little two day job now) And I'm going to start crocheting like I used to. I need to get out and be with people so thats what I need to work on.
Good for you...you've recognized what you need to do for you. You'll feel like a different person once you are out and about w/people.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yea that's the hard part getting myself out there. H not texting me back yesterday for a long time when I reminded him to cancel counseling because he is busy. Then I had to call him about something else and no answer or return call. Says he is busy but he could call me while he is driving. Today same thing an important matter regarding mortgage and no return call. I believe he could at least text or call to let me know he got my message. But nope. So I am going to work out. Wanted to stay away for awhile but son needs to go to a class and I have to be back.
or call and it was about matters that had to be taken care of.
H being distant again. Not speaking much to me even when he is home but wants to go out to breakfast sat morning and then we have his christmas party. Ticks me off. I don't know what's up with him.
Once, back when I was DBing my then H, he was having a particularly cranky day. I went through all the possible causes in my head - was he thinking about OW and wishing he was with her? Did my butt look fat in those jeans? Was the house not clean enough? I spent the WHOLE DAY twisting and turning myself into a pretzel, trying to guess what the problem was and what might turn him around.
And the very end of the day, as we were in bed getting ready to sleep, he shared that he had an itchy rash on his butt that had been bothering him all day!
Sometimes it's NOT about us, or the relationship, or anything else. Sometimes they just have an itchy butt.
