So I did not go to the dance last night. Well, I actually went to the dance it was not really for me at this point in my life. I thought it was going to be different than it was. When I arrived there were about 200 cars in the parking lot and everyone was dressed up really nice. Mostly couples showed up and I did not want to stand around all night looking for someone to dance with (I'm okay with my decision, not a big deal) so I went Christmas shopping and got some decent deals. I hung out with my sister for a couple of hours, then went home and went to sleep.
I am realizing that my W is the one who walked away and is not willing to do the hard work to save herself. I have hurt her (unintentionally) and not been the best husband in the world, but without feed back and her commitment to this marriage we are doomed. Her refusal to look at herself and try to work through her issues will keep her in a bad place. I need to remove my focus on us and put it squarely on me. This will do a couple of things: 1. Give me my self confidence back. I basically gave complete control of my life over to my wife (I think I was just trying to please her and lost control of me) 2. Allow me to heal. Unless I heal I am no good to anyone, most importantly myself (narcissistic?? your darn tooting at least just a tad bit), my children and eventually my relationship with another women (maybe my wife maybe not). 3. Allow me to be the person I want to be, not some incarnation of what my wife or anyone else wants.
With that being said, how to detach and I mean really detach?? I think it is a process that involves many things. Loving support from family and friends. Time to allow the feelings to move through us and eventually out of us. I find having a good friend that is willing to allow us the time to talk about our feelings helps (I know this gets tough hearing the same crap over and over but I really need to release steam or Imma blow lol) this forum is a nice way to journal and get real feedback. Realizing that I did nothing that was bad enough to warrant her leaving like she did, the leaving part is squarely on her shoulders. I am not a bad person, neither is she really. Last moving on with life, this does not mean leaving my wife, but just moving on. She can decide if she wants to be a part of the moving or not. I keep telling myself I cannot control what she does, thinks or says. So far this has not helped but one day it will sink into my actual subconscious thought and I will learn to let go of those uncontrollable things in my life.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Well... just received an invitation for a Christmas party (first one this year, I must have a disease cause all my friends are avoiding me, thats right it's called divorce). Only one problem it's from my best friend, my wife's brother. I texted him a quick yes then realized my W may show up. I had to send a revised text telling him if my W plans on being at the party I will have to decline as I need to heal and that would not be good for me. He answered back that he understood and this is hard on everyone. Now I sit here and cry, this really [censored]. I'm sure to lose my best friend as well.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Labug, your husband is a dumb a$$, cause you rock. Thank you!!!
I'll take that compliment.
But, I was not always this rockin'
Yes, losing family/friends suxx. Sometimes you can maintain a semblance of a R by seeing them one-on-one but that can be awkward, too due to the elephant in the room.
What your BIL said is true, it is awkward fro everyone. That's what I keep reminding myself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I asked that same question about detaching over and over again. One wise vet told me that it is like peeling an onion...that it happens in layers. From my experience, that has been true.
((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Subguy, your posting about how putting the focus on yourself will help you, helped me too. Thank you. Detaching emotionally from someone who pretty much has been with you your whole life, and who you thought would be with you for the rest of your life is one of the hardest things we'll ever encounter. When a spouse dies, it's awful, but at least the survivor knows his or her spouse loved them till the end, and that it's over for good. With these sitchs, it's very different. Our S's are out there, behaving like strangers, and we have no control over anything except for ourselves. ((((((())))))
Tori, I was stationed in Groton CT for a bit, my son was born in New london. I have not been back since 1991, it is beautiful up there.
Well, I am in Tampa for work this week. Today was a rough day for me. While flying down here I realized that my wife and I most likely will never travel on vacation again. We have been on many amazing vacations together. I tried going to the beach and looking for souvenirs but my heart just could not stand being there by myself. I wound up going to a bar and grill right on the beach. I had one beer and two tacos and just relaxed a little. Came back to the hotel room and made it a point to give my brain a chance to relax, yep I took a nap (it was a nice 1/2 hour nap). I spoke with a friend at church and he encouraged me a lot. This guy and I have not spoken much until now. I told him about my sitch and he has really been there for me.
So now as I sit here looking at the lights across the bay (a beautiful view) I am contemplating what I want out of life. What dreams do I want?!?! My dreams have changed over the years due to my wife (not necessarily a bad thing) but they have changed. I am not sure what my dreams are any more. I was 21 when I married my W, a child in all ways. A reinvention of me is in order. I KNOW I want to be completely debt free (including my house), this has been my dream for years. The freedom that represents is huge and life changing. I will sit down after the first of the year and see where I am and where I need to be. I will stay in my current house until my daughter graduates from middle school cause if I move she will have to change schools.
Second thing I did was send a text to my boss asking him to call me cause I want to discuss MY dreams and future with his company. I am currently the service manager and i need to figure out what I want and how to get there. I really appreciate the company I work for but also need to plan for the future.
Third thing is I want to start my own business with rental property. This will be a process as I want to be completely debt free and achieve this goal. I can do this and i am going to start asking for help and guidance (a 180 for me) from people I know who have "done these types of things".
I am starting to see a future without my wife and I don't necessarily like it but have to make it. My stomach still hurts and my heart says to curl up and quit. My brain says to live and be productive. My soul says to serve God and trust in him to have a plan to use my pain for his glory.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
subguy, it's good to figure out where you're going (sounds like you're going to live like no one else, so you can live like no one else)
But with your emotions and the love you have for your W just try to take it day-to-day. I guarantee that in 6 months you will feel very different and 6 months after that even more so.
I'm not saying how you will feel but things will be different and you will be OK.
No decisions have to be made tonight, tomorrow, next week.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
