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#2302597 11/26/12 01:56 PM
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STRAP IN; LONG POST, DESPERATE FOR HELP!

It's been a fairly long time since I clung to this website like a life preserver, checking it every 10 minutes for advice to just keep myself afloat back in 2005 when XW said she wanted out.

For those of you who have followed my story, you know it but for those who haven't, it would take forever to recap.

Here's the latest:

1. I got remarried in 2010 to an absolutely great woman, but XW consistently used my 3 kids alternately as weapons and human shields.

2. She began an affair in 2006(?) with her boss who is an attorney in the law office where she is the office manager. She just moved into his 2.5 million dollar house, and with her went S14.

She declared, due to his newly diagnosed "ADHD", that he would not be able to be with me overnight during the week, due to the "consistency needed" for him to be in one place. She moved him 30 miles away from me, so my visitation went from 2 nights a week overnight to zero, "because she decreed it", completely running roughshod over an approved parenting plan.

3. I am back in court with her to stop alimony b/c of her cohabitation, which is clearly spelled out, and to try and resolve the fact that by moving, she has made it 100x more difficult to be involved with S14, who I "get to see" every other weekend now.

4. HERE'S THE KICKER:

D20 attended a high-priced college (53K a year). I refused to pay more than what I was directed to by the court, b/c I always thought going to this school was not the right thing to do, but D20 INSISTED on going there and XW somehow found the rest of the money to make it happen.

D20 has struggled for years with major eating disorder. As you may recall, she was hospitalized in 2008 for it, just when I returned from Iraq. D20 has always lived with her mother, and basically "tolerated" me and my new wife. Visits were always filled with "digs" and "sarcasm" on D20's part, and I was always glad to see her leave. (Don't judge, b/c some of you may be able to relate)

D20 wanted my old car to take to a summer job at a beach 200 miles away over the summer. I told her she could if she insured it, which she never did.

She did not talk to me for 4 months, because I said "no" to the car.

A month ago, D20 attempted suicide in a horrific manner in her apartment at school and was found by her shocked roommates. She was hospitalized, and then refused to eat again.

My wife and I met with XW and her "companion", who really turned out to be a voice of reason, so I guess I'll never know how XW presented me to him when I was in Iraq.

Here's the bottom line:

XW unilaterally declares "D20 can't come and live with us, when she's released. I need to save the one child remaining (S14). She blew it with D23 and now D20

My wife left the meeting apoplectic, saying "I didn't do anything to make these kids fu...ed up, and now I'm being asked to clean up the mess for her, just because she declares she doesn't want D20 and declares we need to take her?"

D20 is super-manipulative. XW has unilaterally washed her hands of D20, declaring "You will go with your father and his new wife".

I have been set up beyond belief. Don't judge me, because you don't really know D20. I can't have her come and live with me. Period. I am overcome with guilt, even though I didn't do anything wrong, but I won't be pained into a corner by XW.

It will kill my marriage, b/c D20 and XW and D23 are totally enmeshed with each other in a sick way.

How do I firmly state that I cannot allow D20 to live with me?

FLTC #2302661 11/26/12 05:22 PM
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Ok buddy - I'm gonna try to twist your head around here, so get ready.

And believe me, I know whereof I speak - my daughter had anorexia and bulimia when she was 12 and 13, and this last year in college had a serious depressive episode requiring an outpatient psych program.

I'm also an M.D. and believe me, I learned everything you never wanted to know about this stuff when my kid got sick.

So here goes:

1) YOUR DAUGHTER IS SICK WITH A LIFE THREATENING ILLNESS. It's as if she has leukemia or lung cancer. Your ex wife did not cause this to happen. Your daughter did not cause this to happen. There is good evidence that damage to the basal ganglia in the brain, likely from antibodies, is involved in eating disorders and OCD. She has a monkey on her back that is causing intrusive thoughts and you need to partner up WITH her against those intrusive thoughts, rather than blame her for her eating disorder. Some cases, for instance, are caused by strep antibodies - would you feel as angry at your daughter if you knew THAT was the cause? You will need to learn to be angry at the DISEASE, not at HER.

2) Please read a brand new book called Brain on Fire by Cahalan. It's not about eating disorders per se - it's the story of a young journalist who became psychotic due to antibodies against NMDA receptors in her brain. But this is probably just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to autoimmune diseases causing brain disorders. It's a quick read and I think will help you change your perspective.

3) You need to share this stuff with your wife. Your ex did NOT cause the eating disorder, (despite all the1980's psychobabble explanations of eating disorders which are a LOAD of BS), and your current wife is NOT being expected to clean up somebody else's mess. Your current wife is being expected to help support you while you support your daughter who has a life-threatening illness.

4) If you can afford it, start with an inpatient eating disorders program. If not, I have some ideas for you. I'll write more later when I have more time, and I'll get you some more resources. But you have to stop blaming the ex, and stop blaming your daughter, and just deal with this illness. Believe me, I know how unfair it feels.

kml #2302676 11/26/12 06:05 PM
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Other things to consider/ read:

1) Read these two books on OCD - The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing by Rappaport, and Brainlock by Schwarz. Eating disorders are on the same spectrum as OCD and reading these books will help you understand better what you are up against.

2) Nutrition, nutrition, nutrition - in order to heal her brain, you'll have to get proper nutrients back into it. Try contacting the Institute for Functional Medicine to see if they have any practitioners in your area who have experience with eating disorders. A good quality multivitamin with extra B vitamins and 2 capsules of fish oil and 2,000 IU vitamin D at a minimum.

3) Read about lowdosenaltrexone dot org. I do not have experience with it in OCD but has been helpful in some other autoimmune disorders.

4) If your daughter is on anti-depressants, you need to hand them to her every day and see her swallow them. My daughter would get WHACK if she missed a day or two - despite the doctors insisting the half-life was too long for that to happen - and I'm convinced the reason for increased suicides in adolescents on these drugs is because of their inconsistency in taking them.

5) Get your daughter checked thoroughly for strep antibodies, thyroid antibodies, celiac disease, and any other disorders which might run in your family.

kml #2302687 11/26/12 06:49 PM
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FLTC: When I read this today I honestly did not know how to reply to you. I am very glad that KML did. She has much more knowledge of this and you need professional help here - not what we on this board can offer you.

The only thing I can really add is this. What might happen if you do not intervene? How would you feel if you did not step up to the plate and help your daughter who, whether you like it or not, has been a victim of the breakdown of her family.

It is much easier to deal with the prevention of a disaster than to live with the fallout.

That's all I've got except to say - I'm sorry for all you are going through. But it's not ALL ABOUT YOU. It is about her.

Barb

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Coming from someone who struggled with depression, suicide and eating and drug disorders for years....

I understand the fear of having your daughter come and live with you

I also understand that it might be a safety issue

AND

I certainly don't judge you

there were several times when I came out of treatment that I was not ready for treatment, when I was an actual danger for my family to let back into my home

my advice is...

DO NOT BE GUILTED INTO LETTING HER INTO YOUR HOME!!!!


There are some fabulous in and out patient treatment facilities for her to recover at and some amazing people to help her there.

Sometimes the best place to recover is NOT at home. My greatest recovery took place NOT when I was at home but when I was in treatment and then during out-patient treatment when I was placed in an apartment style home on my own.

I would let her know that she is loved and welcome but sometimes home isn't the safest for you or for her recovery and it is OK to talk that through with her professionals

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Sorry to hear all you're going through. It sounds like your XW thinks the best solution is for your D20 to live with you. But what do your dd's doctors suggest would be best for her? I would be tempted to follow their recommendations. Also, even if they do recommend a period of time living with you, wouldn't that probably be short-term; she would eventually return to college or get a job after a period of treatment & recovery?

Karen


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Thanks, everyone. It is a very difficult issue on so many levels. My XW is such a control freak. My new wife is a very skilled RN who has worked with a ton of patients with psych issues. Her skill and resolve are not the issues. It's XW who would insert herself into every decision, and who D20 identifies with much like the Stockholm Syndrome. Both fo my daughters desperately want favor and approval from their mother, but each time they approach her, it's like trying to "buy milk at a hardware store".

My new wife has seen my XWs "Win at Any Cost" approach to every issue. Case in point: even though XW moved in with her companion, into a 2.5 million dollar home, and the divorce decree clearly states cohabitation causes alimony to cease, I am now 6K into a court case trying to make this happen, EVEN THOUGH IT'S IN BLACK AND WHITE AND I'M TOTALLY IN THE RIGHT WITH THE ALIMONY. She came back asked for $2400 until she can rent her old house, and I need to entertain all of this. IT'S NEVER LINEAR WITH XW.

So you can see, my wife feels like "It's always the world according to XW". What XW wants, she ALWAYS seems to get.

XW doesn't want D20, that's what she gets. The resentment on the part of my new wife if very justified.

FLTC #2303134 11/28/12 01:19 PM
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But your resentment and blame are clouding the REAL issue - which is - getting your daughter better. Even if your wife can't behave like an adult - you need to. Talk to the dr. Talk to a counsellor. But find out what YOU can do to make a difference in your struggling daughter's life.

Barb

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Barb,

Unfortunately, they've also clouded my new wife's thoughts as well, which is really difficult.

FLTC #2303997 12/01/12 05:36 PM
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FLTC, I remember this as an issue when you first starting dating current wife. Daughter was difficult back then too, if I recall. Hang in there and be there as best you can for your daughter. It's hard, so hard!


Divorced February 27, 2012.

"Only by love is love awakened".~ Ellen G White

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