As a FWS (former Wayward Spouse), I need to rebuild trust and show him that I am the person he loved. I really don't think the DB-ing techniques are for my situation. I was the one who screwed up initially and I need to make amends for that. I have made the decision to stand for my relationship as painful as this is going to be. I will continue to work on myself and take care of our D to make sure she is happy and content and safe.
I need to be pro-active, transparent and attentive, and some DB-ing techniques go against this. I have to figure out what is best for my situation. I am seeking a pro-marriage counsellor who can help me through this process of not only trying to save my marriage but to also help me rebuild myself.
"I really don't think the DB-ing techniques are for my situation."
Yes they are. You just don't understand them well enough.
"I was the one who screwed up initially and I need to make amends for that."
Regardless of what you've done in the past, you're trying to save things now. It's the same as everyone else here.
"I have made the decision to stand for my relationship as painful as this is going to be. I will continue to work on myself and take care of our D to make sure she is happy and content and safe."
Perfect.
"I need to be pro-active, transparent and attentive, and some DB-ing techniques go against this. I have to figure out what is best for my situation. "
No not necessarily, but the issue is that he's with OW because he didn't trust you before. First thing DBing teaches is to get rid of the negatives in the M that your spouse was against. Which is what you seem to be doing. What you need to do next is to live like that so it becomes habit. Then you start rebuilding attraction but not in a way that is "in your face" to your H.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Ok, time to start over then. I know absolutely what I did wrong in the marriage and I have been working extremely hard to "right my wrongs" so to speak. I completely understand what you are telling me but how do I deal with this on a day to day basis. I question EVERYTHING! My biggest concern is around what type of contact I should have with H? One of the negatives in our M was I did not pay enough attention to him. Now, as much as I want to, he doesnt want me to. but I don't want to push him further away by being distant and cold. My brain tells me to make sure he knows that I love him and miss him and how sorry I am. Ive even written him another letter, this will be number 3. He doesnt ask much about "me" anymore but I am going to be proactive and tell him things so he knows im not hiding anything from him. Im also going to start answering the phone if he calls for D so he can hear my voice and I will be happy and cheerful. Its the day to day stuff I need help with.
By going back to the fundamentals of DB. No frequent calls, no acting desperate, etc. You already made it clear that you are interested in saving your M. Keep the changes going so that when he is around he can see the changes in you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
He's "popping by for a bit" tonight. I don't know how long he is staying or anything. What should I do? He will probably be there before I get home from work.
