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My "OW" is 8 years younger than H, and 7 years younger than me. All I really know about her is that she is lonely and has no friends or family around here. So he's become the centre of her attention. I'm tempted to ask H if he knows about the email I sent her, my sister thinks she probably kept it from him. I don't know, I haven't decided yet. I may just sent an email apologizing for sending it (I'm not really, I said what I felt had to be said to help me with this) but its a way of letting him know if he doesn't know.

Do you see any signs of regret from your H? Any REAL hope of R? Or are we just hanging on to thin air? Either way, the 180s willl help.

He called tonight, I let D answer the phone as I always do when he calls, which isn't often. He wanted to talk to me, asked what we were doing tonight and tomorrow. I did ask him if he was coming for supper (I smacked myself afterwards but it was instinct). I was pleasant and cheerful on the phone. I told him I was going to go out for a bit when he got here "if that was okay" he said sure no problem and said hed see me tomorrow night.

I don't want to be a doormat but I don't want to be mean or vindictive or cold either, I want to be the person he loves, which is kind and thinking about him and his needs. I don't want to act needy either because it sounds like OW is (a friend that knows her told me this). I read that in DR to find out what it is that OW is doing for him and what she is like. H does not like neediness, that will eventually wear on him.

I'm starting to read the 5 Love Languages next, I'm hoping that will help. Its also supposed to help me communicate better with D, she is still my main priority. When H told her tonight he was stopping by after work tomorrow she whispered to me that he said he was coming and asked if that was okay.

So we will see how it goes. I plan on looking terrific when he comes and will leave shortly after he arrives and will stay away for at least an hour, going to do some shopping. Ill go home before D's bedtime and be cheerful and happy. Its the best I can do for myself.

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Do I see regrets from H? Not yet. I think he is in relief not to have someone to answer too. I think he is enjoying his hunting trips, doing what he wants, feeling ultimate freedom. Our DD is old enough that she doesn't need him as much. He still calls/texts her every night and right now, that's enough for her.
Do I see any real hope ... no, honestly I do not. Am I hanging on to thin air ... probably, but right now, it's keeping me sane, so I'm good with it. But your H seems a little more sympathic than mine... my H might be but hides his feeling way to much. So, I think as long as you are healthy, hanging on to hope is okay. When it becomes an obession, I think it's not healthy. And you are right, concentrating on ourselves and daughter is the best thing. I can not let this situation run my life. As much as it could, I refuse! It is what it is ... I can't control H anymore than he can control me. I am even teetering on the edge of telling my lawyer to go ahead and file our papers with the courts. Our state has a mandatory 3 months wait period, so I have those three months to continue to hope. I just don't think I could handle our divorce being final and him getting remarried right away ... but in three months maybe I'll feel differently.

You know, one thing I want H to know that I haven't told him and don't know how ... the door is still open. If he wants me and wants to try again, its possible. Counseling is a must and honestly, not even sure it is possible... it's something we'd really have to work on. But I really don't see him kicking OW out. She gave up her "place" (I guess) to live with him, I don't see him being so cold hearted to her to kick her out with no place to go. She is the only reason he could live where he is, because he had no bed, no linens, no cooking utensils, no dinnerware/silver ware ... he had to move someone in to take care of him ... yet he calls me with computer problems and cooking questions ... Huh??

As far as OW, I don't really know anyone that knows her. We have one friend in common and she won't talk to me. Which hurts my feelings, because this friend was raised (as the OW was) in a strong christian background and I know she KNOWS what OW is doing is wrong. I honestly don't want to know what OW is like or what she does for H. I can't change me anymore than he can change who he is deep down. I agree with behavior changes, but I can't change me for what he wants. He loved me for 20 years like this ... I can change behavior but not my personality.

Your plan for his visit sounds perfect... even if you are going to the store, just say ... running some errands and look awesomely good! It'll show him what he is missing. I think it's okay you asked if he wanted dinner. It's being nice. No different thank asking one of your friends if they want supper.

I love the 5 love lanuages. Not sure which is H is. When I read it, I was reading it better communicate with my teenage daughter. I need to re-read with H in mind. I think he is a time person. And like I said, I'm sure in the past year, I've not showed him enough attention/time.

Keep me updated on the visits.


By the way, since H is at hunting trade show Monday, Tues, Wed, I sent a text Monday asking how it was going. Got a text back. Last night ... he sent me one telling me he was going to dinner with someone ... I sent one word response back. But was suprised I got one from him???? I'm sure he's texted OW pictures and lots of information ... I was probably an after thought, but I was still suprised.


Me: 41
H: 43
M: 21 yrs
DD: 15

1st bombshell: 2002 - 6 months
2nd bombshell/moved out: 10/03/2012
OW: 10/12/2012
Signed MDA & PP: 11/20/12; but not submitting
Confirmed OW living with H: 11/21/12
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Posts: 133
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I think I have to drop the rope. I don't think I have a choice. My H has now told me he wants our D 7 days on/7 days off. I supported and helped me BE a father for almost 5 years and he's barely been a father in 5 months. He walked out on us without telling us or making any type of arrangement for D.
I have been her primary caregiver her entire life. His life is roses obviously and he thinks he's in love with OW and they will stay together and he will form a new life with her.
And now he wants to take my daughter. There's no hope left, only a will to fight for my D.

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WOW ... so, so, sorry! Don't stop working though. Any thing can change. Please don't give up on yourself. You've said all along, you will be a catch for someone, keep that attitude, because you are right!

WE CAN NOT CONTROL THEM! I'm slowly figuring this out. And everyday I wake up telling myself I can only control me. I can't control DD, I can't control OW and I can't control H. I can't love H back to me, I can't hate back to me, it's all on him.

Sometimes people have to loose what they have the most to figure it out. My guess is that your H will figure it out. What you do then is only your business. Your divorce is going to take a while. It's not immediate. DO NOT LAY DOWN ON THE VISITION. If you aren't comfortable, please voice it! Tell your lawyer what you want. Let him tell his lawyer what he wants. Maybe you can meet in the middle. AND you could always ASK for your DD not to have overnight visits. You can ask for anything. You are your childs voice. Please voice it. You don't seem to be a mean, vindictive person, so don't start now, but be firm about what you think is best for your child.

THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. “Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

Keep posting! I promise I'll respond... might not be the best advice or most prophetic advice, but I'm listening .....


Me: 41
H: 43
M: 21 yrs
DD: 15

1st bombshell: 2002 - 6 months
2nd bombshell/moved out: 10/03/2012
OW: 10/12/2012
Signed MDA & PP: 11/20/12; but not submitting
Confirmed OW living with H: 11/21/12
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 133
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Posts: 133
I know I love him and miss him, alot, but he scares me. I never know what he is thinking from day to day. I really feel he thinks it is "it" with OW. In my heart, I feel it is over for him and I am just torturing myself at this point. I can't let him take my daughter from me.

Im going to start a new post around is it time to drop the rope.

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I hope someone with more "experience/knowledge" can give you some good advice. I just don't have any. I say you don't have to agree with 7 on/7 off, that's not normal. And since you didn't agree with it in writing, you can change your mind? Right?

I understand giving up on him. I think about it also. I'm just not there yet. But I can move on and still have hope. I think I can hold on to hope for a long time. I've held on to hope that things would change for us for the past 3 years (his work situation).

Maybe your H is still in affair "fog", dating fun, he has NO responsbilities that he feels. I happen to think he is in major MLC, but problems that you have had in the past could be contributing factor also. It's hard to tell and you'll probably never know.


Me: 41
H: 43
M: 21 yrs
DD: 15

1st bombshell: 2002 - 6 months
2nd bombshell/moved out: 10/03/2012
OW: 10/12/2012
Signed MDA & PP: 11/20/12; but not submitting
Confirmed OW living with H: 11/21/12
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Posts: 12,602
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"My H has now told me he wants our D 7 days on/7 days off."

That's his right.

"I supported and helped me BE a father for almost 5 years and he's barely been a father in 5 months."

Let's be honest here. YOu walked out on them first which is what you explained when you first got here. He closed himself off because you walked away from both your H and your D. Just because now you've reached a revelation doesn't make the hurt he experienced go away.

"I have been her primary caregiver her entire life."

Again not necessarily true when you were going through your MLC.

"His life is roses obviously and he thinks he's in love with OW and they will stay together and he will form a new life with her."

Going back he really didn't have a choice in the matter. You left him emotionally remember? Of course he's going to get it somewhere else.

"There's no hope left, only a will to fight for my D."

There is hope but you have to stop thinking of it as a competition or a fight. He had very real feelings that were affected by you. Just because you've come to terms with it doesn't mean that he has. He loves the OW because she gives him love which is what you didn't.

If this sounds harsh it's meant to. It's the reality of what happened. He's not a bad guy, he's just getting what he should have been getting in the first place with you.

There is hope but you have to first understand his POV and be compassionate about it to a certain degree so you can see what your plan of action should be.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I am seeing my lawyer next week and I spoke to a legal aid lawyer today, they give out free advice. My friend who is a paralegal is also calling me tonight. I posted another thread called "is it time to drop the rope".

The legal aid lawyer told me that H can go ahead and ask for 50 50 custody but I can so no and he will probably not get it based on the current status quo.

We have nothing whatsoever in writing, just my emails and letters begging him to come home and be a family. I never agreed to 50 50 custody and ive told him from the start I would never agree to that.

I too think he is in a MLC and it probably is brought on by my past behaviour. He actually said that to me during a heated argument quite some time ago. He doesn't look happy ever when I see him and he said he is miserable (and blames me for that too).

MrBond, I appreciate your honesty but many things have transpired since my original post and the reasons for me leaving are much more clear to me now. I did feel at the time of posting that I did "abandon" my daughter but that is not the case and I have been working with a therapist to see that that is simply not true. I felt that way because of the emotional stress I was under and the guilt that I felt.

I won't get into it all here but I really have been her primary caregiver EVEN during my mid life crisis. He was a father when he was FORCED to be a father and I do not mean that to sound harsh but that is the reality.

He absolutely has a right to go for any type of custody he so chooses and I do completely understand that I hurt him and did not support him emotionally for a very long time. I have from the very beginning taken my responsiblity for this. But that has to do with him, not our daughter. But he could have told me he was done and was moving on instead of telling me he loved me and would wait for me while I worked through my issues all the while seeing OM behind my back.

In the 5 months he has been with OW, he has barely spent any time with D, and barely calls. His priorities are OW, his jobs and his hobbies and activities. and THAT is what put me into a MLC. I got the attention from someone else (not a man mind you) because I was not getting it from HIM. When we adopted our daughter, it was "ok she has a kid now so she's happy" and his life went on and has continued to do so til this day.

I have been working very hard with a psychologist to figure out what happen and why and as much as I blamed myself ENTIRELY 5 months ago, I no longer blame only myself. Our marriage broke down because of both of us.

I love him, I always have and he told me he loved me, right up until I found out about OW. I miss him and still want to be a family again but my daughter is my priority and always has been and always will be.

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"and the reasons for me leaving are much more clear to me now. I did feel at the time of posting that I did "abandon" my daughter but that is not the case and I have been working with a therapist to see that that is simply not true. I felt that way because of the emotional stress I was under and the guilt that I felt."

See that's what you don't understand. Even though YOU came up with a revelation of why you did what you did, it doesn't do any good to the people who were on the receiving end of your actions.

"He was a father when he was FORCED to be a father and I do not mean that to sound harsh but that is the reality."

That is YOUR understanding. Men and women interpret things differently. I'm sure he did things for and with your D that were important to him but you didn't notice or don't think they were important because they weren't important to you. That's just the reality of all relationships.

"But he could have told me he was done and was moving on instead of telling me he loved me and would wait for me while I worked through my issues all the while seeing OM behind my back."

No he probably was honest with you. But as time went on and his needs weren't being met then he saw someone else. I mean did you meet any of his needs while you were in MLC without argument or being huffy about it? Again, just being devil's advocate.

"I no longer blame only myself. Our marriage broke down because of both of us."

True. But you were the one who checked out first. If you went out with other people and told him that he needed to stay home to watch your D while you were out doing your own thing, it is selfish and not fair.

"His priorities are OW, his jobs and his hobbies and activities. and THAT is what put me into a MLC. "

Your timeline seems to be jumping around. Did he have the OW before or during your MLC? And to be clear, it's not his hobbies, jobs or activities that put you in MLC. You put yourself in MLC. There's always a solution or a positive side of things. It just depends if someone chooses to focus on the negative rather than the positive. It's why so many marriages break up over time.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 133
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I do understand that the why I did what I did does not make up for what I did, I really do understand that. I am incredibly remorseful and regretful for what I did and I intend to spend the right of my life making amends for it. I love him and I respect him very much but I do not respect what he is doing now and what he is doing to our daughter.

That is not my understanding of how he was as a father that is the reality. Again I do not want to sound mean against him but it is the truth. He really did not do anything with our daughter unless it was with me as well, never on his own. And in 5 months where he is now supposed to be a "single" father, he has not been at all. In 5 months he has never even taken our daughter outside of our home. there is a very good chance he did not bond with her after the adoption.

No he was not honest with me. I didn't even know at the time I was not meeting his needs because he did not tell me until after I found out about OW. We went out together, slept in the same bed, had sex, told each other we loved each other, (from me it was more I do love you but something is wrong, something is missing) We were living as a couple, I thought we were reconciling and coming back together. I honestly honestly did.

I did not tell him he "needed" to stay home and in fact he didnt. alot of times when I went out my daughter came with me, and when she did stay home with him, he took her to a babysitter, which I only found out about a few weeks ago. I really don't know if I checked out first now or not. Not based on everything I have gone over with my therapist. I did definitely check out though, that I will never deny. But he was the one who was out doing his own thing and me being home with D when she came along.

OW came into the picture in July as far as I know but now I am hearing she has been around alot longer I just don't know if it is true. So no, she did not come into the picture before my MLC, but close to the end of it. There are many factors which led to the MLC but I 100% agree with you that they were my choices and I chose wrong and that I will have to live with. But now he is doing the same thing.

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