Well.. it's been almost 3 months since I have last posted on here.
I debated on if I wanted to start another thread. 3 months into the divorce - I've had 99% no contact. One email discussion with my xw and that was in regards to an insurance misunderstanding. Everything is final and we have no children… so my heart is prepped that we will never speak again….
… so because of the route she chose to cut me out of her life long ago, I have spent the past two years dealing with emotional issues that would probably be later in the process for other folks. The no contact, no emotional or financial support of any kind. The process of truly morning the death of a relationship
And after two years… I am seeing light at the end of my tunnel. I do not think the hurt of her betrayal will ever go away, but I'm accepting I can't change her..
Acceptance means that the hurt is less, the roller coasters are small and short-lived… and I can start working on truly forgiving. As much I have wanted to, I don't know how much I was able to achieve forgiveness with the heartache. I worked as hard as I could to let go - but the heart is stubborn.. and I've decided that as long as I'm actively working towards it - I have to be patient with the pace my heart can go.
God knows what my heart desires.. and I have faith he will help me get there.
So back to why I DID decide to post - well the truth is.. in some ways I am living parts of my life for the 1st time and I think I am not alone there with this discovery.
I met my xw at 19, thus there are things that I never really did much.. like… dating… or developing deep friendships outside of the marriage.
So a huge part of surviving the divorce - is me just experiencing things for the first time or doing things that I should have done in my 20s. Unfortunately both the good and the bad.. lol.
…. And as I continue to recognize/combat my co-dependent or victim thinking ways - new opportunities/situations present themselves that I have never seen and feel ill equipped to handle…
.. so I don't know.. maybe my story is not your standard "surviving the D" story.. but this is where I am in my D and I guess I'm just looking for a place to journal and maybe get thoughts from others who have been there.
Oh.. and I'm still sticking with the Grace theme.. caz it works for me.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hey Val! There you are! You sound so good and your life as it is laid out before you is so full of promise and new experience. Embrace this new life and seek your happiness.
Don't beat yourself up about the healing process. You are ready when you are ready. I do like the fact that you are sticking to your theme on Grace. If it works for you, it works for me. And I totally get it!
Keep us posted on your new and exciting life. You are an inspiration for many people!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I think we can all relate to your story. At the 2 year mark - I was not as far along as you - we all work through this at different rates. At the 11 year mark - I can honestly say I have not truly met total forgiveness but I reached acceptance a long time ago.
I believe you are handling things well and have a great understanding of the process. It's good when you get off the roller coaster but the emotional stuff does linger for a long time - it comes and goes in waves. Just when you think you're back on solid ground - something hits you (like running into them with the OP or something someone tells you) and it's like a tidal wave - you get knocked down again. But that becomes fewer and further between and you become much stronger in the process.
I think it might be harder for some of us who started the relationship when we were so young (I was only 15). We did lose our "growing up" time and I, too, had to do things for the first time when I was in my 40s (like dating someone new). But maybe that's not such a bad thing. Scary at first - but it is fun to try new things you would never have done if you had stayed in the marriage.
Once the dust settles and you see what you're left with - you begin picking up the pieces and find out amazing things about yourself. You can find new activities, go to new destinations, meet new people. Learn that there is more than one way to enjoy life.
Good luck with your new life. I think you're doing a great job!
I am glad you decided to start a thread. I think we all have something to share and learn from each other as we explore our new realities. Thank you for sharing.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
As Thanksgiving quickly approaches.. I have been overwhelmed with gratitude. I mean.. crying tears of joy daily.... (and no I'm not going through the change of life.. I'm only 30!!) Most of instances small and in the forms of gifts.
My love language is gifts so nothing fills up my tank more quickly than giving or receiving of gifts....
.... but today was a pretty big one. I'm wrapping up a feature and the lead accountant has just been a bear to my friend and I (we're both assistant directors on the movie). She has been verbally abusive through email for 5 wks. And for 5 wks, my friend and I did not spew back the venom... In return - we showed her kindness.
... We believed that there must have been something so horrible in her life that made her this way.
But still.. it was hard. Of course my heart breaks for her.. but I'm human and sometimes.. it just p!ssed me off. The kinder we became, the more wrath we incurred.
Anyway - I'm wrapping up this week in the office and I notice that she is treating the production coordinator as awful as she treats me. Over the past 4 weeks, I knew it was going on.. but the accountant is kinda a b!tch to everyone.. I didn't realize she was worse to her!.
The coordinator and I start talking and I begin to realize that every time she gets yelled at, it's in regards to me and my department... so I ask her.
"are you being verbally abused because you are trying to protect me and my department?"
and her response was "yes".
And in that moment I just felt so inspired. So thankful. I have never met the production coordinator until this show. It's not like we are friends or have any intimate connection of any kind. We can't really hire each other.. or even recommend each other for work....
... and we probably won't speak again until we see each other on another show.
So it CAN be argued that there is no benefit for her to be a "whipping boy" for me.
Still she did.. and in 5 weeks she never once projected any of that abuse on us. Every wicked word spoken by the accountant was taken in and stored. All we ever saw was kindness.
It's just so amazing... I am truly humbled... and honestly - I hope to be able to give those acts of the kindness in the very near future.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Hi Val, Your story kinda scares me a little. If I can't win back my wife, I will have to start from scratch. Or worse, I'll be a divorcee with a kid. Who wants that? I don't know if it's good or bad, but in a sense, you are freer without kids, to really forgive, forget, and go on. Whereas, I'll be always "chained" to my W.
Looking back, is there anything you wish you did, or didn't do, to save your M? (I'm still trying to figure out what I should do at this point).
And Val, 30 is still "acceptable" young to date and meet someone new, don't waste your time. Soon I'll be 35, and already that's a different story. I notice this when I meet 22-26 girls who think I'm like 27-30, and then are all surprised when I say my age...
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
Have you read it?. Bless ya if you did... It's long but I put everything out on the table.
What about my story scares you?
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
If I can't win back my wife, I will have to start from scratch. Or worse, I'll be a divorcee with a kid. Who wants that?
I can't understand that fear. It's difficult for me to talk about my life w/o bringing up my xw. She was a part of it for all those years.
And yes.. some people have gotten hesitant.. when it comes up. The trick is to have compassion and show some grace that "Divorce" scares people. They don't want to end up there.
... and then balance it with the knowledge that the right person will understand. He/She will find you to be worth working through that with.
Make sense?
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
I don't know if it's good or bad, but in a sense, you are freer without kids, to really forgive, forget, and go on. Whereas, I'll be always "chained" to my W.
I AM thankful that we don't have kids together. If you read my story, you will read that we were trying 4 months before the bomb.. and it would have been awful going through it with them.
But then I didn't really get to DB either to her. My contact was VERY limited. I HAD to work on me.. I HAD to make the changes real for ME.
And I know you feel "chained" but currently that is just your pain talking. Even though I am D.. I still love my xw, and I know if we could sustain a healthy R, I would fight hard to have her in my life.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
Looking back, is there anything you wish you did, or didn't do, to save your M? (I'm still trying to figure out what I should do at this point).
That's a good question. I'll have to think about that some... but I can tell that if there are things that I wish I DID or DIDN'T DO.. it will be because I wasn't the woman I wanted to be... NOT because I wanted a recon. There is a difference.
And I can tell you that I have very few regrets in the D process. It could have gotten ugly.. very ugly... and there were times when I could have snapped back... Given the treatment that was gave to me......
... but I didn't and at times I hated it. I hated taking the high road. I hated hurting more to love her.
There were times that I cried out.. "I Don't want to be the bigger person! She doesn't deserve my kindness".
But the board supported me and helped me stayed focus. And that's where my faith came in. And that's when my heart started to truly change.
I am forever grateful for those moments.. no matter how painful they were at the time.
Originally Posted By: Big Bruce
And Val, 30 is still "acceptable" young to date and meet someone new, don't waste your time. Soon I'll be 35, and already that's a different story. I notice this when I meet 22-26 girls who think I'm like 27-30, and then are all surprised when I say my age...
Oh I know it.. but it's in God's time now. I'm healing and I'm okay with the pace of it. When my heart is ready.. there will be someone.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
