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Joined: Apr 2012
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My first thread: What's going on here.... and what do I do? What is going on here.... and what do I do?
My second thread: Stand up, poor and tired, but more than this

I guess I like to type a lot. Locked up the previous thread.

H and I went to a counseling appointment this morning. The counselor's (C) mission is to save marriages. To work through the issues, even when it seems hopeless.

I stayed quiet mostly... It was the first time I'd get to hear what the issues were. Why we were where we are.
H lied in the counseling stating his affair was 2 years. It wasn't. He said that he felt this way before our 5 year old was born. He's always felt like he wanted a D, but just never could go through with it because of my reaction.
C: "it sounds like LIO is willing to work on whatever it is that you need, have you communicated your needs to her? "
H replied: "She's not the issue. She would do anything that would help me. except when she doesn't get her way..." C looking at me: "how so?" in relationships like right now."
C looking at me.
Me to C: "I can only think of right now, where I do not want cheating or lying." H: "and murder"... (haha trying to be funny).

Reading these forums, I could see where the C was going with his questioning after getting stonewalled. He was asking midlife crisis questions. C brought up our son, and asked about his reaction... H was silent. I told the C, and H chimes in that I was feeding into S's reaction. I report what he does/says. Not my feelings.

H said he wouldn't come back, it was pointless. The C encouraged us to come back because it wasn't hopeless, but if we wanted to see him individually, that that was an option.
C suggested that we work on a parenting plan. H was uninterested, and took off quickly at the end.

H then called while I was crying/upset left in the office and his voicemail said: "I'm sorry you are upset, but I knew it would go that way. Have a good day."

I have another appointment with the C next week. For myself.
The C had me stay past the session and said that my husband is unwilling to accept any responsibility, and that I need to get out of the limbo and I've been left with a lot of responsibility with the kid, the house, the bills...


I had a great workout tonight. Signed up for more training sessions. I'm feeling stronger physically and mentally.

I was trying to keep the road smooth. I think I was a fool for being too accommodating. Maybe it's time to go NC again?
----


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Mar 2008
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I would say so. He seems to at least show some interest then. My ex sounded alot like your H. There was no hope, he wasn't going to end his affair and I couldn't make him. What a little kid. Hon, he has a lot of work to do.

Let's get you bak to you and making your life better.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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He came in the next morning (yesterday)- while I was sleeping and squeezed my shoulder which woke me up and said "I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass." I didn't respond. I really didn't talk to him much yesterday. And besides one light conversation today (son was busy when H called) - no contact.

I took our S to a school party tonight. We both had fun and it was so nice to see his classmates' mothers, and have the kids do the activities. I'm so grateful we can send our son to the school he is at.

No contact continues on my end. H is now try initiating contact or including me in voicemails to S. Back and forth. I quit that game though. Finally. If I show interest, then he retreats. I'm not rewarding that any longer.

Today I went back to a workout I haven't done in 5 months. I'm really focusing on getting more fit. Even if H was going after bigger girls, it won't make me happy to be out of shape.

There is a new person around who has expressed interested in me (friend of a friend). I've not given my phone # or gone out with the person yet, but I can see how flattering it is for someone to receive attention not from their spouse and how tempting it would be. However, I'm going to keep db'ing as I want to be the best me I can be however life turns out. Maybe I'll know when I get there. For now, nc with H.

I've been galing more effortlessly now with NC. I am finding myself so appreciative of the people around me - the relationships I'm building at the gym, at church, my son's school, and it's really building my sense of community.
I want to make sure I give just as much as I take - including on here.

BTW: Kat thank you so much for sticking with me! It's been a learning experience these last 7 months on this board.
I also appreciate feedback from so many other wonderful posters!


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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Hey, no problem! I remember how hard all of this was. The friends I made here are my friends today. Some I don't hear from much but others I have regular contact with.

I hope we can get you to a great place in your life. If your H decides to join in...well he has plenty of work to do. You are a wonderful person and it sounds as if the people you run into day to day are getting to see that. smile

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Joined: Apr 2012
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Journaling - a bit all over the place and verbose. As always!

I am in a alternate universe.
Somehow H and I are going on Christmas vacation with S to visit H's parents. Together.

I am glad to say: I did not push it, arrange it, ask for it, or plan it. I had nothing to do with it. H and his parents did.
I am going to go so I can be in the sun, be relaxed, calm and have a nice time in nice weather. I am watching it unfold as it comes.

I do admit that I have a thought of: 'how interesting we are going together to visit his entire extended family. Back into the very place where we both have such good memories of each other. Where we met, where we always get along so good. But also the same place that I left 9 months ago alone - imagining we would go back together and have more good memories, only to arrive home to a WAS'.

But no expectations. I promise myself that.

After the counseling, I backed off entirely.
I did it for him so he could have room to process his feelings/thoughts without mine interjecting all the time. But I did it mainly to get a sense of sanity for myself.

In my time away so far:
I reviewed my actions in the last 8 months. I read books about communication between pointers and painters. How each processes and deals with conflict differently.

I vowed to be open, trusting, and loving. Real 'love' not controlled love only if you do what I want.
I figured out that he sees through his own filters, like I do. His feelings really have nothing to do with 'me'. I saw that my actions are louder than my words, and I had been practicing my words more than I had been changing my poor actions.

I found out that I am always trying to be 'right'. I'd rather be happy. Being 'right' adds stress to my life.

I am now focusing ENTIRELY on making my life something I will be proud of. If that involves him in the role of 'husband', then good. If not, good. Really.


Regardless, I am evaluating my life and going to be open to what comes in my direction without fighting, without yanking on that rope. I encourage him and anyone to do the same.

I have dropped the rope. I finally figured out what that truly meant and DID it. (Actions are more than words!)

If I speak to him, it's always about some benign thing. If he wants to talk about the R, he needs to initiate the conversation.

I am taking action by doing 'nothing' - which is still something.

I am taking care of what I need to take care of here regarding the house. I don't involve him. He doesn't care, and I don't care to worry about it.

I step out of his and S's relationship. S has been very vocal about wanting H at home. H hears him. H confided to me that 'I (LIO) don't think that he thinks about it every night'. I replied: "I don't doubt it, I just don't understand it is all." And I don't understand it. I'm not in that position. But I'm not going to be looking for the 'whys' anymore.

I'm adjusting my attitude overall.
I am accomplishing my finance goals! Just paid off my last credit card yesterday! One of our old scripts was 'how much do we owe on that...' Now that conversation can be dead.

I'm still training at the gym. Still working on the final 20 pounds, which apparently requires me to eat more food... GO figure.


He shared that his hours at work have been getting cut back. I see why he is so desperate to get some other job potential lined up. I see why he is stressed more. I see that I can add to it. I also see that I alone am in control of my own emotions and if I allow myself to be stressed by perceived slights or imagined situations.

My stress contributes a lot of stress on my relationships with not just H, but my S, and even my work.

It's going on 10 months. Every day I used to wonder if I could hang on longer, and for how long, and how long other people's reconciliations took. I haven't thought about it lately in terms of 'time'. I think it will happen when it's supposed to. Or like it's supposed to, it won't happen. Either way.

I don't know if that means I'm quitting. I know that I'm quitting the 'fight'. I'm not fighting for my marriage. He means a lot to me, and I will care for him to death if he lets me. But I'm not going to force that on him. He can choose. But in any case, I choose me that is loving, not controlling.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Oct 2012
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Hey LIO, first time caller, long time reader smile

Your last post was an inspiration to me and you said a lot of things that resonated. especially being happy instead of being right. I have always wanted to be right and am slowly moving towards happy instead. It's a hard process and some days are better than others, but I am working on it. I see how far you have come and it gives me hope and inspires me to continue.

Thanks!
Ruby

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Good for you!! This reminds me of my Thanksgiving dinner with my parents and aunt and naturally my 4 kids. Things were going pretty well and the kids got a bit bored so got rowdy. I corrected them several times. I can't remember exactly what was done but my dad mentions that there are no consequences in my house. I just changed the subject.

I walk out to take stuff to my parent's car with my Mom and had a light bulb moment. My dad wants constant control and would suggest my kids be constantly disciplined so they would be like me when I was a kid. He just had to snap his fingers and we came running.

I on the other hand, knowing that I was in this by myself knew that I would need to choose my battles or I would constantly being on my kids for every little thing and none of us would be happy. I think my way is better. My kids are getting to be kids.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Oh and besides, my kids aren't me. I was a bit of strange, uber responsible child!

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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Hi Ruby! I'm glad that you got something out of it smile For months I was reading a long time poster's (25yearsmlc) signature that said: "Be Happy or be "Right"" and think 'yeah... but I AM right - I should be able to have both!' It wasn't until I sat down and thought about it all. All the times I'd diagnosis him, the marriage, talk about 'our' history, chastise him, when in reality, it is 'my version' of events. And it came down to: "I interpret it like x, he interprets it like y, why is x better than y?" I had no answer. What made "my" truth better? If I couldn't answer that, then why did I need to be right?

Kat! My mom would snap her fingers and immediately my sisters and I would stop - dead still. I 'trained' my son to do the same. I remember the anxious feeling I'd have when I was a kid when she'd do that - it was always someone getting in trouble.
So I am dropping a lot of 'rules' that I once had. Control. Discipline is good, but at some point, it becomes too much. I like you was the uber responsible kid. I think it takes away the ability to be a kid.

While touring a apartment complex for S and I, I overheard this 'big sister' of 9 or so tell her brother 'Gabe, I told you that you need to keep the [toy] away from the little one' said in exactly the tone I imagine her mother uses. I felt bad for her.

I am having way more fun with life, with S, with work, and sometimes, even with H. And I have no anxiety! smile I'm not worried about 'tomorrow' and what ifs.

My thoughts of H have taken the back seat.
I really took to heart what I learned. He will open up when HE is ready. I compliment him on things that I appreciate. I ignore the rest. His battles/struggles are not mine. I am in control of my thoughts. I used to try to remember that 'stop sign' - but I've since found that if I tell myself: "You have no idea what is going on, you are creating a movie instead of fact."

He leaves the house so quickly now with no words. I texted him the name of a song that I asked about earlier (it has some swear word name calling in it) he called immediately thinking that I was mad. He isn't sure what to make of me now! wink
I volunteer NOTHING!

I was listening to music at work, and a 'Amazing' from Aerosmith popped on. For years I'd sing along - but yesterday... I really 'got it'.

"I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah,I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
Would die

It's Amazing
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
It's Amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
It's Amazing
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight"

The last line especially - I am saying a prayer for everyone here and in our lives including our WAS's who are stuck in that place. It's no fun, sometimes things will still hurt, but it will be okay. I believe in that.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 168
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LIO, I must say your last posts have been refreshing. You are off to a great journey. And yes, that Aerosmith song is captive. All the best.

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