The green green grass of home

[Soul.Searching]

Im starting a new thread because my old one has been locked. Below is the link to my first one.
Lost and confused

I am still lost and confused, however Im no longer so desperately lost and confused.
I choose my new thread title because that's what I'm going to do.
Water my own grass and make it as green as possible. It does not matter if H ever realizes just how green his grass could have been. Mine will be green!

I had just typed out a long reply on my old thread and I guess it was locked while I was typing it lol, so I'll post it below.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, CV and AJM,., I guess my eyes are not quite as open as I thought.

Bug, yes they do like some of the perks of being married to us,... It just blows me away that they can still expect the good parts to continue. One thing I have already told H is that he can not have the best of both worlds. 
I guess that didn't sink in,.. It might not be good DBing but I can't detach if I'm letting him keep the perks. It would make me feel like I'm letting myself be used.

I have lost me somewhere along the line, I don't even know when! Maybe as much as 8 or 9 years ago when the children were born.
The "real" me would not take crap from anyone! 
Not in a nasty way but I would never, ever have let someone treat me the way H did. Well guess who's back? 

Even simple things like candles and insense! I love them, I used to always have them burning. Well H gets a headake from certain ones and from mixed smells. ( Even from non burning ones.) instead of compromising and finding ones that didn't affect him, I let him throw them all away.
Why did I do that? I guess that does not matter now but I have ordered some more. 
It seems I have kept all of our mutual interests but somehow forgot about the things I like to do that H doesn't. Which really I could use one hand to count them (We really do have a lot of common interests.) but that's not the point. Those few things were a big part of what makes me, me. 

I think H realized this before I did, thinking back now, he did buy me some candles about six months or so back. They weren't the ones I really like, I guess I just didn't use them, H actually lit them a few times. They smelt good but they weren't what I would have choose. There is more examples but the short version is, I think H was missing the old me and somehow I didn't even realize I wasent there. (I hope that makes sense.) 


CV, I know he also had a EA with this person for at least a year or so, Honestly I don't think he even realized what a EA is. I guess I subconsciously pushed that fact away. I haven't even really thought about it since he can back after the first time. I guess I haven't even dealt with that at all.
It was only reading your post that I thought, Hang on he did have a EA,.. Wow that really must have affected me, I don't know how I could "forget" something like that. I think I have mentioned it here before somewhere but I cartianly haven't dealt with it. 
Honestly, I think he did kiss her at the start of the EA, I think he had sex with her just before he left but I have no solid evidence. Just feelings and a dream I had six months or so ago. 
 
AJM, no I don't think I have seen the bigger picture yet. Just when I think I am seeing it, something happens or is said and I realize just how far away I actually am from seeing it. 
I want to thank everyone on this board again for all of the support. Mostly it has been people here who have opened my eyes and made me see things. I really think I would be so much further behind where I am now, if it wasent for the support of everyone here. 
I still have a long way to go but I will get there, with or without H. 

Honestly I don't know that I have been a good DBer but the things I have
Picked up, have made a huge impact both on myself, my children and H. 
I do speak my mind a lot. I do throw in a lot of truth darts, just in passing conversation and I change the subject quickly but I'm sure he does think about them later. 
I guess I do need to start setting those couple of boundaries and not worry about the outcome. It's the only way to stay true to myself, which I guess outweighs how H will react. 
I have changed a lot since BD and I like it, I'm more of the old me but with a lot of changes for the better. I'm no where near finished though. 

Yesterday, I recieved a letter for our joint account which is a couple of hundred in debit now, due to things coming out after we opened separate ones. The letter was addressed to me only, H must have taken his name off. When I seen it I was Hurt and angry! My first instinct was to call H, It wouldn't have ended good because I was pissed. 
Then I thought I would wait a while and think about it later, well I couldn't wait, then I thought " What would I do if this didn't make me feel hurt, betrayed and angry?" (H was supposed to be paying the ballence and closing the account.) 
Then I though, I would probably wait until he arrives and ask him during general conversation. Which is what I did. He denied taking his name off but I don't see why it would be addressed to me only. 
I just accepted his answer and there was no anger.
I'm not angry or hurt about it anymore. I'm just accepting it and taking it as it is now my debt to pay and cut my losses. 
"If it burns, take it as a lesson learned,)"

It felt good to have dealt with it like that,..okay I think I went totally off topic lol

After hearing aboutmakeup, dresses, nails and all the other crap I heard, I'm actually suprised that things still suprise me lol
Yes I guess I do need to expect these things. It just hard because if H heard someone else having that convo six months ago, he would have said they were crazy. It's just weird. 

Sorry that was so long. I guess I have a lot to think about. 

[Soul.Searching]

I'd really appreciate any input on tonight's not so good DBing.
I'm having mixed thoughts on if i should have had that conversation.

D9 asked to call H, so I called and gave her the phone. When both the kids had finished talking S8 handed me the phone.
H and I were talking for a while and he was saying how he had a good time last night.
He kept thanking me for letting him see the kids mid week.
I keep telling him he does not need to thank me for "letting" him have the kids. Just because of what some of his friends partners have done, does not mean I would ever stop him from seeing them.

He was saying he might come with us on Friday to a carnival, if I didn't mind. I went quiet and said i was a bit worried about us spending a lot of time with the four of us because it probably won't always be like that and I'm worried about how it would affect the kids, when later down the track, we just suddenly stop.
H: "yeah I guess if you get a boyfriend" i replied and said something I shouldn't have.,,"Or when you get a girlfriend, if you haven't already" (AHH It just came out.) He said he doesn't.

He said that even when he does get a girlfriend they will just have to accept that he spends time with me and the kids. If they can't than they can go and get f-ed. He said he doesn't know if that's the right attitude to have but that's how it will be..
If they can't understand that, than they are not worth it.
(Yeah H, Yeah)

H: "it's not like we will be going off and f-ing" (Love his choice of words,..not) "You wouldn't let that happen anyway" Me: "It wasn't because I didn't want to, You are not in love with me and I didn't want to be used, That's what it felt like. I'm worth more than letting myself be used."
H said he had to go, so we hung up.

So about half an hour later, he called back. More general conversation and him telling me all about his work situation.
He once again thanked me for letting him have the kids. He said that's why he took me out with them last night to thank me.,
I told him he didn't need to do that.
H: well i also wanted to, it was nice and i really enjoyed it. We can still be friends. You have been a big part of my life for a long time and you always will be.
H: I just wanted to show you how much i appreciate it. Maybe if i done that more when we were together, We probably wouldn't have separated. Most of the problems were probably me.
Me: Well that would have helped but the problems were both of us but if I'm going to be honest, I don't think you tried when you came back,.. I mean you obviously feel you do but thing could have been different. I had already started changing.
H: What do you mean?"
Me: Well it sounds weird but i lost me years ago,.. Everything i did was about you and the kids.
H: yeah, that's wrong.
Me: i know but i didn't even realise. I brought up the candles (He said about him buying me some a while ago) and said small things like that. Even putting up with your crap, I never would have put up with the crap i put up with from you, Not from anybody.
H: Laughs an evil laugh,.. remembering how i was i think.
Me: I'm never going to put up with crap like that again from anybody.
More general conversation
H: after this time, when I go away for work,i probably won't go out drinking. I'm tired and I blew over $500 at pubs in two days.
Me: I'm not surprised.
H: Now that I'm keeping track of everything myself, I'm realising how much I spend.
Me: I knew you would. I used to try to tell you that. It frustrated me.
More general conversation,.
H said he will go with me on Monday or Tuesday to sort out some things, that really need to be done.
We hang up and I text him that I am not working either day but am unavailable Tuesday morning, there were a few more text and that's it.

Oh and he was telling me about him telling work that "I can't borrow the ex's car"
I thought that was,.. insightful.

He is actually starting to own some of his mistakes and starting to see things more clearly,.. at least for now but it really sounds like he does not want me back. He just wants to be friends, Nothing more.
He said he cares about me alot,.. His head seemed very clear, He sounded like he has been thinking things over and he just wants to be friends.
Doesn't leave much room for hope. It almost feels like i done all the ground work for him to be a better partner to someone else. Nice,.. just nice,..

Well I guess I better just worry about watering my grass,.. Actually I am getting there, I did cry a little tonight after the first phone call. I cried and then i picked myself up and finished off DB book. If this happened a week ago I probably would have spent the night crying.
I can see my own baby steps and really, that's ultimately more important.

[JuneReN]

Good for you!! I cried all night on Sunday, so still not at your place.

Some days SS I am strong and resolute and some days...not so much.

That was a really insightful post-Thank you

PS

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Ruby. I'm not sure how long this will last but It is a big step for me. The conversation (the first one) left me feeling hopeless and helpless, actually both conversations did but I cried a little and picked myself up before H called the second time. It didn't ruin my night either. I'm sad but accepting, I find trusting in faith scary yet liberating. I'm not quite there yet but I am getting there. I'm just really torn as to weather I should continue on this path or not. Honestly with how clear H's head sounded tonight I think he really does not love me anymore or he is seeing OW. Limbo land [censored]. I don't need H's love anymore, I have mine and my kids, my family and friends. I want his love but I don't need it.

You will get there Ruby.

[AnotherStander]

I'd really appreciate any input on tonight's not so good DBing.
I'm having mixed thoughts on if i should have had that conversation.

I don't think you did anything wrong. You're not supposed to bring up R talks, but your H did and it's fine to discuss it when the spouse brings it up. I think you gave him some good truth darts regarding how you won't be walked on any more and won't allow yourself to be used for sex at his whim. Good job! Next time just try to get him to talk about his feelings more, and if he does then be sure to validate.

He is actually starting to own some of his mistakes and starting to see things more clearly,.. at least for now but it really sounds like he does not want me back. He just wants to be friends, Nothing more.

You're not even to the 2 month mark since BD, have patience!! You are seeing some really good signs already. He is indeed owning his mistakes, that's a great sign. He needs to explore his faults in order to recover. This is part of the process of him coming to realize that you are not 100% responsible for every bad thing in his life, and that leaving you is not his path to 100% happiness. You just need to keep DB'ing and be very patient

[Crazyville]

I don't believe you did anything wrong in the conversation as such, but I would ask you where you're headed with it. It might be too early to answer. But you still seem VERY available to him, and I'm not sure that's good. It seems like he bounces off of you in order to make himself feel better. Almost "weening" himself from you, gently. I'm wondering if it would be a good thing for you to keep the convo's to topic only? I understand this is hard for you too, so it could be serving you as well. It just sounds like there's an awful lot of chit-chat.

[Soul.Searching]

Thank you AS, I sent him a text tonight "Enjoy your night " He text back he was still at work. He called when he finished work and he didn't know how to take my message. It seems that he really was at a point where he took a lot of the things I was saying as me hassling him. I thought he just didn't want me to call, that he was just trying to make me out to be a bitch for some reason.
He would think I was hassling him, then because of his tone of voice, i thought he was angry because I called, I'd lash out and then end up hassling him.

texting now,.. he says he kinda does love me but doesn't think we should be together because of the things he has done,.. apparently had sex with "one or two" people, says it was not while we were together and all he thinks about is me,..

Sorry CV, thanks for the post,.. i'll reply later.

[Soul.Searching]

Im really about to F**K things up right now,.. He keeps texting and i'm stuck on that text about him having sex with other people.,,, i just so want to tell him what i think of him.,,I don't even know if i want him back.,.. Maybe this pain is worth it,.. Love,.. how can he leave, F**k around and then say he loves me,.. that's not love,.

[Soul.Searching]

Okay so he kept texting me while his drunk ass was trying to find it's way back to the hotel room. I didn't respond because i was trying to compose myself. When I did I asked him a few questions. Now we are back to being confused and not knowing if he wants to be with me or not.
He didn't reply to my last text.
I don't know CV, I just really don't know any more. This is just exhausting. Part of me thinks that we would just be better off moving on. I'm not a game to be played.