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A Message from Michele
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Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300019
11/15/12 01:52 PM
11/15/12 01:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,033
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AnotherStander Offline
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Posts: 8,033
Originally Posted By: LisaLost

He has broken down and admitted that he has a problem with sex, porn etc. but doesn't want to seek help. He says the right girl will fix him.

My sister is a forensic psychologist and has known him 15 plus years. She has seen his behaviors and blame shifting and more. She recently told me she would classify him as a narcissistic sociopath. Based both on his adult behaviors and his childhood experiences. She has explained to me that people with those issues lack empathy and the ability to truly love. All the info she sent me fits him to a tee.


I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's hard enough DB'ing with a relatively normal spouse that is just going through a phase or adjustment, but clearly you're dealing with a H that has some very serious mental issues.

Quote:
I know this bb is for saving marriages and I wish I could save mine but not at the cost of losing myself or harming my children.


That's completely understandable and I think most if not all of us here would totally support you if you decide to walk.

Quote:
I want to DB to save myself and also follow and learn from Michelle and others to prepare myself for my future spouse.


That's a great attitude!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300647
11/17/12 08:50 PM
11/17/12 08:50 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
L
LisaLost Offline OP
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LisaLost  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
Wow, h's ow just had the nerve to call me pathetic. She called me this after h found out I had filed for temp support, alimony and custody plus visitation. Really she called me pathetic? Wow


Me:37
H:38
6 kids
first bomb 8/05 (ow involved)
piecing 7/06
second bomb 3/07 ow involved
wash rinse repeat....
huge move to start over 2/11
more affairs
H left for good 8/12

Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300650
11/17/12 09:01 PM
11/17/12 09:01 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 535
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MKB23 Offline
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Posts: 535
Don't buy into it! You KNOW better! Not pathetic - smart- protecting yourself and your children. Scr@w her. Let her support him. lol It's not all sunshine and roses. There are real actual consequences to their actions. Please do not talk to her or communicate with her anymore. Frankly, I told H if his ever did again and I found out and knew for sure it was her that I would change ALL of our phone numbers and not give them to him again. I meant it too. Don't tolerate that.
How have you been? You haven't been on in a few days.




Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: MKB23] #2300676
11/17/12 10:16 PM
11/17/12 10:16 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
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LisaLost Offline OP
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LisaLost  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
I have been trying to work through some things. It's been tough. I don't consider myself pathetic at all yes I have done some pathetic things but not recently. It's just the irony that the homewrecker she is would call me pathetic


Me:37
H:38
6 kids
first bomb 8/05 (ow involved)
piecing 7/06
second bomb 3/07 ow involved
wash rinse repeat....
huge move to start over 2/11
more affairs
H left for good 8/12

Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300677
11/17/12 10:17 PM
11/17/12 10:17 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
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LisaLost Offline OP
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LisaLost  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
I want to post more later. It's been rough


Me:37
H:38
6 kids
first bomb 8/05 (ow involved)
piecing 7/06
second bomb 3/07 ow involved
wash rinse repeat....
huge move to start over 2/11
more affairs
H left for good 8/12

Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300686
11/17/12 11:21 PM
11/17/12 11:21 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
NW USA
L
LIO Offline
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LIO  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 227
NW USA
Originally Posted By: LisaLost

I know this bb is for saving marriages and I wish I could save mine but not at the cost of losing myself or harming my children. I want to DB to save myself and also follow and learn from Michelle and others to prepare myself for my future spouse.

I think of it more like it's saving yourself, and a byproduct is saving marriages (if possible - though honestly in your case I would recommend you save yourself!)

Is it all possible for you to see a IC? I know you said you don't have time, but usually it's 45-1 hour per week, or every other week or so. They also operate on a sliding fee scale and if you go to a larger place, they have grants provided by the state and counties. Also check into your county. I wasn't aware of this until reviewing the divorce paperwork but my county has counseling available for no cost.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300796
11/18/12 02:38 PM
11/18/12 02:38 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
L
LisaLost Offline OP
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LisaLost  Offline OP
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Posts: 912
Iowa
Yesterday afternoon my 14 y/o and 10 y/o went down to see their brother my 12 y/o who had decided to try to live with my stbx and his 25 y/o gf for a bit bc stbx promised him all kinds of money and gifts. They found the apt and of course ow was there with my son. He came out to play with his brothers and chat in the parking lot. My 14 year old said she stared alot at them and used her phone alot an laughed and giggled while on the phone. He said she came over to them and asked what's up and my 14 yo s asked her I leave and let them spend time with their brother. She freaked out on him and then he freaked out on her he said he called her a homewrecker and she should have found her own man and so much more. To which she just laughed and said well if your mom had been woman enough she wouldn't have lost him. The according to all kids she smirked. They said she stood there saying things like I have changed your dad and made him a happy man. So F off little boy. My son said he told her some unkind words then left. My 12 yo was left crying.

Why did the "adult" woman argue with a kid? Why not stay in your apt and let them spend time with each other? My stbx then calls me and a me I create all this drama bc I am jealous of her and want him.


I am so sick of this.

Why ?

Thanks Lisa


Me:37
H:38
6 kids
first bomb 8/05 (ow involved)
piecing 7/06
second bomb 3/07 ow involved
wash rinse repeat....
huge move to start over 2/11
more affairs
H left for good 8/12

Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300858
11/18/12 08:41 PM
11/18/12 08:41 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 535
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MKB23 Offline
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MKB23  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 535
First of all - I can understand them wanting to see S12 but why in the world would they go over there alone with her? Secondly are you certain S12 WANTS to be there?
Thirdly - I would recommend something more traditional as far as visitation. Honestly for us the time initially apart from H was helpful in letting the kids get into a routine and know what to expect. Also, that continuity is important so that they know even if one parent is not there that they have you. This is imperative.
Also, I would encourage S12 to come back home. You need to decide what you want. Really. Do you want to stay M and try again or do you want D? Whichever you choose you need to sit your kids down and rationally and calmly tell them. Then you need a game plan so that all of you know what you can expect. As for OW- as I said you should limit all contact with her if possible. In the future if the kids want to see each other why not contact H and ask him to bring the other over or even have them ride the bus after school if need be. These confrontations are damaging.

Hang in there Lisa.




Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: MKB23] #2300888
11/18/12 10:28 PM
11/18/12 10:28 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
L
LisaLost Offline OP
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LisaLost  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 912
Iowa
H was at work and the boys didn't think it would be that big of a deal to go see of their brother wanted to play. She had already met them so it shouldn't have been a problem and it wasn't until she came out.

I understand what you are saying and I am getting a divorce. My lawyer is going in for temp custody, support and visitation. I have tried to do visitation between us but it has never worked.

He just moved into this girls apt after their being together for less than 4 months. Oh and he told the boys they were welcome anytime. There is a huge community park right next to her apt. She is on section 8 and so low rent they have no bills and are just lovin it up.


S12 wants to be there for now bc they are buying him things. H had also told s12 that he has given me money an he has not but .....


Trying to take it day by day. Just ready to be myself again. I am the only one holding me back.


Thanks
Lisa


Me:37
H:38
6 kids
first bomb 8/05 (ow involved)
piecing 7/06
second bomb 3/07 ow involved
wash rinse repeat....
huge move to start over 2/11
more affairs
H left for good 8/12

Re: Back on this site help!! [Re: LisaLost] #2300903
11/19/12 12:39 AM
11/19/12 12:39 AM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,283
N. MN
M
MnSPD Offline
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,283
N. MN
Hi Lisa,

Been a long time. I happened to log back in as I spoke to someone who's son recently seperated and thought I would poke around the forum and here you are. What is going on? I didn't read your whole thread, but I see you are in IA now.

Let me know, Steve

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