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A Message from Michele
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DJR,
Keep the focus on you.
Take care for now just live and let live.


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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djrluvw Offline OP
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Hi sandi2, thanks for your reply and encouragement. To answer your question my W has always been a very giving person with a big heart but over the last several years she has come to believe that she always seems be the giver and when she needs support others are not there for her. She includes her Mom,myself and many others. In addition she has become dissolusioned with her faith and has gravitated towards a more New Age belief system. As a result some of her family has questioned and belittled her for it. For my part I have grown closer to our faith so I can see from here perspective how she would feel alone with it. In 2006 I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and she took great care of me but basically did it by herself with little help from family ecept my mom. Her mother was not there at all when she needed help in spite of W always being there for her. There are other things that W is bitter about as well. And then she basically feels that when she was struggling with her OCD she was shunned and not supported. I would partially agree with her feeling but I can also tell you there were huge efforts to help and support her. My C say that in her frame of mind the only thing she sees right now is the negative things that I did which I did but cannot see any of of the postives. Anyay many days it just seems to be such a chore for her to be in hour house and many things that I and S8 say and do make me feel like we are putting her out in inconveniancing her. She has cut off all but absolutely necessary contact with her mom and completely with her brother.

She has gone from a very giving person to a often restless,agitated, resentlful person. It is sad to watch and on some level I know how she feels because I have been there.

I try hard to hold my tongue and usually do. I want to help but know I can't


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djrluvw Offline OP
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Hi fuanacdc,
Thanks for you reply...thanks for your explanation of detachment...I have stopped all discussion of our M and trying to simple be a good person to her. I take my feelings to my close friends. Thanks for the words...


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So how has this week been for you?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi2,
Early part of the week was good but the last night was not. Slide a little talking to W about all the challenges we have had on our marriage. She is fixated on them and cannot seem to see past them. I opened my big mouth and talked a little about "knowing why we got this point and therefore can solve it together" dumb move...anyway it really upset her and she has been crying all day today and not wanting to talk to anybody. My mom also called her today to offer support and take her to lunch. All my W kept saying to her is "are you mad at me" She did turned lunch down for now and told my Mom she was too depressed. Not sure what the reaction is all about but she is very sad. She is taking off tomorrow for the day to be alone..S8 and I are going to hockey and the work in the yard. W says that being in the house on weekends is awkward. I have been trying to give her as much space as possible on the weekends. Any way I keep praying and trying to plug along. I am reading the book through again right now so that I stay on course...thanks for asking


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Stay with us. Don't give up. Just coming here to the board to read other threads or to pour out your heart can help a lot.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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djrluvw Offline OP
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as an update got a bit of a surprise yesterday. W has decided she does not want to participcate in the Christmans Holidays at all. She does not want to see or talk to her family because she believes all feelings from her B and M are fake and forced. She isn't in the spirit to see my family partly because she does not want to face them. She has decided to go away by herself for the holiday's. Not sure how to explain it to S8.


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How long has she been depressed? Has she ever been diagnosed with depression?
One thing about depression is that the person doesn't want to be cheered up in a fake way. They want validation. To know someone is there for them if they need when they are ready to come out of their shell. When people say 'depression hurts' - it really does. Painfully so to the depressed person.

It reads as if she shows her love/appreciation through acts of service. Did she get the validation/appreciation from that? Or did she give so much without return?

As far as your son, I have a younger son, and while it is difficult sometimes to hear the questions or see their reaction, the only thing I can do is to validate S so that he feels heard. Even if we don't understand what is going on, it's important for them to know that the other parent loves them and is doing the best that they can do... right now.


Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
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djrluvw Offline OP
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Hi Lio,
Thanks for the post.Here doc has said that she is depressed and has her on a couple of meds. Once of them helps with her OCD as well. I would say she has struggled with this dor about three years I appreciate the comments about validation and how much it hurts. Helps me to be more understanding.

You are correct about "acts of service" but she has come to believe that all her giving has been for nothing especially where her family comes in because she feels when she needed support form them none of them where there. She feels the same about me because when her OCD got really bad everything I tried to do to help failed and my frustration level was over the top. We had couple of big fights about it and one time I told her to F off which was way out of line. I was getting really scared about how the OCD was affecting our family and S8. I let my fear get in the way at times but most of thae time I tried to support. My C says that she is in such a place that she can only see the negatives that people do and not the support.I do see how her family has not been there for at times so I can understand why she would feel that way.


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djrluvw Offline OP
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I am concerned about how she is trying to handle this without professional help but she will not consider it at this time. I think she is afraid to face certain things and thinking the grass will be greener elsewhere.

Appreciate the reminder about vaildating S8 as well...He love's mom dearly.W and I are going to go to my C and talk about how to handle Christmas without W there.


me-49
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living seperately but same house since Jun 2012
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