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Journaling


So yesterday I wanted to test out the waters on physical touching. I guess I reached my small goals....

Massage for her is possible now
She allows me to hug her, of course she doesn't hug back...but I do notice she smiles.

She asked me why I hug her, I tell her because every hug going forward may be the last one and I wanted to enjoy the moment.

Still detaching but my plan has always been to flirt with her like any other girl.

We also talked about R, I plan on having a monthly checkpoint for the next 6 months. She mentioned I am no longer a "knucklehead" so she feels better but her stance on "love" hasn't changed. Still feels conflicted with OM. But I think it's now more about MLC. She just isn't sure if she is missing out on life.

I don't want to talk about R but I felt we needed a monthly checkpoint for both of us to have an open and honest talk about our R.

I feel by 6 months I would have done everything possible and emotional I can tell myself I did everything possible and if my W is happy with her new life. I can be happy too.

I already started thinking about accepting a new job in a new field as my 180. Granted its not my field of expertise...but it would be a fresh start for myself. The only issue is the job would be in another country....I don't want to leave my kids behind and I know I can't take them.....I wish I could take them.....maybe in 6 months I can figure something out.

Pain and anger still their. With her health not being good, I feel more protective then ever.

It's amazing how we LBS when awaken feel so much emotion, while in the past we just assume things we okay. We all need to reflect in ourselves how we might have taken things for granted. I know going forward my next lover will never be taken for granted and most importantly I won't take my own needs for granted.

Happy Holidays!!!


Me:36 W:34
T:15 M:10
3 kids
S8 S5 S1
D-Day 9/17/2012
OM Confirmed 9/18/2012

Month of November found my balls
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Won't having those monthly checkpoint R talks just allow her to solidify her stance on moving on?

Each time it is discussed, she will further dig in her heels on the decision she already made.

Why don't you just observe and note the baby steps yourself?

Ed


Me, 55 W, 36
T, 10 yrs
S-9
M, 8 yrs
1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa
2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa
W, AA relapse early 2009-Current
W moved out 2-16-2012
New OM 5-2012
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LS, I like your plan, and it is similar to what I'm trying over here.

Originally Posted By: lostsoul13
So yesterday I wanted to test out the waters on physical touching. I guess I reached my small goals....

Massage for her is possible now
She allows me to hug her, of course she doesn't hug back...but I do notice she smiles.

She asked me why I hug her, I tell her because every hug going forward may be the last one and I wanted to enjoy the moment.


Instead of "because it may be the last one" I'd suggest something more positive like "because I care for you and want to help you get through this difficult time".

Quote:
She mentioned I am no longer a "knucklehead" so she feels better but her stance on "love" hasn't changed. Still feels conflicted with OM. But I think it's now more about MLC. She just isn't sure if she is missing out on life.


Keep in mind you're working from the inside, OM is on the outside. You actually have the advantage in that respect. There is a part of her, of all WAS's, that is unsure if leaving is the best choice. It's just not that easy to end a marriage, especially when the LBS is doing a fine job of DB.

It sounds like you're accepting that shifting her feelings will take time, and this is good. Patience is your friend.

As for the "missing out on life" thing, my wife is in the same place. Only they can scratch this itch. But we can encourage them to find constructive ways to fulfill this need to live life.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: Am I Too Late
Won't having those monthly checkpoint R talks just allow her to solidify her stance on moving on?

Each time it is discussed, she will further dig in her heels on the decision she already made.

Why don't you just observe and note the baby steps yourself?

Ed



She was the one who wanted monthly checkups.

My point in this was to be open and honest.

Ed, the realization is, no matter what I say, she might move on. Do I think there is a risk it pushes her away further, yes. But I do think by having these conversations, it tells her, I am a strong guy who will support you but will also move on when I am ready.

I do have to make sure the conversation doesn't bad mouth her decisions or threaten stance.

Simplest form it's a message saying, ya I am your husband, I still care and support you. Nope I haven't given up, yes I have boundaries, and yes I can move on (but not give up)

Lets see what happens after Monday. I sent her an email so we have it in writing. If she responds in a negative fashion I will tone it down.

Keep in mind this is a 180 for me. I have always been one to hold feelings and just accept things....I am no longer hold feelings and accepting it.

What else I got to lose? She mentally and now physically left......


Me:36 W:34
T:15 M:10
3 kids
S8 S5 S1
D-Day 9/17/2012
OM Confirmed 9/18/2012

Month of November found my balls
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Thanks FY for your advice,


The one thing that scratches my head and maybe the ladies can provide advice.

My wife has done a 180 with the kids.......I been documenting her time with the kids and its not looking great.

For example

Going out vs spending time with the kids. In the past she would never leave the kids that long. Our official child schedule is not even in place yet. She can come and go anytime she wants.

She rarely calls the kids to even say goodnight. Sometimes a text to me, to tell them goodnight.

She gets upset around them easily..

She has yet take all 3 kids by herself (after in laws left)

She forgot to do a family project with our middle son, she went to a football game (something she was never interested in before)

I know stress and healthy is an issue now...but I just feel like she has totally abandon her duties. I see her buying toys for the kids but that's not exactly parenting.

Upset with me, I understand but to distance herself from the kids is awkward.

My boys, barely ask about her now. One son used to always sleep with her, he now sleeps with me.

Today, my oldest made a comment why mom is never home anymore.....

My wife knows she needs to get healthy to be with the kids but constantly going out and not sleeping isn't helping.

Just baffled....I figure most mom's would feel more motherly and want to be close to the kids, especially during these times.


Me:36 W:34
T:15 M:10
3 kids
S8 S5 S1
D-Day 9/17/2012
OM Confirmed 9/18/2012

Month of November found my balls
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Also had a close friend of our family who knows me and her, heard her story. The friend was baffled by her story. It was emotionless, nothing positive about me.

Still re-writing history after 3 months.....

The friend couldn't even explain what was wrong (she is practicing to be a licensed marriage counselor too). The friend hasn't even heard my side of the story....

I know I shouldn't worry but I care about her overall health and if it affects the kids, I am concerned.


Me:36 W:34
T:15 M:10
3 kids
S8 S5 S1
D-Day 9/17/2012
OM Confirmed 9/18/2012

Month of November found my balls
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Well that's acceptable if it is her idea to have the discussions. She should be the one to follow up on them though, rather than you having expectations like a puppy waiting for table scraps.

Things can not get any worse you say?

Sure they can. As Cadet posts yo all of us newbs originally, we are given a gift, a gift of time. Use it wisely.

As far as her distancing from her children, you should check out my sitch and see how inconsistent my W is and has been with our S-9.

Don't fret over what the mutual friend says or thinks. It's hard, but ignore the comments.

After all, she "Currently" wants her freedom and to get away. Do you think that she would be saying flattering things about you in that frame of mind? Feelings can and do change. That's s fact. Her feelings now are different from when you guys first got married.

Ed


Me, 55 W, 36
T, 10 yrs
S-9
M, 8 yrs
1st D-Day, 9-27-2009, With 1st bf, ea/pa
2nd D-Day, 12-5-2009, With her best friends bf, ea/pa
W, AA relapse early 2009-Current
W moved out 2-16-2012
New OM 5-2012
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 103
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Journaling

Things have been okay. The R talk went well I think...she still is confused. At one point I asked her if she was really done with us and she remained silent....I take that as a good sign. In the beginning she would tell me we were done.


I also let her know my boundary to her OM....I told her if things get intimate, I am done. I told her, even if she didn't feel obligated to our marriage, everybody has a pushing point.

She asked me what does intimate mean to me...I told her once you give your body, it's become full blown intimate relationship.

Not sure if that was smart but I felt she needed to know, I can only take so much.


Me:36 W:34
T:15 M:10
3 kids
S8 S5 S1
D-Day 9/17/2012
OM Confirmed 9/18/2012

Month of November found my balls
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
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Originally Posted By: lostsoul13
Journaling

Things have been okay. The R talk went well I think...she still is confused. At one point I asked her if she was really done with us and she remained silent....I take that as a good sign. In the beginning she would tell me we were done.


I don't think asking her this question when she is confused and wants out is a good idea. It's putting pressure on her to come up with a final answer now. Are you sure you want that? You say her silence may be a good sign, but it may just be her not wanting to hurt you more at that moment.

Quote:
I also let her know my boundary to her OM....I told her if things get intimate, I am done. I told her, even if she didn't feel obligated to our marriage, everybody has a pushing point.


Nothing wrong with this, we all get to chose what we will not put up with. Now you have to stick to your boundary/consequence or you loose all credibility. I hope you prepared yourself for the posibility of having to do this.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Wow, LS13, I respect you for setting a clear boundary w your W. I too I considering this my boundary, as my H's R w OW is not yet a PA (although I still feel an EA is just as bad or maybe even worse in some ways). I have NOT yet voiced this to my H, b/c part of me is NOT 100% sure about this boundary.

I agree w FY, though, in that you should be ready to follow this through if it should happen.

As you have a 1-year old son, have you considered that your W may be experiencing post-partum depression? A friend of mine went through this & she became a radically different person for a period of time and really wasn't interested in her "mom"role (either). Gradually she came back to herself, but she went through therapy and got on A/D medication. There was no OM.


M- 18 T-21
S-14,11 & 10
BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA)
H moved out 11-3-2012
10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life.
11-25-13 Jointly filed.
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