I'm not sure how to start, so i'll begin with the back ground info. Me 44 years W42, Married23, S22, D14. My wife and I had an argument about 1&1/2 month ago, after the argument she just never seemed to calm down. I wrote her a letter explaining how much I loved her and what she meant to me and the crying began, she was inconsolable. I was confused and was asking, begging her to tell me what was wrong. Well... her response, "I love you but".
Saying my world just crashed was an understatement, I went nuts. Begging, crying, pleading, paranoid, snooping (not enough adjectives to describe how badly I acted). I am not proud of the man I was those first weeks. At one point I was in my closet crying and yelling at God WHY!!! I even thought at one point that I was going crazy.
We went to 2 MC sessions now I am going to my third session by myself. I have been reading on this site a lot and finally got the nerve to ask for help. I am lost, I do not want my marriage to end. I am willing to work on me in an effort to save it and myself. I am a little scared because I have been doing some self analysis and do not like the person I have become. I have become lazy (my wife does everything), I have been irritable and grouchy, I have stepped (well more like trampled) all over my wifes boundaries, I have become impatient. I use to be fun, quick to laugh and spontaneous, I desperately want that guy back.
I have purchased the DR and DB books but unfortunately am out of town for work and will not be back until Friday. I am struggling on how to detach and not be a jerk. Because quite frankly a lot of days I am just angry. It has been so long since my wife has just loved me or touched me it hurts. I guess I got use to that way of life and thought it was normal. I may have been afraid to ask her why, i don't know yet, more stuff to process.
UUGGHH where to start?!?!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
First things first... DETACH! Put all conversations of M with W on hold. Do not push her, buy her things, attempt to figure things out through mutual friends etc.....
Right now you need to process what's going on and settle down. You already realized you made mistakes both in your M and after she dropped the bomb on you. This is not a fresh idea for her she has been thinking about this for a while and it might take even longer for her to change her mind.
While your out of town I would use the distance to detach more. Let her contact you, work on figuring out what things you used to do on you own that gave you joy. Start planning your 180's and your getting a life.
You have much work but if you are sincere in your efforts you will better yourself and have a much better shot at R..
Post on here often, het yourself off probation so your posts show up instantly.
Good luck!
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I have purchased the DR and DB books but unfortunately am out of town for work and will not be back until Friday.
Read DR first. And don't worry, you've got plenty of time. It took your wife months or even years to get to this spot and you're not going to turn it around in days or even weeks. So take a deep breath and settle in for the long haul.
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I am struggling on how to detach and not be a jerk. Because quite frankly a lot of days I am just angry.
Why are you angry? You admitted your part in this, clearly both of you contributed to the marriage falling apart. Are you angry at yourself, your W or both? Set it aside, anger won't help matters.
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It has been so long since my wife has just loved me or touched me it hurts.
How long has it been since you loved her or touched her?
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I guess I got use to that way of life and thought it was normal.
It's not sustainable. WAS's can run on autopilot for months or years while planning their exit strategy.
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UUGGHH where to start?!?!
Start with DR. It's the roadmap for you. Also read DB and 5 Love Languages, and start putting the principals to work.
I am struggling on how to detach and not be a jerk. Because quite frankly a lot of days I am just angry.
Why are you angry? You admitted your part in this, clearly both of you contributed to the marriage falling apart. Are you angry at yourself, your W or both? Set it aside, anger won't help matters.
Maybe angry is the wrong word to use, confused and frustrated is more like it. I am really trying to keep my emotions in check, it's still pretty raw.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
How long has it been since you loved her or touched her?
I am the touchy feely one out of the two of us, but sadly I have to admit i have not been there for her either. I see where you are going and thank you for the reminder. I am at least half the problem and I can only change me.
I will read them all, thanks for the advice.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thank you Just A Guy, I am getting my wits about me and calming down by the day. I am serious about changing, I do not like the man I have become. I have even started to write a journal, so I can look back and critic my thoughts, emotions, and actions.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Well... I purchased some football tickets for my W's birthday about a week before she dropped the bomb. I got 2 tickets as she kept saying how she's never been to a pro ball game. I'm thinking about telling her to take our S or Daughter. She told me that when i purchased the tickets, that she had no desire to go with me I think it would hurt me to much to go and I probably would not hold my emotions. What do y'all think???
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Maybe angry is the wrong word to use, confused and frustrated is more like it. I am really trying to keep my emotions in check, it's still pretty raw.
I can totally relate, and actually it's not unusual to feel anger now and then too. I'm loading you up with books, but after you get through the initial ones if you're still interested in reading more The Happiness Trap is a good book for understanding emotions and learning how to go with them rather than fight them. If you fight them they keep coming back bigger and uglier, but you can instead learn to roll with them and keep them from affecting your positive outlook and your actions. That's where you need to be for DB'ing because it's important to maintain a PMA (positive mental outlook) and show your W a happy, strong, confident you at all times, even if you're hurting inside.
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I am the touchy feely one out of the two of us, but sadly I have to admit i have not been there for her either.
This is where the 5LL book comes in handy, it's likely that your PLL (primary love language) is "physical touch" while your W's may be something completely different. We tend to try and show love to others through our own PLL and then we don't understand why they don't respond. The book will teach you why- it's because her PLL may be "words of affirmation" or something else. So you can imagine if that is her PLL and you never, ever give her WoA but you keep touching and feeling her, it's not filling her love tank at all! If I had read that book years ago I don't think I'd be separated right now!
Originally Posted By: subguy
Well... I purchased some football tickets for my W's birthday about a week before she dropped the bomb. I got 2 tickets as she kept saying how she's never been to a pro ball game. I'm thinking about telling her to take our S or Daughter. She told me that when i purchased the tickets, that she had no desire to go with me I think it would hurt me to much to go and I probably would not hold my emotions. What do y'all think???
I think that's a great idea to offer the tickets to her and one of the kids. It would be a selfless gesture on your part and it takes all pressure off your W since you're not going. Perfect.
Ran three miles last night and felt good after. This morning, the tears are back on, uugghh Imma guy, I'm not supposed to cry like this.
Man, I have a lot of reading to do. My package came in from amazon yesterday. My W said she did not open it and it's sitting on my desk.
Love language?!?! We have a love language, I have a lot to learn about relationships.
I will get thru this and be a better person.
At church the other night I prayed for God to forgive the sins I have committed in my marriage. Amazing that little piece of guilt is gone, many more to go.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Ran three miles yesterday evening and felt pretty good, then this morning rolled around and I'm crying again. Imma guy, we are not supposed to cry like this. I don't think I'm going to call my wife tonight, I'm in a mood and don't wanna say anything bad.
I still have a hard time understanding why my W said that she has been faking it for the last ten years. She told our son that and he said nice job cause he thought she was happy as well. She even said on our trip to Biltmore that she had to get drunk in order to want to fool around, that really hurts. I don't know, does that mean my memories for the last ten years are fake, because I had the time of my life at Biltmore. It was our first vacation out of state with just the two of us.
My emotions are all over the place, why can't I control them?!?! i'm supposed to, aren't I??
Can't wait to start reading DR and I have my first IC appointment Friday.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I told my W that I thought she should take our D to the football game. Not the reaction I hoped for. She said that she thought I should take her to the game and I started back into my old ways. I said that I bought the tickets for her and I would not be going to the game. She got mad at me and I caved and begged her not to be mad. When I was away or work I was able to detach some when I come home and see her it's a different ball game. Ugh my brain hurts!
IC this afternoon, hope it goes well.
Sorry for the double post above, I guess it took a while for the first post to be approved and I rewrote it.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I think it would hurt me to much to go and I probably would not hold my emotions. What do y'all think???