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Joined: Oct 2012
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Well, he came home last night. He seemed very tense. Asked what was
wrong, he said he thought I was taking this all as joke. We talked for
two hours. I could not believe how calm I was. All the praying and
reading really helped.
He feels that we have been friends in the marriage but not Intimate
spouses. That he is very unhappy. That he doesn't want to live like
this. I told him we in a sense have wanted the same things for years.
Me a stronger emotional connection he an intimate one. The beginning of
the marriage I felt alone. After reading DR the intimacy chapter is us
to a T.
He told me he went and saw a lawyer yesterday. I just sat there and
listened. He said that there was great financial responsibility, to
make sure that I was taken care of. He told me he did not renew his
life insurance policy. Because he already had one with the company
because of being part owner.
He said he wanted to tell the boys(23,21) because he felt that he was
lying to them. And that was creating to much anxiety.
I spoke up then. I told him I did not want to put the house on the
market, that I want our son to enjoy his first year of law school which is
the hardest, and my other son to enjoy his senior year in college. And
also told him that meant spending the holidays in our home. He said
that they are grown men and they can handle it. I asked him not to say
anything.
He said he talked to a lawyer about things, and the lawyer asked if he
wanted to file and he said not yet. Don't know what that means.
He said the changes that I am doing in keeping the house and making
dinner and getting on with my life is not going to change things. I
reiterated that it was making me feel good. And I was doing it for myself.
Not for him. He said that he was glad I was making a change for myself.
I told him that he has been a perfectionist, do things at there best.
Which is on the things that I love about him.
My personality is that I am a flea. I hop around so much, I don't take
things slow. This is one of the areas that I am working on for me.
Stop, breathe, evaluate, and then move forward. When I tried to say
things and I couldn't get the right words out I stopped. I kept my mouth
shut. And I told him. That my talking out of desperation is what has
partially gotten us to this point. And that it is another thing that I was
changing.
He said he that my idle threats twice when we were real young about
leaving, and then telling him I want a divorce, and then saying if
you're that unhappy then leave have all attributed this. I explained
again that I said those out of desperation.
The last time was this past January. I had become complacent in the
marriage, lazy I admit this. He got upset he brought things out and I
went on the defensive. That is when I said what I did. That has been
the turning point for him. He said he has felt that he has tried for
years to make me happy, and he has. I have been his confidant, his
supporter, care taker, his soul mate. Except for the intimacy.
He feels that if he hadn't had this breakdown an it has been a true
breakdown we would still be living the life that we had. And he doesn't
know if he will be able to get over that. He feels that I am changing
because of that only. I had told him something my god mother told me.
Is that we have to find our own happiness. He felt that when I said
that it was an epiphany for him. He had to find his happiness and right
now it is not with me. He feels trapped because of the financial
obligation to me to stay here. He hates where we live and wants to
move. Something we have both felt. And have many talks about moving over the
years. I told him that I felt with the daily deluge of work issues and
him trying to be a pleaser, and never turning anyone down has also
attributed to this. He never has taking time for himself. Never without
the cell phone in hand. Which made me constantly saying something about that.
I told him that i was glad he has made that change. I admitted that I was wrong to
discourage him in the past about wanting to go golfing on Sunday's.
Because if he had stayed home all we would have done is watched tv. And
I realize the importance of down time. Golfing with friends is
different than golfing with clients. And instead of me mopping around
the house when he was gone I should have taken the opportunity to do
something for myself. Win/win situation. I also told him I had applied
for a job, and that I had also gone to check getting certified to be
able to work in hospice and elder care. He said good. Conversation
over, he made some tea, of course I asked if I could get it for him he
said no. We talked briefly some more. Showed him the program
description of the classes. Then he said he was going to bed. Slept ok,
until early morning stomach in knots again. Got out of bed, said good
morning to him. He was leaving for the gym and work. He also said until
he has researched the program more he didn't want me to enroll. He just
doesn't think that there is enough training in it for me to do what I want
to do. Oh well. He hasn't removed any of the financials or any other documents
that are here regarding the business. I feel that if I go see an attorney
this will prompt him to move forward. I AM FIGHTING HARD FOR THIS MARRIAGE
AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.

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I urge you to seek legal counsel and not share what you have learned. Your h has already advised you that he has seen an attorney and knows what the bottom line will be when it comes to finances, etc. You can't rely on him to be honest w/you. Do the research so that you know what your rights are. If you don't want to do this, then google the law for your state. Knowledge is power.

Many of the comments that he has shared w/you are mlc lingo and come from the book of "script". Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does. I'm glad you advised him that you are doing certain things for you and that you feel better about it. Continue to make changes and they have to become permanent and they have to be for you, not him.

One thing, why does he have to research the training and determine whether it is enough for you? If this is a career field that you are interested in, you need to be the one to research it and make sure it is right for you. Your h, may appear to be helping you, but it comes across as controlling you and your future.

Keep your expectations at zero and do not rely on this man to help you when he really starts rolling down hill in mlc. As long as you are going along w/his program the way he wants, he will be nice. However, the minute you start to question his authority or knowledge, the monster will come home to roost.

Today is a new day...start your google searches and go from there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2294643 10/30/12 09:57 PM
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Funny thing snod I did all the research for this. He even told me the other day that volunteering was good but that I really need to get trained. At a loss again.

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I may be reading your thread wrong, but it sounds like he is trying to control and manipulate you by telling you he's going to research this program, re not enough training, etc. I would go w/my gut instinct and if you think it's something you want to try, go for it. Each of you may come away with a different perspective on the program...the questiion I have is this...who is planning to participate in the program...you or him?

This is your life and ultimate goal...


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2294726 10/31/12 02:38 AM
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ME! When he told me about that he wanted to research this. I just kept quiet. I knew my time would come and it came tonight during dinner. I asked if he had a chance to research the school. He said he hadn't. Then I told him I had. Also told me each state is different with regards to the number of hours required. Calif. and TX requiring the most hours. I did my home work. I can get a job at the hospital, senior center, nursing home, hospice, home health. Doest pay much but it is something that really feel strong about. He was very silent when I got done. Then my neighbor who has her elderly mother called and I went over coffee and cake to visit.

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I'm proud of you! You let him know that you had done the research and I'm sure he was surprised that you had. Now, go for what you want! You are doing this for YOU, not him! Do not allow him to discourage you from reaching your goal.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2294757 10/31/12 03:57 AM
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Thanks. I tell you guys have been a world of inspiration. This is not over yet.
In sickness and in health. I still love him. but I am not going to toyed with.

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