Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Dawnmarie.
I'm feeling slightly better today health wise. So he came to pick up our kids today, he gave me a cuddle before he left and told me to have a good weekend. So Sunday is our sons football presentation, H asked me if I wanted him to pick me up and we will go together. (It will be the first time we have been anywhere with the 4 of us since he left.) I just said "I guess so" then he told me the time he will pick me up.

Is that something I should be doing???

[Soul.Searching]

So I went to a mutual friends house tonight. I've been there a few times since H left but it's just not the same. I find I haven't hardly been talking once there is a group of people. It's like I have nothing to say. I just don't understand. I just spent most of the time, just sitting there listening I everybody else talk.

[AnotherStander]

Is that something I should be doing???

Absolutely. The kids come first. Don't underestimate the impact this is having on the kids. If they see the two of you together at their activities the message you're sending them is "even though we're not getting along, we will set that aside for your benefit." You're letting them know how important they are to both of you.

[albamarie]

[quote=Lisa.7]
Is that something I should be doing???

Yes, I agree it is good for the kids. But, ultimately do what works for you and IMHO if he's willing to do family stuff after some time of nothing, it's nice to agree and hope for a good day. Please, don't have expectations just they can let us down at the drop of a hat.

You may have to over look or "not hear" a comment or non gesture from him, at the same time don't read anything into a good comment or gesture. I take everything lite it helps me coup at the end when he's gone again.

The idea is not to set yourself up for hurt. I pray you have a productive family day, come back and share, were all here and we all can relate

[AnotherStander]

Yes, I agree it is good for the kids. But, ultimately do what works for you and IMHO if he's willing to do family stuff after some time of nothing, it's nice to agree and hope for a good day. Please, don't have expectations just they can let us down at the drop of a hat.

Yes, well said! I should have added my own experience, we are S but W and I still go to some events together with the kids. D15 is on a drill team and we go together every friday with S9 and MIL to watch. We also go to lunch or dinner every weekend to hand off the kids. I have zero expectations during these get-togethers. We talk a bit, but we usually don't even sit next to each other. So you can do this and still maintain some detachment.

[Soul.Searching]

Deactivating the fb is a great way of taking care of Lisa! What else can you do for yourself??

I'm not sure right now. I know I'm going to go through the house top to bottom. There's still a ton of his things here. I'm going to give them all back to him. I haven't got a car ATM so I can't go and do some of the things I would like to do. I do have to "find" myself though. Im not sure where I'm headed now.


So he came over to drop the kids off today. I had just got out of the shower and was drying my hair. I heard really loud banging on the door and answered it. He was standing there pissed off. I said "what's wrong with you? He said "Answer your f**king phone"
I said "well I didn't hear it, do you have a problem with that? "He said "year" I said "well stick it where the sun don't shine" he laughed a little bit, then went to help himself to a drink!! I think he was checking the dining room table for flowers. (he seen some after we broke up that were from my SIL he didn't believe me.)
Anyway in a angry tone he said " What have you been doing? " I said. "what do you mean what have I been doing? What have you been doing? He didn't answer and said goodbye to the kids. I asked him if he was still picking me up tomorrow and he asked why, I said well you have got the shits over nothing. He didn't reply.

After he left, I checked the kitchen and the only possible thing that he could have been talking about was the fact I had about 5 tea/ coffee mugs in the sink and about 4/5 cups in there. So what has that got to do with anything? Does he not want me to GAL?
Also now I'm not even sure if he is picking us up tomorrow.


I'm starting to think there really isn't any hope for us. I need to concentrate on GAL, my children and myself. I can't live with the hope of us getting back together. It's just too painful.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks for the replies. I have only got the Internet on my phone ATM. So it makes it hard to reply and quote too much to each comment.

[Soul.Searching]

So he just called me. I missed the call and phoned him back about 5 mins later. I know that would have pissed him off but yet it's okay for him to not only miss my calls but to not call me back.
He was calling to see if I had my car fixed yet. I don't think he really wants to pick us up tomorrow. I told him I can find my own way there but he said no buy made me feel like we are putting him out. He also made sure to "ask himself" where the gym was that he was looking for!
As much as I miss him, it's this attitude I do not miss. Makes me wonder why I care so much. I don't deserve to be treated like that. I just don't even know what set him off. Too many cups in my sink? That I may have had friends over?
I really just want to message him but i know that wont help me detach. Its starting to feel like that's what he wants...
It's like he thrives when he knows I'm upset and emotional. How could he possibly want me to suffer, when I just want him to be happy.

[Soul.Searching]

I spoke to my IC today and she told me I'm all about him. She wants me to write him a letter and explain things.
His Mum left him and his sister with their Dad when H was the same age as S is now. His grandmother also left his Dad with his Grandfather when he was still young. I think he might of been scared of history repeating itself but if that's the case, then he ultimately made it repeat, except just the man leaving this time. He did have a crappy childhood starting from the age our S is now. I am wondering if this has anything to do with it.
I dont know if I should listen to my IC and write him a letter or not. Not only do I not want to worsen our relationship, I don't want to make things worse on him.
Everything in me just wants to call him and try to work things out. I know I need to GAL and I know I need to give him space to work things out for himself but it's so damn hard. I just love him so much. I just hate that he has done this to me, to us. I just wish he would wake up and see what he is doing to ALL of us. I know I need to just worry about me and my children right now. I just wish I could help him and be there for him.

[LittleWings]

Hi Lisa.7

I understand how hard it is to detach, I have only been separated 3 weeks from my H and everyday feels so hard hey. You seem to be being really strong though, deactivating FB, getting his things back to him etc so well done you.

I am in no position to give advice but just wanted to say I understand your hurt and pain and the confusion!! I am finding yoga is really helping me and trying to be as healthy as possible - too hard to think straight when tired and feeling physically yukky. I too want to make sure my H is ok and worry for him - but all the advice on here and in the book suggests we have to take the focus off our H and take the best possible care of us - after all, we can't control our H is behavior or be responsible for their happiness, only our own.

Take one day at a time and if that's too hard, take one hour at a time and be strong.

Take care,