Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Hi,
My H: 31 and I: 29 have known each other since I was about 9 years old. I was 16 when we started dating, 19 when we got married, 20 when we had our D, 21 when we had our son. We have been together for 13 years and married for 9 years. We have a
Lot of the same interests and have always spent a lot of time together. We have had our ups and downs. The main things we ever fought about was 1: money, he likes to spend and worry about bills later. 2: he goes away for work and it's like he doesn't want to talk to me, when his away. He just likes to go out drinking everyday after work. Spending money we didn't have. 3: him lieing... He now tries to say he lied because of me but that's not true. I have seen/ heard him lye to probably every single one of his friends/ family over the years. It's just really petty stuff, that I don't even know why you would lie about.
Okay, so about a year ago we did go through a pretty rough patch but it felt like, he was just looking for fights and talking about leaving. We talked and everything was okay,... Or so I thought!! He also started exercising and buying new clothes, aftershave and eating healthier.
Okay, so last month he went away for work, while he was away, I tried to call him one night but both of his phones were off. He called at like 2 in the morning, claiming both his phones went flat. I know what his like with his phones!
So anyway when he got back, he was strange, distant! It got to the point where I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said no!! He left that night and went to his Mums house 3 hours away! I was shattered!!! One night I checked our bank account and seen he spent our last $40.00 at a florest. I called him and he said he was at a "old mates" house. I had never heard him mention this girl before. He denied buying her flowers and I begged him to come and talk to me. He did but didn't get here until about 4 am, after spending the day/ night at the beach, apparently talking about me. He admitted buying her flowers, which he said was just to say thank you for taking the time out to talk to him. He told me he kissed her about a year ago and was feeling guilty ever since. He said I didn't make him feel wanted and she did! He actually had me feeling guilty at one stage!
Well he came back and we were trying to work things out,Or so I thought.
I had a family member pass away and he was very supportive but he was still strange. He didn't want me to touch him and when we did do anything, he was strange afterwards. After a few weeks I couldn't take tha pain of him not wanting to touch me anymore, so I talked to him. That's when he said he loves me but is not in love with me. I asked him to define that and he said he doesn't get butterflies when he kisses me! Now he says that he just doesn't know if he has romantic feelings for me. He told me he was leaving me. He stayed for about another 5 nights before he left. He tried to get me to have sex with him the night before he was leaving but I couldn't. It felt like he was trying to use me. my car also broke down, so I haven't had a car for a month.
Anyway he left. I'd never really understood the term "heart broken" until he left. The pain was unbearable!! He tried to say that he was sick of all the fighting and that the fighting out weighed the good times. We had not been fighting though!
His story of why he left has changed so many times. I didn't call/ text him but he started calling / texting me all the time. Just telling me about his day, what bills he paid etc
I forgot to mention, he changed his status on Facebook the same night he left! So after about two weeks, I changed mine. Well he called me and asked me why I did! He then stated calling/ texting All the time. Asking where I was, who I was with etc he said he was confused and didn't know if he had made the right choice. Said he knows he loves me but not sure about in love.
Well then He went away for work and stopped calling, texting. He also started adding random females from the state he was working in to his Facebook. I also had another family member pass away. I sent him a stupid text message about him not caring, not calling while he was away and adding chicks he just met to FB
Well then the day he was coming home he called and went off at me because I hasent got the kids to call him! Well they get upset when he is away if they try to call and either doesn't answer his phone or is too busy to talk to them. Anyway, we didn't talk for days! Then my cat got hit by a car and ran down a drain I freaked out and I just wanted him. I started sending him messages saying I miss him and stuff, well he didn't really respond. So today was the funeral for a family member. He came and picked me up! He had the music up loud so that we couldn't talk. Well when we were there he was cuddling me and holding my hand the whole time! He didn't come to the wake. He dropped me off and left. I love him and I'm just so damn confused.

[AnotherStander]

He's doing the classic "distance/ pursuit" thing. He distances himself from you and if you don't pursue then he starts pursuing you for a temperature check. Please pick up Divorce Remedy right away and read it, it's a quick read and it'll give you the tools you need to deal with your situation. The begging/ pleading/ constant texting is the WRONG thing to do. You need to detach, work on GAL (getting a life) for yourself, give your husband time and space to sort through his thoughts. It's OK to reply if he texts you, but don't initiate any yourself. And keep all talk light and fluffy, don't bring up the relationship for now. Read the sticky thread at the top of this forum titled "Sandi2's 37 Rules", it'll give you some good basic DB tips while you're waiting for the book to arrive.

And last, don't give up hope! Your M can still be saved. There are many success stories around here including many marriages that were saved just when things seemed the darkest.

Good luck!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

Do you have libraries where you live?
Can they get you the book?
I dont know whether you can get a digital copy of the book or not.
I am sure that you get get phone coaching from the DB office.

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks for the replies.
I found a second hand copy on eBay but I have to make my own account first, as we had a joint one.
Thinking back on it now, when he left the first time I pretty much did a 180 on him, without meaning to. It was all I could do to try to " disconnect" and try to keep myself together. Then he done a 180 to me and with all the other crap I have going on right now, I couldn't handle it and I started begging him again. It just hurts so much and it really feels like he is moving on with his life without me. I just wish I knew what to do. I have had a bunch of people mention a MLC and I know he is only 31 but I know he hates that he is in his 30s, he is exercising, buying new clothes, shaving regularly to the point he is always shaved. His never done that one before!! He says he doesn't even know if he knows what love is anymore. He says that he doesn't know if his in love with me but then tells me that he gets turned on, every time he sees me. I also found out he has joined dating sites. He is just so confusing, so hot and cold. His staying with his Mum and she is really worried about him. He even said the other week that sometimes he thinks it would be easier to "end it all" he said sometimes u just have to be selfish and the kids would be okay. I told his Mum about it so he can keep an eye on him. I really don't think he would do it but the. It also feels like I don't know him anymore. It feels like he doesn't know himself anymore.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm pretty sure he is seeing somebody else. I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how to keep myself together and not call/ text him. I dont understand how he can just move on like that! Does he dealt have no feelings left for me at all? At My great aunts funeral on Tuesday, he followed me everywhere and just kept cuddling me soo tight, holding my hand through the service. Does he still have feelings for me? Or was that just guilt. He also doesn't want me to thank him for anything!!!
We haven't been fighting hardly since he left, since before he left even. I just don't understand. I miss him more than I have ever missed anyone.

How do you tell if this is a MLC or if he just really isn't ILWM anymore?
He is exercising, taking a lot more care of his appearance. Buying new things. He actually had me feeling guilty at one stage because he kissed someone else. At first it was like he blamed everything on me but now. He accepts he made a lot of mistakes.
I just really don't know how to deal with all these feelings.

[2chiquitos]

Don't try to label him right now. That was my mistake. Reading up on Hs issues and neglecting myself was my biggest mistake.

Read Divorce Remedy and start there.

Take care of LISA!!

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks. I know what I should be doing but it's easier said than done, hay
I Called him tonight to see what time he is picking our children up tomorrow. I tried to be strong but hearing his voice and him being all excited and out somewhere,., I just got upset and he kept asking me what was wrong until I broke down. A little while later I went on Facebook and see that he had posted that he was at a pub getting smashed. He posted it about 10 mins before I called. Now he is going to think that is why I called. So I deactivated my Facebook. It's not perminate and I don't know how long for. All I know is for now it is a connection for me to him. So I deactivated it.
I've been sick these past few days. So right now all I'm worried about is getting better. Then I'll sit down and make some small goals for myself.

[longrun]

Very good move that you have deactivated Facebook. Get well soon!

[albamarie]

Lisa - this is all easier said then done...nothing about this is easy or fun. Your lonely in the face of his so - called excitement.

Try not to assume he's having fun or living it up, we really don't know what there doing, but really it's not the best time of their lives. The're lost and if he's drinking that already shows you he's not that happy.

[2chiquitos]

Deactivating the fb is a great way of taking care of Lisa! What else can you do for yourself??