My M can be saved, but I need your help/advice!!!

[Nblost]

Listen to the advice you are getting here. Ultimately, it's up to you and what you can live with.

I had to confront when I found out my H was in some type of affair. I'm not sorry I did and if I hadn't, I would have lost myself. I believe if I had waited for the PA to fizzle, I'd still be waiting and my emotional and physical health would have suffered dramatically.

I feel for you. Affairs are SO STUPID and can easily destroy so many people. In the end, I think few of them work out...however I've read the average affair lasts about two years. The secrecy and limited chances to see each other may keep them going even longer.

Take care of yourself, show your wife you are willing to forgive, and stay strong.

[Autumn Leaves]

MIR

You have already gotten some very wise tips here and I really hope that you re-read them with an open mind and hear them. It will hopefully save you from remaining in limbo longer than you need to.

[make_it_right]

I know I am repeating myself here, but thank you all this wisdom is invaluable.

But I need to clear some things up as I address the last few responses.

First - The A began as a cry out by my wife for an emotional connection that I was not giving at the time and this escalated to a PA because of the connection made...... and yes the purpose of their potential getting together is CLEAR. i think a big part of the PA is that the OM was having issues in his marriage and has began divorce proceedings. i believe the drug/addiction scenario is valid on both sides of this affair along with the what could be dreamings.....

second - ever since W and I had discussion I highlighted in the OP there has been no face to face contact w OM, this was due to things on his end, and I'd like to think the reconnecting W and I were doing. However recently there has been digital contact.

third - Where I am at know is that I know what happened in the past and have come to some level of acceptance and for ME to be able to continue working on this M I need the contact between them to stop. Which yes, means I need to confront her and bring the A out in the open. As I said before if need be I can point to evidence that is by no means difficult to add together and come up with the correct solution.

And I know that my W is suffering greatly internally. I have repeatedly mentioned that I would like her to open up to me as that is how the M will begin to get back on track, like opened to her during that discussion, and trust me I truely opened up and alot of what I said was difficult for me. And she knows this given her reaction that day and subsequently. I also think that she wants me to say something about it because she is the type of person that will internalize so much that it causes her pain just so that she does not cause conflict, EVER. This combined with the fact that I have noticed observed several things that if one wanted them to remain hidden one could do so easily.

For myself I cannot sit idly by and let this happen any longer. Yes things happened in the recent past and I was unaware. The difference is that for me to be willing to work on this M I need her to be willing as well. for me this means receiving the respect I deserve from her and having the A end, period. The past few weeks have been amazing compared to the recollections of things to when the EA/PA began. She has noticed several of my changes, and yes while she has said things her actions as starsky suggested have spoken louder.

And make no mistake yes, the changes I have made are dual purposed, I realize this. Firstly though, I didn't like the person I became. I had been leading up to this realization for a decent amount of time, but I lacked the clarity I needed. I found that clarity and made the changes right then and there. and yes they ar for life as I have already seen the difference in my interactions with other people beyond my W. And i like these responses, but make no mistake, I do want them to have a positive effect on my W's outlook at me and I want her to realize i AM the better choice. the problem as someone else mentioned is getting her to believe they are 100% for real, because I already know they are.....

this may have been rambling a bit to address the last few comments I received, but you all have helped me devise a game plan for myself that I am comfortable with for my own mental and emotional health, let alone physical (which yes has taken a hit).

I only ask that you please check back as I will try to read responses and post when I can while away this weekend. while I have never met any of you I value you all for helping me during this troubling time and thank you for sharing with me your past experiences.

I will be trying my hardest to
MakeItRight

[ShockedOne]

OM are -- by definition -- PREDATORS. They are literally PREYING on your wife, and on your family, and on your family's finances, emotional and even physical health.

Who are you to sit passively by -- usually in just plain old-fashioned FEAR -- and have your family PREYED UPON by another man? Did you not say a vow on your wedding day to "protect" this woman? What the hell are you thinking? Is your fear -- and your co-dependent, "pleaser/conflict-avoider" personality (and I say this as a man who is BOTH) -- more important to you than your DUTY to protect your wife and your family???

I know what people are going to say: "you can't control another adult." No, you can't. But you can damned sure throw every conceivable thing you've GOT at it, and be the sheepdog that God intended for you to go when the wolf is at the door of your family.

End of sermon.


Starsky

Remember this. The other man is a PREDATOR!

[Starsky309]

MIR,

I will keep checking back -- and advising -- as long as you are ACTING on this advice. Not MY advice (you need to consider EVERYONE's, on all sides, and formulate your own plan) -- but acting, PERIOD.

You are obviously an introspective guy. A writer. A planner. You are a LOT like me.

What I had to learn was, in DBing, it's all about ACTIONS, not WORDS. There's nothing you can write -- or say -- that's going to bring your wife back.

Less SAY, more DO.


Starsky

[ericmsant2]

MIR,

The past few weeks have been amazing compared to the recollections of things to when the EA/PA began.

And THIS ^^^ is why I say the timing of WHEN you confront is critical. I never, nor ever will, promote NEVER confronting. It was the timing and manner in HOW you did it that was, IMO, critical. Only YOU know when that timing is right. Confront you must, in order for any possibly of reconciliation to occur, that appears to not be in question here...the timing and reason for the confrontation is key.

I do want them to have a positive effect on my W's outlook at me and I want her to realize i AM the better choice. the problem as someone else mentioned is getting her to believe they are 100% for real, because I already know they are.....

What is even cooler…is when it NO LONGER matter what She or anyone else thinks about your changes. Cause YOU are totally cool with them.

but you all have helped me devise a game plan for myself that I am comfortable with for my own mental and emotional health, let alone physical (which yes has taken a hit).

And that was the point of the feedback. At the end of the day, YOU need to feel comfortable how you proceed.

Not MY advice (you need to consider EVERYONE's, on all sides, and formulate your own plan) -- but acting, PERIOD.

Well said Starsky….well said.


Oh and FTR, I liked your Scenario 4 Starsky…with on caveat …when MIR is ready…he gathers his…….

[pearlharbr]

Oh and FTR, I liked your Scenario 4 Starsky…with on caveat …when MIR is ready…he gathers his…….

And my caveat would be that while MIR is waiting to be ready his W continues her A and becomes more entrenched in it. Let's face it, if she has two men wooing her and meeting all of her needs she's probably not going to give that up willingly. It's human nature.

The reason that confronting a wayward spouse works is that it bursts their cake-eating bubble. If done correctly it shows that the LBS has self respect, healthy boundaries, and will not tolerate disrespectful behavior.

MIR, I noticed in your early posts that you want to know if the people giving you advice had success with it. That's a good idea especially when you're getting differing opinions. Yes, I did save my relationship by following the advice of Starsky and others. The whole situation, from first bomb drop to him ending the affair and asking to reconcile, lasted about four months; I'm positive it would have been shorter if I had exposed the affair and enforced my boundaries earlier.

[Starsky309]

Oh and FTR, I liked your Scenario 4 Starsky…with on caveat …when MIR is ready…he gathers his…….

And my caveat would be that while MIR is waiting to be ready his W continues her A and becomes more entrenched in it. Let's face it, if she has two men wooing her and meeting all of her needs she's probably not going to give that up willingly. It's human nature.

I have posted before about a basic philosophical divide between me (and others who post much the same advice I do) and some others.

Some see people not ready (and correctly so, because usually they're NOT), and tell them to wait until they are. I see these same people, and I exhort them to GET ready, asap, for the reasons I outline above (the things that happen while one sits in Limbo).


Starsky

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Oh and FTR, I liked your Scenario 4 Starsky…with on caveat …when MIR is ready…he gathers his…….

And my caveat would be that while MIR is waiting to be ready his W continues her A and becomes more entrenched in it. Let's face it, if she has two men wooing her and meeting all of her needs she's probably not going to give that up willingly. It's human nature.

I have posted before about a basic philosophical divide between me (and others who post much the same advice I do) and some others.

Some see people not ready (and correctly so, because usually they're NOT), and tell them to wait until they are. I see these same people, and I exhort them to GET ready, asap, for the reasons I outline above (the things that happen while one sits in Limbo).


Starsky

Agreed,

Some see people not ready (and correctly so, because usually they're NOT), and tell them to wait until they are. I see these same people, and I exhort them to GET ready, asap, for the reasons I outline above (the things that happen while one sits in Limbo).

To be honest this is perhaps the best and most succinct explanation regarding the divide of opinions. I fall into the wait until ready. Just not sit on your thumbs wait. ; )

[make_it_right]

Hello everyone,

Just a quick update while still on my trip. First thank you all for the advice given. I am rereading the already written advice as it is a great source of knowledge and inspiration to follow what I know will be the correct path for me.

I have to be brief, but again things are going well as we are spending time together and she is reacting differently to me (all in a positive way) and has mentioned noticing more of my changes and that she likes them. Also, the family member of hers who is also here has noticed some of the changes too...I think.

Unfortunately, there was a bit of digital contact w OM but it was in order to perpetuate her lies to him about this trip.

The brief plan is to avoid them having face to face contact before our next trip, next week, then confront w clear boundaries. More later when I get time.

Thanks to all, I'll be in touch.
MIR