I wanted to provide an update as to where I am these days.. Life is good. I can’t complain. The kidos are doing well…as well as a two teenage boys and a 11 yo girl can do. Wait, I meant to say an 11 yo girl going on 23 – lol.
XW and I have minimal at best contact, which is good for both of us. Our communication is strictly about the kids and is done via email. I have finally shut the door on any possibility of being able to co parent our kids effectively with her. I did this for my own emotional well being. The kids have accepted that “mom is not the same” and to their credit have adapted well to her changes and the changes our lives.
My oldest, is now in college and has a part time job. He finally is beginning to understand what it means to have responsibility. The R between my oldest (18) and I could not be better and continues to get better with each passing day. What a difference from 3 years ago! My oldest now knows what really transpired between his mother and I. He has worked through his anger and has really accepted his mother for the way that she is. She will still do things that piss him off but he now understands why. It was a tough road for him, he did not want to spend any time with his mom for a while (we have a 50/50 split), so he stood with me for several months. Needless to say, I am very proud of the man that he is becoming. Although he still makes some interesting life choices (i.e. now engage to his girlfriend)…but hey he is a teenager. I found out he was engaged from his younger brother, who told me that mom said “she thought it was great and was really happy for him”…my initial response was WTF. I have since spoken to him and have accepted that he too will need to make his own choices and will learn at the pace that he feels comfortable with.
My younger son (17) is still a dream. He is your everyday teenager (video games, etc.). He too has accepted that his mother is not the same but agrees with me that she too is entitled to her happiness. He now has a girlfriend and is getting ready to go to college next year. Wow how the time flies.
My D11, well she is a handful. I am beginning to really see the effects of D on her now. She is quite moody and sassy, some of which is clearly her age and some of which is probably the result of behaviors she sees from her mom. Especially, how mom has treated dad for so long. It is sad to watch; however, I continue to work to address the behaviors that I believe can be changed and are not associated with her age. Wish me luck folks.
The kids still live with me 50% of the time and have adapted well.
Work is heating up, and I am working on a project to open an office up in Tokyo Japan. I was offered a opportunity to go over for a year; however, given the parenting plan, this does not make sense for the kids. The boys have said that they would go with me; however, I refuse to leave my little girl. Nope – not gonna happen.
As for my personal life, my girlfriend has moved in with me and the kids really like her. We are starting to deal with some of the adjustments that come with an integrated family as well as some of the differences between us – most notably 1) a ten year age difference (she is younger) 2) the fact that she does not have children and although has said she does not want any, we both agree that at some point her “biological clock” is going to tell her she wants kids. It will be something that we’ll have to work through. It is a very different R for me, we never argue per se but do have different views on things. We have a good time together but I can also see that a life with kids is very new to her. To her credit, we do speak about it and it appears she is working on gaining a better understanding while trying to determine what her role is with the kids. Time will tell if this will work.
I’ve also come to a much different place….a place of true peace and acceptance. I find that I have forgiven my ex and have finally come to accept that everything happens for a reason. I am writing my life on my terms. I accept that I will make mistakes and also that I will learn from them.
I have started posting again after a hiatus for a while, one that was much needed. My hope and prayer is that I can continue to “pay it forward” to some of the newbies that are here.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
We very well could be twins and were married to the exact same woman. I have a smile on my face right now.
My kids have as well accepted the fact that their Mom is different. I think they still have those moments when they say WTF as well when she says or does something really wierd. Its intersting watching them get to that place of detachment that I have been for a while.
The other day my daughter 14(going on 20) looked at me and asked " is mom bipolar"? I looked at her and was thinking yea she is a crazy....... sometimes but looked at her and said"Mom has changed but your doing a good job dealing with her" Her next question was "am I going to end up like her" I asked her How so? She said always mad and flying off the handle at small stuff. I want to be like you Dad.
I said honey I think its a choice and you will dteremine how you want to live your life.
Interesting convos with kids.
Eric, I love reading your stuff, I'm glad your doing well as that is the goal. And I totally agree that the internal work we must go through is the toughest.
So I recently started watching the TV show "Fringe" (I am on season 3 via Amazon prime)...an interesting show about "alternate universes"...I say this because I too have a D11 "(going on 20)"....So maybe we did marry the same person...in an alternate universe. LOL.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I think mirage posted something that I can related to on many many levels.
Jack is correct....my sitch DID work out. Why would I say such a thing? (I suspect that is your question)
I will try to summarize it in a few bullets.
1) I am free now.
2) I truly like me now..no, I love me now (I know sound self centered - it's not).
3) I am a better human being
4) A better father
5) A better friend
6) I am HAPPY
7) I understand me more so than at any other time in my life.
8) The weight of EVERYONE else EXPECTATIONS and the notion that I need to live my life the way EVERYONE else says I need to live is GONE i.e. total freedom.
9) I have learned responsibility
10) Oh...and my GF is totally HOT...LOL...
On a serious note, my M was not one of the ones that was saved. When I look back at it, I'm actually amazed that I was married for as long as I was. Honestly, my XW was one of the reasons it did last as long as it did. When you consider that nieither of us, knew who we were, niether had the right tools..
I am success because I just am. I survived, I learned, I lived...
Quick story...one that makes me cry everytime I think about it...
So about a month ago, I'm talking to my oldest son, who out of the blue looks at me and says...
"Dad...you know, I learned true forgivness from you and I have learned to be a better person"
My response..."thank you papi, but I and your mom deserve the credit".
His response...."Yeah maybe you are right dad...but YOU LIVE it - mom doesn't...she just does'nt know how to".
Sunny, the above convo will mean more to you...if you read my story... I almost gave up on my son. I thank god I didn't.
Be the best dad you can be Sunny. It will be one of the biggest joys you will ever have.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, I can't believe how much your children have grown up. Where has the time gone? I'm very happy to read that they are all doing well and that you have met someone that you feel comfortable w/sharing w/your children.
Keep posting those insightful postings. They help all of us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
ROFL!!!! Yes, every man I have dated since my divorce has been HOT! Current boyfriend is 6'3", broad-shouldered, buff, 8 years younger, and recently got mistaken for a famous star by some tourists. Better yet, he thinks I'M hot and tells me so all the time
– LOL
