"Dear stbx, You're right. Why should you pay child support unless I agree to do what you want? Next time you want to threaten me, send it to my lawyer."
Needed to get that off my chest.
Wonder if my taking the kids to see the new Bond movie after school tonight (discount movie night) had anything to do with his change of heart. He had to drop them off at the cinema and wait while we put their school bags in my car.
We always went to Bond movies together as a family - even to see the old ones on the big screen at special screenings. It must have made him feel sad. None of us even enquired whether he'd like to come see it with us tonight. The kids have asked him to join us every other time I've taken them to see a movie since BD.
I enjoyed the Bond movie too, but could have done with something a little less dark... also, Daniel Craig looks like my stbx (who is less ripped and less craggy in the face, but vaguely similar). So had a hard time with that, especially watching the occasional scenes of passion with random women. Movies about damaged men are not my cup of tea at the moment.
stbx continues to spew via email.
I replied to one as follows:
"This matter boils down to the fact that I can't attend a mediation session at the few times [mediator] has available between now and Xmas.
As a result, as I understand it, you have said a) that you may be forced to reduce your financial support for the children, and b) that you may use this as a trigger to go to court. "
Just wanted to get his threats down clearly for the record.
He is also fully fantasising. In one email he said, in reply to my saying that we needed (and appreciated) the financial support he had started paying since Nov:
"Also - I have not "started recently" to support the children. My support has been ongoing and consistent."
WTF???? How can they be so truly delusional? He has paid a total of about $2,000, all up, in the last 15 months. I suppose if you look at it like $30 a week, you could claim 'ongoing and consistent' support for 2 teenage children!!
And I suppose, as Snodderly keeps pointing out, this time of year really puts them into extreme panic/depressed/anxiety mode.
I think I am nearly done. It's almost impossible to feel compassion for someone who behaves like this. He's good at pulling me in, but he's also very good at slapping me down. And i don't want that any more.
He can only slap you down if you let him. That means underneath you still expect him to act "like himself". That you expect him to treat you well. He probably won't. He probably won't reciprocate anything. Remember, no expectations (then you can be pleasantly surprised on those rare occasions when he does do something nice lol).
He is delusional. And selfih. It's par for the course. He may come out of it at some point, he may not.
That's why the focus has to be on taking care of you and the kids. Learning from your mistakes, and moving forward. Remember, if he wants to catch up, he can try, but he's gonna have to work hard at it and that'll be much later.
You can't count of him for anything right now. Just stay as dark as you can, you are going to have to deal with him regardless because of the kids.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle, Yes, Yes and yes again. Thanks so much for putting this down.
I am going to survive this, i know that now.
He can try, but he will not slap me down any more. I feel different about it all, FINALLY.
I still occasionally expect him to act like himself - had to resist the temptation to include a "How can you do this to your kids? / Who ARE you?" line in the email response.
No expectations is indeed the key to not responding emotionally to what he does.
I am going as dark as I can - it should be much easier now that the kids are almost on holidays from school and so will not be dropped off at home each day by him.
Shouldn't need to see him till next Feb! And even then... no real need for him to start up the school routine any more.
One thing about seeing the Bond movie - gave me some ideas about how to survive the theatrics of a deranged man who has you in his sights as responsible for all the bad that's happened in his life.
I will be JB, battered but steely at my core; ready to endure whatever is thrown at me, and full of self-belief / discipline (I love the movies!).
as Snodderly keeps pointing out, this time of year really puts them into extreme panic/depressed/anxiety mode
It is already beginning with my H as well. They know just how to ruin a good time.
I read a little of this thread and it sounds like your H does not hold back when it comes to attaching you, kids be dambed as long as he can get to you. It's almost as if he wants to insure you will come out of this a casualty.
Your such a good hearted person, even recognizing that he may have had a longing look on his face to join you at the movies, proves you still have a good hold on who you are.
One day his ugliness is going to come crashing down on him and thank goodness you won't be anywhere near that disaster. Stay strong, as your getting stronger everyday, your getting away from his hurt everyday!
best wishes, DM
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I've managed to get somewhere - finally. I think I may have handled an awful sitch with stbx along proper DB lines - after all this time!
Didn't react with my emotions, just listened and accepted what he had to say.
After nc with the kids from him over the weekend, he rang a few mins before school pick-up time to ask if he could collect the kids from school today.
I told him (again - he has significant memory problems) that S13 had finished school last week but that D16 would be finished at 3.30pm.
I got home from work as he was dropping her off. STBX stood on the verandah and asked to speak to me for a minute (he would not come in). Always makes my stomach churn. And sure enough, he started.
He seemed very angry. Said he had decided not to continue with mediation any more as it was 'a waste of time' and very expensive (at $15-$20 a session!). Later in the conversation, when he got more upset, he said it was because i could not find a time that suited me to go to the next session in available timeslots on offer before Xmas.
Said he would be taking me to court instead.
I said "OK".
Then he announced that he would be applying for 50% custody of the kids.
I said "OK".
(Background is that he has NEVER even mentioned wanting to have the kids at any point in this whole process over the last 16 months).
Then he started in on how he thought that i was a bad influence on the children and he brought up the recent event at D16's school that OW attended (where i told her what i thought of her behaviour). He said someone who did that in front of the children should not have custody of them. I slipped up a little here and pointed out that i only whispered my opinion in her ear and that no-one else had heard, but he started shouting that i was trying to justify appalling behaviour, so i quickly shut up, realising the futility of trying to resist him on this.
He then stalked off incredibly upset and jumped in his car. I went inside and 1 minute later his car reversed back down the street and he was back at the door. He said he wanted to speak to the kids so I asked him in. He said "No, they need to come outside to talk to me". D16 started to go out, but S14 called out to say he was busy looking after the dogs. I said "It's Ok, I'll look after them". But stbx shouted "Don't bother" to S14, and stomped off to his car.
I think it must be that Christmas is getting to him.
That, and the thought that his daily fix of 10 mins worth of seeing the kids when he picks them up from school is now over until they go back to school in Feb. That is, i think he's starting to miss them badly. He's seen them very little lately and we have been GAL whenever he does call. He hasn't been to any of the end-of-year school events or any of the kids' sport this term.
He is also increasingly financially pressured I think.
He seems to be at some sort of breaking point.
Seems to have really flipped if he thinks court is going to be cheaper than mediation.
And his reason for stopping mediation - that i can't fit into the few available appointment times before Xmas.
And concerning custody - he lives in an (at most) 2-bedroom apartment with OW.
So, 2 teenagers and him and OW in there, unless they buy a new house (with what contribution from him?) - and the kids have told him they want nothing to do with OW at all.
Anyway, for the first time in all of this I simply listened and accepted what he had to say. I don't feel particularly threatened, nor anxious. Just 'que sera' more than anything - bring it on, if that's what you want.
I must be detaching for real.
I cannot imagine what sort of hellish confusion he's going through. He is really flailing.
WEell... I don't know where you live but in my state they have to provide opposite sex teenagers with their own rooms.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
