Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
This is so strange. Little history. H dropped bom 4/12 and moved out 6/5/12. I knew about OW but he didn't admit to it until 2weeks ago. Mind you, we'd been intimate a number of times and that day afterwards we got into argument. I found OW phone number by accident and called and screamed and told her everything we've done. She kind of chuckled. Actually most of the onversation later was in text form. Anyway he got very nasty I guess because I told her we slept together. She told him to go home but he didn't. They made up and knowing how fragile I am she has been supportive of my feelings cause he isn't. She offered to help me out financially, and she very well can do it. And it's funny cause he thinks I'm rolling in dough. It's so strange I know. If she wasn't sleeping with my husband I would like her.

So they went across the country for the weekend, as per what he told our son. I'm so sad here. I want him to want to come home. Anyway I made an appointment to speak with a DB Coach on Tuesday but I'm hurting morning, noon, and night. It's almost 6 months. Even the kids say move on. They don't understand. So I try to make the best of it but I'm crushed. What kind of words of wisdom can you share with me? I'm a mess every day.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Snookee
Mind you, we'd been intimate a number of times and that day afterwards we got into argument.


This is classic cake-eating. You've got to stop the sex with him, as long as he's involved with the OW and you he has no reason to change anything. You've got to detach and cut him off and work on yourself.

And don't talk to OW anymore. Nothing good can come of that.

Quote:
I'm so sad here. I want him to want to come home. Anyway I made an appointment to speak with a DB Coach on Tuesday but I'm hurting morning, noon, and night. It's almost 6 months.


I'm sorry you're feeling that way, it's a bad place to be for sure. This is why you need to detach and GAL. You're basing your recovery on H returning and you're in a state of constant emotional turmoil because you don't know if he'll ever return. You need to focus on yourself. Find things to do that make you happier. Reach out to old friends. Pick up some hobbies. Get some new clothes. Work on fitness/ health. Change your hair & makeup. Make happiness about YOU and not your H. Become the person that attracted H in the first place. H will not be attracted to an emotional wreck of a W that calls to rage at OW. Don't go there again. It's going to take a while for you to get the PMA going, that's OK, just stick with it. The more you work on GAL the more fun you'll have with it and the more you'll want to do it.

Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
Try to stick to one thread, this is your third one in Newcomers.

It is confusing to follow your story with so many threads.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...229#Post2280229

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...313#Post2281313


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Oh I didn't really know anyone was fallowing my story. Sorry.

I do have to work on self esteem. But there are days with much more positivity in it and then there are days still like today where I've been weepy all day, even at my desk at work. I know I have to let go; its easier said than done. I think about upcoming holidays and not spending with my whole family which is small but I thought was loving.

I cannot wait until Tuesday when I speak with a DB coach. I need a good plan of action and someone who's on my side.

Why is it that so many people including my adult kids believe its time to drop and move on. Does that leave me anywhere in his thoughts?


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
People tell you to move on because they think it is good advice, they think it is what they would do.

Truth is, they don't know what they would do until they are living it.

People think moving on, means a quick heal, like pulling the band aid off quickly...

And you know what? That works for BAND-AIDS.
But this is a relationship.
A 17 year old marriage.

Tell people to support you and your choice and if they cannot then tell them to stop giving you advice.

People are here to help you, people you know in real life? They aren't here, they aren't familair and they don't want you to hurt, they don't want to see you hurt, so they end up giving you advice they think will help you.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 328
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 328
Sorry you are here. First piece of advice I will give you is to go get ans STD test. Do not mess around with your health.


M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 39
To add to what Jack said, also be aware that both the BS and WAS are getting "advice" and support from a multitude of sources.

the common thread for all the sources (except here) is that as friends/family, they are doing whatever they can to expedite your relief from pain.

They simply want the person they hold you to be to come back.

Their motivation is "the quick way" rather than the "right way"


Control is impossible
Detach from the emotion of this
Be your natural self
Earn back your self-respect
Assign responsibility equally
Realize this process will improve you
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
I'm sorry AK but what is the BS? I know WAS.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
Originally Posted By: Snookee
I'm sorry AK but what is the BS? I know WAS.


BS = LBS = Left Behind Spouse or Behind Spouse


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
Made a mistake BS = Betrayed Spouse, same difference, and same person.


Me-68, D36,S35
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard