Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
J
Moderator
OP Offline
Moderator
J
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 11,646
Not the private stuff; seven years ago I knew something was wrong, was too stupid to see my part in it, was too blind on purpose to see what was happening or about too.

That was seven years ago.

This was yesterday in an email. When I said I was proud of us fighting for each each other.

Quote:

“Fought” seems so negative in my head.. not something I would feel proud of.. like there would have to be a loser somewhere. Couldn’t really figure out why that word has felt wrong to me until now.

I like to think we “rebuilt us”.. together.. to be stronger.. better foundation for us both to build more and more of “us” on. smile That I am definitely proud and grateful for. And when we go to dinner or the b&b or do things together we’re looking over the foundation together and caringly making sure it’s in good shape.. maybe adding on.


I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
Not the private stuff; seven years ago I knew something was wrong, was too stupid to see my part in it, was too blind on purpose to see what was happening or about too.

That was seven years ago.

This was yesterday in an email. When I said I was proud of us fighting for each each other.

Quote:


That is truly inspiring Jack. I hope that I get a similar email from my W seven years from now.

Thank you for sharing.

Denver
“Fought” seems so negative in my head.. not something I would feel proud of.. like there would have to be a loser somewhere. Couldn’t really figure out why that word has felt wrong to me until now.

I like to think we “rebuilt us”.. together.. to be stronger.. better foundation for us both to build more and more of “us” on. smile That I am definitely proud and grateful for. And when we go to dinner or the b&b or do things together we’re looking over the foundation together and caringly making sure it’s in good shape.. maybe adding on.


I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,031
That is truly inspiring Jack. I hope that I get a similar email from my W seven years from now.

Thank you for sharing.

Denver


M 43
X 38
T 13
W moves out of home 11/2010
Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012
I request divorce 5/2012
W moves home 6/2012
Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015
I leave 3/2016
process of divorce
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
that is inspiring j3b. thank you for sharing. i guess we can never say we have finished growing and learning.

((( )))


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 330
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 330
Thanks for sharing this.

We have been in piecing for almost a year now, and I think we will always be in piecing mode. Sometimes I see my H doing more for our marriage than what I do, so I need to remind myself to put in energy as well. This will be an on-going process, and rebuilding trust is still challenging.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
Glad you shared it, j3b.
Goldey


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 685
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 685
Originally Posted By: Jack_Three_Beans
I will ALWAYS be piecing.

How about you?

Yes Jack, I will always be piecing to. Until I take my last breath.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 582
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 582
Okay I have to ask, this just sounds exhausting. This is for all of you, piecing.
Are your relationships still as happy as before BD?
Have you regained trust for your spouses? Do you ever think it would just be easier, to start again, with someone new?


M: 29, H: 31
D: 9
S: 8
T: 13 Y
M: 9 Y
ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012
~~~~
Worrying does not empty tomorrow
of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 685
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 685
Originally Posted By: Soul.Searching
Okay I have to ask, this just sounds exhausting. This is for all of you, piecing.

It is exhausting in the beginning and takes everything you've got.

Originally Posted By: Soul.Searching
Are your relationships still as happy as before BD?

Well, if our relationships were happy before then they wouldn't have disintegrated.

There are probably better questions than this one.

When you "piece" you're not trying to restore what you had before. It's impossible because what you had before was destroyed. Piecing is beginning again, on a new foundation.

The idea is to build a marriage which is even closer, happier and more loving than it ever was before.

Originally Posted By: Soul.Searching
Have you regained trust for your spouses?

Yes and no. Trust is something that is freely given in the beginning but once it's broken it can only ever be earned back. I am less trusting of anyone now including both my wife and myself. We will all cheat, lie and do despicable things under the right conditions. The key to keeping your marital house clean is to avoid the situations that would trigger such behaviour in the first place. I do trust my wife. The urge to constantly watch her, check up on her and second guess her every word has disappeared and there's a very good reason for that. She has, over the past several years, shown her self to be trustworthy again.

Originally Posted By: Soul.Searching
Do you ever think it would just be easier, to start again, with someone new?

Yes. I thought this for several years. But I couldn't let my wife go - it did not feel intuitively right. It will be hard whichever path you take.

And if and when you marry again, you will have problems in your new marriage to overcome. It is often (not always) better for both of you in marriage to learn how to get through your own difficulties together. The more you do it, the better you get at it together.

Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first ones and it's no accident. The two of you would likely have a whole lot more baggage and "issues" that you'd be bringing into the equation.

Hang in there Soul.Searching. The best wisdom you're going to get here is from other ladies who've been through what you're experiencing and who have come out the other side.


Me: 46
W: 46
T: 23
M: 20
DS12
DD11
DS5

W left: 01/28/08
Discovered OM: 02/26/08
W back for 9 days: 04/08
W returned 05/21/08
EA/PA - 01/08-07/09
W's MLC 2008-2014 (realised this much later)
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 482
Hi,

Just checking in after several months of being away. Still piecing and still loving and still making it!

In our circle of friends we have 3 couples who we never thought would break up. All seemed like soulmates. Of all the difficulties combined, we have over-come the worst of the worst and yet we stand and they are over.

I think the whole philosophy of DB really helped. Even our therapist said she was glad I convince her to hang in there with me/us. She would have taken us apart and sold off our parts.

Yesterday as H was leaving we both acknowledged that we have something deep and pretty special.

Goodnight! Love you all! Hang in there.

MZ


M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29
S 22,21, 19
Bomb 4/10
It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013
We all have work to do


The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard