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#2281605 09/18/12 02:40 PM
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Hurt84 Offline OP
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It's been a little while since I posted on the forum. For those that don't remember the basic gist of my story is that my wife had an affair with a client of hers that started back in January or February. I found out about it, confronted her, did all the wrong things with the pleading, begging, and so on. By the end of April I suggested a "trial separation" and she moved into her own apartment at the beginning of May. In the time since, I tried not to pursue her or anything but just tried to focus on having a good time in the times we spent together. That worked to varying degrees at first but after a few months I was better about letting go of any expectations and simply tried to focus on living my life.

Well, over the last couple of weeks there's been a big turn in everything. About a week and a half ago she made it clear that she wanted to come home. It's to the point now where she's all but moved back in and planning on breaking her lease this weekend. She's actually in the middle of leaving her job, where she met OM and looking for other work. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible through that but also tempering everything I do, believe or see. Things are going very well between us with one exception - we haven't talked about anything that happened over the last 6-7 months.

Part of my is happy that things seem to be going in the right direction for us and is just focused on turning a bad situation into a good one. Another part of me wants to get some sort of assurance that we aren't setting ourselves up to be here again someday. I mean, I haven't really gotten a full story about what happened with work that she's leaving. Only that she had a huge falling out with a couple of her co-workers and she's currently off, using her accrued vacation time.

There are moments when I feel like there's no point in rehashing all the bad points, thinking some things are better left unsaid. At the same time, one of our main issues with everything was the fact that she was never fully honest or upfront with me about anything related to our separation.

Honestly, I don't need all the answers. I just don't want to set ourselves up for failure and make more of a fool of myself then I did initially by being committed to making it work.


M: 29
W: 29
T: 12 years
M: 4 years
Discovered OM: 02/10/12
ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12
W Moves Out: 05/04/12
Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12
In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Congratulations, that's fantastic news!!! It's completely understandable that you're having trust issues, and you are well within your rights to expect to be able to discuss the events of the last half year. I would make it clear to your W that in order to reconcile you're going to need to have some deep, meaningful discussions on that. See if you can locate a good action-oriented counselor to help with it. Your W shouldn't have any expectations that she can just jump back into your life like nothing ever happened. Now is the time to set some boundaries. Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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When's your marriage counseling session?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Hurt84 Offline OP
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We haven't scheduled one yet. It was something I suggested before we separated but she refused to even consider going. I haven't broached the topic since. Not sure if she would commit to going. At the same time, I guess I won't know if I don't ask.


M: 29
W: 29
T: 12 years
M: 4 years
Discovered OM: 02/10/12
ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12
W Moves Out: 05/04/12
Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12
In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,144
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I'm not familiar with your sitch, but why is she moving back in if you've still got a lot of questions? Have you addressed the issues that led to the A?


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Hurt84,

I think it's great that she wants to move back in...BUT what about you? I was following your sitch for a long time and as I remember she was giving you the equivalent of the "emotional stiff-arm" for a long time. What changed in her words?

You've figured out how to make it on your own, a couple more months isn't going to hurt to make sure this is right for YOU, right?

If she had a "falling out" at work that was bad enough that they asked her to leave (which is what it sounds like), then chances are she still has some issues going on with her personality that she's not facing. I would want to be darn sure I wasn't her "any port in a storm" solution to a current crisis. I would want to make sure she is *committed* to meeting your needs, helping you heal, and taking your marriage to something better than you had before.

At a minimum she would need to agree to MC, and I would probably do 2-3 sessions before you agree to let her move back home.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,757
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Lay down what is acceptable and unacceptable.

And enforce it the first time she breaks it.

As you are letting her back in a little to easy.

set up what you want and are willing to work towards.

If there is no remorse or learning from her... then she will have figured out that when you step out of line (in her view of how you should behave )she can go sleep with another guy... you correct and she has a soft pad to land in.

Healthy Boundaries. They are your friend.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Accuray provides great advice above. If you want her back, make sure you set out clear boundaries and list what YOU need from her in order to move forward and before she moves back in. MC(with the right counselor) may be good for you. Consider using the DB coaches or other pro-marriage MC counselors out there - not all of them are.

"Surviving an Affair" by William Harley saved my sanity when my H was having his affair and then later when we started piecing our marriage back together. It offers a plan for getting through the pain, minimizing resentment, and moving forward in a positive direction. You can read it on your own, or read it together, if she's willing.


M:12yr
06/11:IDLYA
07/11:Moves out
08/11:PA disc(began in May)
09/11:Moves w OW
10/11:Breaks up w OW;gets apt
11&12/11: Touchngo w me
1/12: Comes home-PA resumes
2/12: PA disc; PA ends
Today: Piecing
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Posts: 2,757
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And if you do get MC. Find one that works with affairs and understands its wrong.

The second they say they agree with finding your way ... etc....

Leave.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Hurt,

Chatterbug and Someday make excellent points -- in my experience most MC's suck -- there is no criteria for measuring a good one from a bad one and even the counselors are not usually aware of their success rate because people don't pay them after the fact to give them updates.

Here's the best plan I have come up with for engaging one:

-- Get a recommendation if you can
-- Find one who is "solution based"
-- Call them, tell them you will e-mail a summary of your situation and want to understand what their strategy will be before engaging.
-- E-mail the summary
-- Call and discuss their feelings on your sitch and the approach they would take.
-- Speak to at least 3
-- Go to the first appointment by yourself and explain what YOU want to accomplish and what you want to avoid. Be open to letting them influence your thinking but don't get steamrolled.

Definitely don't cut corners, it's high stakes. During the session, be very careful about what you reveal and what you keep to yourself.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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