My Story Part 4: New Beginnings

[timbits]

had a good night's sleep last night. looking forward to the weekend! i was feeling energized enough to attempt to clean the bathroom. then i remembered, i don't have a toilet brush! hahaha. that's on the list of purchases for the weekend, as well as a plunger. i don't want to wait to need a plunger before i buy one!

i checked my finances and i'm in really good shape. i was worried about buying the condo on my own, but everything is much easier than i thought it would be. i thought it would be much more expensive. my heat and light for the month is also only $52. i thought it would be higher. and i certainly haven't been paranoid about turning the lights off all the time, so i know i can get that number lower. i don't have much heat on. actually, i don't have any heat on because i'm in the between two other houses and i find it gets really hot. i'm actually a cold room person, anyway, and i like to cook things that also heat up the house when it gets cold. should help keep the costs down.

i'm looking forward to relaxing tonight with bea, doing a little housework and laundry and then shopping tomorrow. i'm going to lunch with my dad in about an hour. there's a new gourmet burger shop that we're going to try. should be fun!

[timbits]

i had a good evening last night. relaxed and got a head start on the house cleaning. i'm nearly done, in fact, so i'll be ready for thanksgiving tomorrow.

for some reason this morning, i can't help but think of the last night with h. i finally got him to come up into bed with me and even though we had just had a huge fight, i just wanted to touch him. i think i knew that i would be leaving the next morning, even though i didn't really decide until the next morning when i was sitting in my car about to go to work.

what really struck me was how cold he was. i was lying there, trying to drift off to sleep. i was next to him, touching him. i was sniffing a little bit as i had just finished crying, and i was just lying there, trying to hold onto some vestige of tenderness and affection that i knew wasn't there. after about 5 minutes, when i was nearly asleep, he said, "don't touch me. move over, stop crying and don't touch me". it was very cold. it made me realize that we would never be the same.

i guess what bothers me is that those were the last words my husband ever said to me. we haven't spoken whatsoever. any communication has been through email. i don't even have his new number, and he doesn't have mine.

we would have had our third wedding anniversary this week on the 10th. it's just sad that after two years, plus the entire time we were together, we were very happy. i loved him and i know that he loved me. after all that time and love, the last words he could muster up to say to me were so cold. i can't really get that out of my head right now.

i don't think he remembers. he has a terrible memory. i know he harbours no ill-will toward me, and neither do i toward him, but it just hurts. the next morning he did not say one word to me. he just got up, got dressed and left. we were in the living room together and he just pretended i wasn't there. i went outside, and that's when i knew it was over. i just knew that the man i married was gone, and he probably wasn't coming back. never say never, but i doubt it. anyway, i also knew at that moment that as much as i tried, i couldn't fix the m if he didn't want it. and i knew that i deserved better than that. i picked up my cell phone, told my mother i was leaving him and that he had cheated on me. she was heartbroken, and i was very careful up until that moment to keep the a to myself, but i knew that if i hadn't done that, i would have went back. it was like insurance to keep me away. there was no way my family would allow me to go back to him after they knew what happened. that's why i didn't tell them to begin with. you can't un-ring a bell, and once it's out there, everyone will know.

i guess i just had to know for sure it wasn't going to work to get the courage to ring that bell.

don't know why i'm thinking about this at the moment. i just had to journal it and get it out of my head.

[timbits]

had a great weekend. found out something that kind of bothered me, but i didn't let it get to me. the new ow that h swore was only platonic has now suddenly de-friended me on facebook. we were mutual friends, so not sure what has changed, other than i am right and she is now his girlfriend. my good friend seemed very uncomfortable when i told him i think that h is dating someone else. i just have that feeling.

at first it kind of hurt me. then i let it go. you know what? she can have him. she can have the new and improved h, version 2.0. i feel like telling her that she shouldn't think she's special, because he's done this before, but i won't. i also won't tell her that if he'll do it with her, he'll do it to her. she'll have to figure that out for herself. i just let it go. it honestly doesn't bother me any more. i kind of find it funny, actually. i found her kind of annoying anyway, so i don't have to look at her wall posts any more. bonus.

i had a great weekend shopping. i got some awesome new outfits that make me feel sexy and confident, which i was certainly lacking previously. i am wearing a new dress with really cute burgundy tights and have gotten a few compliments on it already. makes me feel good.

i also cooked thanksgiving dinner for my parents. it was very tasty. i then made a huge pot of turkey soup with the turkey carcass, which they also loved. i think mom liked the soup better than the full dinner. hahaha. i gave them a bunch because i'll never eat all of the leftovers. i posted a picture of the turkey on my facebook wall, and when i got to work one of the girls said that she was drooling when she saw it. it was my first turkey and jigg's dinner (this is traditional sunday dinner in my province) on my own. i did the whole thing, and it turned out very very well. i did go to culinary school, so i do know how to cook, but this is the first time i was flying solo for a big holiday meal. i think i'll keep up that tradition of cooking thanksgiving dinner. dad can have christmas, which he loves. i'm going to be working a 1/2 day on christmas eve this year, which is fine by me as we usually get 5 days off over christmas and now i can use them in january when i vist my parents in florida. they are renting a condo for 3 months, and for christmas are flying myself and bea down. my sister is also going with her friend who was the other bridesmaid at her wedding, so we'll have a girl's trip.

found an even better deal on a vegas trip even if we stay in caesar's palace, which i've always wanted to do, lol. love cheese. will have to discuss with my friend. another friend and i are going to hang out on friday, maybe go to a movie. i'm also going to a movie with mom tomorrow night. i love movies. and i have some free passes, so it's cheap, too!

still gal-ing. bellydance is tonight, which is so much fun.

[greatwhitenorth]

Timbits you have an awesome future ahead of you. Your attitude is fantastic and I can say with certainty it's his loss. Good on ya for doing up your first turkey and jiggs dinner! I love hosting a crowd for a meal too. Didn't go to cooking school but worked as a baker in town two decades ago and can work my way around a kitchen pretty good.

[timbits]

aw, thanks! that makes me feel better. today is a bit of a tough day. it would have been our 3 year wedding anniversary today. i felt like staying in bed with little bea (who decides to sleep directly in the middle of the bed and has the mass of a dying star when i try to move her...), but i got up and went to work. i have a bunch of meetings today, so it shouldn't be too bad.

i was planning on completely pretending that it wasn't our anniversary today, but when i went on facebook to check in with a friend (we tend to message each other a lot and she's coming for dinner on saturday night), i saw sil posted that h's book was launched today. i'm still friends with sil, she doesn't usually post much. it just hit me when i read that. the first ow was his writing buddy when he was editing this book. it was like getting a bucket of water to the face. ugh.

i'm going to have a good day, though. i actually packed my lunch today. i've been buying it at the cafeteria at work, which has really good food. i've been watching a lot of financial shows on tv, and while i'm not putting myself into debt buying lunch, it is a colossal waste of money. i brought in some soup that i made. it should be pretty tasty. tonight i'm also having left overs from thanksgiving (fried hash. yum!), and i'll just relax with bea and watch a movie. i bought the new version of the girl with the dragon tattoo through my xbox, which i've seen before, but really enjoyed. h hated it when i'd re-watch movies. i'm going to enjoy my evening.

[timbits]

i had a decent day yesterday. it was difficult at points, but it was ok. i went home, cooked dinner and watched the movie. it was nice. one thing that was a little annoying was my mom kept calling me to see how i was, and then my sister called. i let my sister's call go to voicemail, as i kept having to pause the movie. poor mom. her heart's in the right place, but i just wanted to be alone with little bea. it was nice. i turned on my fireplace, turned on the movie and snuggled on the couch with the doggie. so happy tomorrow is friday, all the same.

i'm having people over twice this weekend. one friend is coming over tomorrow night after work, and then saturday another friend is coming over. i'm cooking dinner, she is making dessert. should be fun. she isn't as picky an eater as some other friends, so it's easier to cook for her. i have friends who won't eat onions, beef, pork, vegetables, cheese, pasta. augh. can't have them over all the same time. the only thing this friend doesn't like is raw onion and mayo. not a problem! i think i might make a pasta dish and a big green salad. or risotto. not too sure at the moment.

i'm also starting my book club this month. should be a lot of fun.

[timbits]

having a friend over tonight for pizza and a few drinks. i'm also having my friend over tomorrow for dinner. i decided on thai curry shrimp, which is an everyday meal for me, but she loves thai curry, so i figured why not? she's going to make a chocolate torte, which i can't wait to try! love chocolate!

my home is really coming together. i really enjoy decorating and it feels more and more like my own. i had a painting in i bought on my vacation stretched on a canvas, and it's going to be hung in my dining room. it's beautiful and i'll remember that trip every time i look at it. i also ordered some vintage reproductions of travel posters of europe. i love the design, and i'll have them framed for my bedroom. i have 5 coming, and 2 other litographs ordered for the home. i love the artwork that i picked. it feels very personal. i didn't walk into a design store and buy pieces that looked nice in the room. i actually found things that i thought were pretty and spoke to me, and that makes me condo feel like my home.

[timbits]

augh. just when i ithink i'm doing fine, things are going well, not a peep from h, he sends me a nasty email.

bit of backstory: my parents gave the both of us a gym membership for christmas last year. dad said he'd pay for it as long as we attended. h and i never really went much, and haven't at all for the last six months. when i left h, dad said that he was giving us both notice that he was going to stop the payments. i let h know that dad wasn't going to pay for it anymore, and he had to make arrangements on his own to either cancel the membership or make alternate payment arrangements. i sent him the email on august 14, and he responded on the 15 that he'd cancel.

fast forward to today, he sent me a nasty email saying, basically, "thanks for switching the gym membership into my name without telling me. it was nice to have a bill for a few hundred dollars with no warning. it was supposed to be a christmas gift, can i bill your parents for all of the bullsh!t hours i did helping them?"

the entitlement. what an @ss. first of all, the membership was ALWAYS in his name. this is why he had to cancel the membership on his own. we both went to the gym and signed a contract, dad just agreed to pay. and I TOLD HIM ABOUT IT OVER TWO MONTHS AGO!

augh. i just wrote him back, told him that he got the email on august 14, responded in the affirmative on the 15th that he would cancel the membership. i also reminded him that the tv he is watching was also a christmas gift from his parents, and i don't have that, i left it as well as the $1100 home theatre system that my parents bought. i also told him that i wouldn't be getting petty over finances if i were him, seeing as he charged my credit card for itunes and also stuck me with an overdraft fee because he didn't switch his student loans to his own account. i also told him my parents' wouldn't have given him that gift if they knew that at the same time he was planning on leaving me for a married woman with three children.

i then ended the email with my lawyers' info and that if he wanted to discuss anything like that in the future, to pay for his own lawyer (or get his parents' to pay) and not to contact me again.

just the entitlement got to me. i know that i got a little nasty back. especially when i said that obviously he hasn't matured any in the last two months, it wasn't my responsibility to remind him to take care of his own finances, and not to come to me looking for another dime. i've paid enough. i probably shouldn't have stooped to that level, but it p!ssed me off! royally! what did he honestly expect me to do? run over with a cheque? grow up! pay your own bills!

he had perfect timing. he sent that email 15 minutes before my friend came over for dinner. i ended up spilling the whole story of my leaving, his affairs and this email. she actually teared up with me when i told her how much i missed my old h, but this person was someone completely different. she couldn't believe it when i told her what he said to me. she knows h, too, and she said he is acting like a completely different person.

oh. and she did confirm that h is actually openly with the 2nd ow. what a shock. she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings, and that our group of friends are very uncomfortable with this and feel awkward around them. i told her i don't expect anyone to choose between us. i said that i don't wish either of them harm, but i think it's pretty sad that someone who was supposedly my friend would do that when she knew that h and i are still married. it's pretty low. but she can have him. at least i know who my friends are.

i felt much better after talking to my friend. i told her how alone i was, and that no one knew and that i didn't ever want to bash h, but i was just so hurt. she said that she understood, and that i've been more than reasonable over this entire situation and that she didn't mind me talking about it. it made me feel much, much better to get it out.

h hasn't responded to my email. i don't really care. in fact, i hope he doesn't respond. i don't want to speak to him again. he's such a liar. everything he tells me is a lie. and now he's trying to gaslight, acting like me telling him about the gym membership never happened. well, i have the emails. i save everything. if he sends me another nasty email, i'll get my lawyer to draft something up about future contact. can't really deal with his garbage at the moment.

i felt like also wishing him a belated happy anniversary. i almost feel like an idiot because i was starting to feel more at peace, and almost amazed that the separation is going fairly smoothly. and now he has to get nasty about it all. i'm not his emotional punching bag any more. he doesn't get to spew his negativity and anger at me. direct that to ow. or to someone else who cares. because my give-a-d@mn is broken.

[timbits]

managed to have a nice relaxing day today. h didn't respond to the email i sent back. doesn't really surprise me at all. he's probably too busy with the ow. i'm trying hard not to be bitter, but he is making it difficult at times. i just need to let it go. just let it all go.

my friend last night said to me, "you know that this has nothing to do with you, right? that you tried and it isn't your fault?" it almost made me teary eyed. i do own the responsibility of not being the best wife, but i tried really hard to make my marriage work. i'm not a failure. i did everything i could to try to fix things, but i can't make someone love me, especially if i don't love myself.

i'm just having a little wobble at the moment, but i know i'll be ok. i'll right myself and be back on the right path in no time. but for now, i'm fine to wobble.

[timbits]

i have a headache today. and i'm in a rotten mood. i contacted my lawyer about h's contact, and she said she'll draft something. i told her that although i'll pay more in legal fees, i don't want to deal with him and i would rather pay $1000 than one more penny to him. the bottom line is that i'm not here to bail him out, and i intend to start this separation as i intend to go on. he can't look to me to bail him out and fix his financial messes any more. ow can do that for him now. i'm done.

it may look like i'm cutting off my nose to spite my face, but it just hit a raw nerve with me. doesn't help that i'm suffering from a little pms at the moment (tmi, i know).

again today, i wished i could have stayed under the duvet with bea and not gotten up. ugh. again, probably the pms contributing to this. i've had a headache since yesterday. it will get better, though. it always does. i just need to wait it out.