Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
I wrote my story recently and in a nutshell; H told me he wasn't in love with me 4/21/12. On 5/25/12 I saw him leave hotel with one of the bosses holding hands and kissing. On 6/5/12 he moved out to the next state and close to OW. He denies it all. We met a few times since and had sex but it was mostly cause I initiated it. He pays the bills still but blames me for the break-up. He won't go to a therapist. We've been together 20 years, each having one child prior and then us having one (19 now). We have 2 beautiful grandkids too. I just cannot get past this hurt. I don't want to divorce as I went through this once before. I know Michelle is all for not divorcing if you don't want to. I want to call a DB Coach but can't quite yet; maybe I'll take a loan:) So why, why can't I go one day without this pain and crying about this? I count the weeks (21 so far) and I go out with friends now but I still am so hurt by everything that it consumes me. I was calling and begging for a long time but I've stopped that now. Now what? The kids don't want to see me sad all the time either.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Update: H FINALLY admitted to me today that he is seeing her. I knew it all this time but still had some doubts. Anyway I probably did the wrong thing by emailing her and telling her she is a whore, her young kids are suffering, she's a liar, etc. I had to get it off my chest cause she told me in May that I had it all wrong and it wasn't true. So I probably should have kept my mouth shut. Anyway..... What to do now? Continue the 180 I think. I'm still missing him a lot. This is the hardest. He also just happened to mention today via text that he took care of "family business" today, but would not elaborate. He then saiid it wasn't a divorce but I'm still worried. I hate this.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
Welcome to the board.

Have you read the DR book yet?

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stick to this thread until 100 posts for your story.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
Use it wisely.

Knowledge is Power.


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Cadet, I'm trying so hard to GAL. I work full-time and go to the gym and out with girlfriends; I try to keep busy. But when those weekends come along if i dont have plans or even most evenings I just fall apart thinking "what is he doing" or "we would be doing such and such". I read the books, see a life coach weekly and things did get easier but I still fall back into that deep, dark place of hopelessness. And I'm not by nature a down kind of person.

I guess I need time......still.


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
First, I'm very sorry to hear you've suffered for so long. No one deserves this, but most of us can relate to your misery. It will be hard for you to believe this right now, but it DOES get better. You WILL be your old self again. Quit dwelling on H and work on yourself, that's the key.

Originally Posted By: Snookee
So why, why can't I go one day without this pain and crying about this? I count the weeks (21 so far) and I go out with friends now but I still am so hurt by everything that it consumes me. I was calling and begging for a long time but I've stopped that now. Now what? The kids don't want to see me sad all the time either.


If you're still in this state after 5 months then I'd say there's a very good chance you are clinically depressed. I hate recommending med's to anyone, but in your case it may be warranted. I went through severe depression and anxiety after BD and got on med's and they have helped immensely. I went from being a totally unfunctional disaster to being my old self in just a few weeks. I hope to get off the med's once my sitch stabilizes, but for now I'm sticking with them. You should definitely discuss this with you PCP and see what they recommend.

You have absolutely got to stop the begging/ pleading, that is just driving H away. It's pressure, and he doesn't want pressure. Read DB and/ or DR and make a list of 180's. Work on yourself. Your H may be in MLC, so you can only give him space and time for him to resolve his issues.

Good luck!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,463
Likes: 43
Originally Posted By: Snookee
Cadet, I'm trying so hard to GAL. I work full-time and go to the gym and out with girlfriends; I try to keep busy. But when those weekends come along if i dont have plans or even most evenings I just fall apart thinking "what is he doing" or "we would be doing such and such". I read the books, see a life coach weekly and things did get easier but I still fall back into that deep, dark place of hopelessness. And I'm not by nature a down kind of person.

I guess I need time......still.

I can only tell you that how you feel is perfectly normal.
Take each day as it comes and try to enjoy them.
Certainly soon here in the Hudson Valley the leaves will start to change and it will be a a spectacular fall.
Go enjoy and try to keep your mind off of this.

As Another Stander said above don't be afraid to take antidepressants or St Johns wort as it is no sin to need these to get yourself through each day.

I can tell you for me learning the whys and howcomes helped at first and let me understand the process and what was happening.

It does not solve the problems but enables you to function each day.

You are going through the stages of grief because your marriage DIED and you must mourn its loss, it is harder than if your spouse really passed away because they are still living and breathing.
However you must not run away from this grief but figure out how YOU will combat it.
That is the part that you can CONTROL.
YOU

Don your oxygen mask and take care of YOU first.
That is the most important thing to do.


Me-68, D36,S35
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
I can second (and third) what Cadet and Another Stander have said. All of these feelings you're having are completely normal and to be expected. My H left 2 years ago and I am still in the midst of it.
I am so much better today than I was in the beginning. I too thought my life was over, my children would never be happy, and constantly thought of my H. Weekends were definitely the hardest for me as well. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing. Friends are there for you to lean on. Keep making plans with them. Make plans early in the week so you have something to look forward to.
I know for me, going on antidepressants was probably one of the best things I could have done. No, life does not suddenly seem "perfect" because it's not but it definitely made my life seem brighter and helped pull me out of the pit I found myself in.

You will be OK. It sounds like you have many positives in your life with children and grandchildren. Truly now you can only work on yourself. Recognize and change the things in yourself that need to be changed. Own what part you played in your marriage and move on. Be the best YOU you can be. Will your husband come back? I don't know, mine hasn't. In the end though you will have found YOU and I bet YOU are pretty terrific.


M:45/H43
T:21/M19
D:18
S:11
Bomb:8/10- I'm just not "happy"
H Moves in with mom: 8/10
H Files: 3/11
Now lives with? OW/GF no clue
Nothing finalized...
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Thank you all for your input and suggestions. I do feel better, especially since now I do know the truth, but it still is tough knowing that even if we talk to each other he still isnt coming home to me and his family. In my analytical mind I'm thinking that his new sitch cannot last. She's got young kids and our kids are grown. Why would a 58 yr old want to start raising someone else's kids? So I'm thinking it's all about the sex and when that fizzles he will come to his senses. So I exercise and go out sometimes with friends and go to work. Am I doing better than last week? I think definitely yes, but then I get into that "funk" again and really miss him. I have been telling him though that I have a joyful heart and I'm not angry anymore. He seems to react positively to that but its not 100% that way.

Yes, this is probably harder than if he had died. Im off tomorrow and I'm busy. Will try to be busy over the weekend too. Send hugs; I'll send 'em right back atcha!


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
S
Snookee Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 53
Well figure, I've thought of anti-depressants too. Maybe I will talk to my PCP.

I just keep reading books and boards and I look at statements made about the probabilities of their return. I figure that this will fizzle; I don't see how it can survive. Wishful thinking? Maybe yes, but we have many years and they have little time and her two younger kids.

I also would like to know how people deal with holidays and families. Do people let their RA spouse come by and leave? Do they just not include them? My youngest is19 so he's not a little one. So many things to consider when you break up a family. Why is it so easy for them to walk away?


M-59
H-58
2 S, 1 D
2 Gr. Ch.
T 20 YRS
M 17 YRS
ILYBINILWY 4/21/12
Caught H and OW 5/25/12
H Left 6/5/12

"Do not regret growing older...It is a privilege denied to many."
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Snookee
Why would a 58 yr old want to start raising someone else's kids? So I'm thinking it's all about the sex and when that fizzles he will come to his senses.


Don't try to figure it out or apply logic to it, it'll just frustrate you and not result in any answers. He's probably in the "dopamine" phase still. When you start a new relationship there's a big release of dopamine into the system, it gives you those "puppy love" feelings and blocks you from seeing things logically. It can last anywhere from 3 to 6 months, and when the dopamine release stops then suddenly reality hits home like a brick and you realize that the new situation is no better and may even be worse. Most affairs end within 6 months, this is why.

Originally Posted By: Snookee
So I exercise and go out sometimes with friends and go to work.


Good! That's the right thing to do, GAL. At first you may have to force yourself, but the more you do it the more you'll enjoy it and want to do it just for fun.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard